A new bra day

I'm buying a big bra.

I want a big bra that's white with panels and thick straps and with a row of five hooks up the back. I don't care.

I want a bra that says "lock down." You buy a bra like this? You're talking containment device. Nothing's getting in or out of this baby without approval from management.

I remember when you used to buy bras in the basement of Halle's in the "Foundations" department where they had dubiously masculine women of a certain age who wore Sensible Shoes and would help you with "fittings." Those broads knew bras.

"You need support in the cup area," they'd say while hefting either of your boobs in their hands. And believe me, when you walked out of there, you had support in the cup area, baby.

I'm sick of trying to muscle these beauties into some tiny cocktail candy-ass jewelry bra that isn't even a bra. It's a string with some lace and I'm done dealing with anything like that.

Look at this silly bra with the beads. On the outside chance that I could fit one boob in there, I'd probably get all tangled with beads stuck in my armpit. I'd never get that bead-holder thingie around my neck the right way. I'd be getting all sweaty and frustrated, then my boob would pop out. It's dumb. The Sensible Shoe Foundation ladies didn't go bringing any bead bras like this into the fitting room.

And for those of you out there thinking, but Erin, this is clearly a boudoir bra designed to titillate and accentuate the female form, kiss my ass. When I go into the boudoir with intent. I'm not wearing any bra. I'm not wearing anything.

Big bras on sale from now on. That's it. That's who I am.

Links for lads and lassies

Greetings to all the lads and lassies from Lakeland Community College and Ursuline College who so graciously attended this weekend's programs. Congratulations to the Sigma Tau Delta Inductees at Ursuline and many thanks to the Western Reserve Spring Writer's Conference attendees at Lakeland.

As promised, here's links to all those essays I talked about:

From my Friday evening talk at Ursuline:

--Behold the miracle of corn chowder.

--What it's really like to sit in a bar at 5 a.m.

--When lawnmowers and Christmas lights converge.

--What my Mini Cooper, a floppy hat and Frosty the snowman have in common.

--And the "No Whining in Cleveland" column Fred Wright read from at the event along with an associated blog entry.

And from the "Turning Nonfiction into Creative Art" Saturday session at Lakeland:

--Musings on the Ohio Canal and an associated blog post.

--How about a naughty Barbie and some Big Girl Shoes?

--My love affair with the Cleveland Thinker, courtesy of Auguste Rodin.

Email me at eobnow[AT]yahoo[DOT]com if I've missed something. If anyone else out there is interested in having me as a speaker, there's information on that here.

Best of luck, best of words and best of life to everyone!

Baggy

I am swimming in presentation prep for this weekend's events. Back with actual fresh content next week. Until then, here is an ErinTube I uploaded about a year ago. If you have three minutes, you really should watch it. Really.

Oily volcano?

Wonder what Missy Palin's doing about this. Hmmm .... nothing!

Phone cam round up

Renegade grocery cart.


Hummer taking two spots. Figures.


Weird pic of Erin looking into a mirror on the floor of the chandelier store (don't ask).


Wonder if they unlock it after hours.


Dropped your pacie, kid.


Viva Velveeta!


"God I need Money" scrawled on ATM. Wonder if he granted the request.


Whole goat leg for sale. Pass the salt.


Okay.


Can I borrow your comb, Dude?

Read this

I thought this piece on Geithner by Jessica Yellin for CNN was a damn fine bit of writing.

Sometimes I like me some big gummint

The Library of Congress has nearly 150 vintage magic posters. You can browse and download high resolution copies by typing "magic" into the search query box here. Click the "preview images" button for thumbnails. I am no printing expert, but I imagine if you had the right printer and ink and canvas, you could make some very beautiful hard copies of these images.

SO COOL!

I swear I could hang out here all day long. I am a vintage poster freak!

Now that is a good use of my tax dollars. I'm going to search "vaudeville" and "circus" and "cowboy" and ... and ... and ... I'm having a massive postergasm.

Here's a few for you. Click any image to enlarge (and as always, I encourage you to enlarge).

Twit

As you can see in the right-hand sidebar, I'm twittering!

TGIF?

Producing the first draft of my column is always like passing some sort of ragged stone. Whether I'm writing about drinking in a 5 a.m. bar or Dirty Barbie, beads of perspiration, squeezing, grunting and writhing in agony all go with the territory .

I know I'm finally getting somewhere when the stabbing pains start to subside and chortles, smirks and inhalations of revelation slowly begin to take their place.

So that's what's I'm doing today.

To mirror the experience in a modern cyber-sort of way, I offer this absolutely darling interview with one of Hef's Girls Next Door courtesy of Chelsea Lately. It may cause you to have a fit of pain or a bout of laughter. I guess it all depends on your point of view.

Some truth

Yes, I'm as infuriated by the AIG bonuses as everyone else. But I know in truth, this is a meaningless political football.

The real shame is that after the Great Depression, which was caused in no small part by deregulation and irresponsible financial conglomerates, the government put measures in place to make sure institutes that were "too big to fail" would never plague the country again. There are two ugly options when banks get too massive and blow up: you either "let 'em fail!" or you give them a shitload of money so they don't.

Over decades, the banking industry (read: old fat rich white guys) effectively lobbied Glass-Steagall and other regulatory measures into oblivion. Now I'm no economist and maybe parts of those rules and legislation were draconian and counterproductive. But make no mistake, we are in this mess because the measures that were designed to keep us out of it were dismantled over decades by greed. The Bush administration sealed the deal by putting the term "free market" on crack.

The first time around, they just went ahead and "let 'em fail!" which put us into the Great Depression. "Let 'em fail" turned out to be a real Hindenburg of ideas, people. So, while it's emotionally satisfying to shake our fists and cry "outrage!" and demonize AIG et al., fact is we own that mother.

You, me, all of us.

Hence, as part owner of AIG, I say this: Those contracts were in place before I was. I'm obligated to pay these people whether I like it or not. There's nothing I hate more than someone who squelches on a deal and, (I hate to admit it) it just ain't that much money in the grand scheme of things.

So pay up, shut up and move on.

A list ...

... of the podcasts I listen to, particularly now that THE FROZEN TUNDRA has defrosted and I can walk the earth again!

Warren Olney's "To the Point." Olney is one of the best journalists you'll find out there today. He's informed, smart, and unbiased. By taking contemporary issues and picking them apart with guests from opposing points of view, he really exposes his topic. Just a brilliant show.

Dan Carlin. His "Common Sense" show as well has his "Hardcore History" show never fail to engage me. I never miss an episode of either one. Carlin has a point of view unlike anybody else when it comes to politics and research like no one else when it comes to history. I HATED history until I found Carlin. Now, nothing else is good enough. I think so much of his work that I've donated to him.

Dan Savage, "Savage Love." Sex and relationship advice that is XXX raunchy and (usually) spot-on. Savage has made me laugh out loud, cringe, and nod in hearty agreement. There isn't a topic he won't tackle. The only way he could improve his show would be by having me as a guest.

KCRW's "Left, Right and Center." Arianna Huffington, Tony Blankley, Matt Miller and Bob Scheer duke it out on the political topics of the day without raising their voices.

Lastly, I sometimes I listen to "You Look Nice Today," which can be very funny in quirky way. It's like having coffee with three guys who might have been "Seinfeld" writers in another life. I also listen to any number of the major network news shows that I've missed if they catch my interest such as "This Week with George Stephanopoulos," "Face the Nation," and "60 Minutes."

Good gawd. What have I just revealed about myself?

Lucky photo round-up

Pin the boutonniere on the Erin.

From left to right, Yours Truly; Eryk Sampson (in a kilt!), Scorchers DJ; and Mike Olszewski and Scott Miller from WNCX. You guys rock my face off!

Irish eye smiling.

Cupcakes!

My good bud, Deanna Adams and her husband Jeff stopped in the WNCX St. Pat's party at Scorchers this morning. Woot!

Green day

I will be with the WNCX morning crew tomorrow, March 17, in downtown Cleveland at Scorchers to help rock in their St. Patrick's day party. Doors open at 6 a.m. I'll be chatting with Mike and Scott on the air right around 7 o'clock (EST), before heading over to the bar. You can listen to the action live here, but if you're in Northeast Ohio, why not come and join me for a coffee and Jamison?

To get you in the mood, here's the Pogues doing a live version of one of my favorites, "The Battle March Medley."

Twilight in Cleveland

I am up to my armpits in vampires.

I'm reading the entire Stephenie Meyer Twilight series in preparation for a four-hour course, "Between the Lines of Twilight."

We are going to have a blast in this class. We'll talk about real life vampires and vampires in literature. We'll take apart the characters and talk talk talk about everyone's favorite vamp boyfriend, Bella, their families and all their fascinating escapades. They'll be fanfic exercises and inside tricks on how and why the series works.

The class will be offered twice at Lakeland Community College: on April 2 and 9 from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. and on May 5 and 12 from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. Click the above embedded links for registration information, maps and other details. Space is limited, so register early.

To everyone in Northeast Ohio who loves the Twilight books, please come and sink your teeth into the flesh of the series!

A toast of respect for magical prowess

I just purchased a very large reproduction of this 1899 image on canvas. We hung it over the mantle. Can you imagine my poor kid? Who hangs something like this in the most prominent place in their home? Your dubious hostess, that's who!

First off: I love vintage magic posters. I've loved this one in particular for years and years. I love the way Mephistopheles is depicted as androgynous. But he's not androgynous in a soft way. The lines between his male and female components are hard--really hard. The masculine face, the voluminous dress. This is no Boy George, baby. This is a devil to sin with.

I want that mother's hat.

I love the huge goblets of brandy their hefting. No little candy-ass sips of polite aperitif here! I love Kellar's tuxedo, the intensity of his eyes as they bore into the smirking devil. I love the bats in the background and the outlines of other evil entities, the distant pitchfork. I love the colors.

And for those who are wondering, yes, everything in my house is this weird.

Now there's a big surprise

Bristol and Levi: I don't.

Rainy Day Recession

In my column this week, I toss out a few ideas on how to keep living large in the face of a shrinking economy. For those who might think I'm sitting over here casting crumbs from a throne, no way, baby. There is not one suggestion in my essay that didn't originate from the Offices of Erin O'Brien and points contingent. Erin walk the walk. Below are some photos to prove it.

Tough times have descended upon the Cleveland Scene as well, which is why my column isn't running as frequently. They've also cut back on published letters. But if you feel the need to tell my editor you love me or hate me, email Frank Lewis at flewisATclevesceneDOTcom.


Hidden bottles in my toilet tank. Too bad they ain't vodka.


The Poly Perk coffee pot. mmm ... That Maxwell House sure is fine!


Suave and Pabst and Valu Time. Generic is us, baby.


Does Carlo Rossi come in single-serve cans?


Snack time! I've got a two pound brick of Velveeta. Pass the Triscuits and Vlasics.


The dreaded giant pork. Look at the size of the behemoth compared to the Campbell's soup can!

Research, vol. 5

Moist towelette fans can't be wrong!

I'm going to drive up to East Lansing just to call his bluff and tell him I want a tour of the museum with a docent.

Still behind the curtain

A couple of days ago, I posted an old column about the writing life and getting rejected. Since I love this topic and since I'm still a bit buried in projects, here's a YouTube repeat from somewhere in the ago. It's one of my favorites.

For those who didn't know, I have an entire site devoted to this drivel if you wanted to hear more of my sad writing chronicles.

WNCX

I'll be on WNCX 98.5 FM tomorrow morning at 7 a.m. EST talking about my upcoming Cleveland Scene column on how to beat the recession. You can listen live here.

Research, vol. 4

There is an entire site devoted to the meticulous recording of airplane food.

PSA

We interrupt this blog for the following public service announcement:

My buddy Deanna Adams has done gone and wrote herself a book, Confessions of a Not-S0-Good Catholic Girl, that takes a look at life through many mirrors, from the ones on the handlebar of a hog to the ones before her beautician's chair.

"Adams can be funny. (Her teen-theft tales are capped by a story about how she and her three friends all stole identical dresses and wore them to school the next day.) She can be poignant. (The saddest line: "The last time I saw my father I gave him 20 dollars.") She can be brutally honest. (Adams admits to pondering suicide while living in a self-imposed exile in California. A cat named Jaggers saves her life.)" --Lake County News Herald, March 8, 2009

So go buy a copy for yourself or the boomer chick in your life. If you'd like to meet Dee in person (she is a BLAST), get thee to the Mentor, Ohio Barnes and Noble this Saturday, March 14, where she'll be signing books from 1 to 3 p.m.


We now return you to your regular blog, already in progress.

Pay no attention to the woman behind the curtain

I am working on an intense assignment. In order to boost my confidence (procrastinate), I browsed through some of my older work. I found something that is funny, true and pertinent that will hopefully entertain at least some of you, particularly the writers among us.

The only thing I can handle right now

GO Obama

From yesterday's comment section:

do you think spending millions on preserving mice habitat in San Fran is worthy? How about trying to figure out why pigs smell? Contriceptives distribution. These all may be worthy (or not) but let us quit pretending this is a stimulus bill. It is a fullfilling the liberal shopping list they have been denied the last 12 years. --Hoosierboy

I've driven by those pig farms. Yeah, I think someone needs to figure out that problem. And yeah, I'm all for the distribution of contraception.

As for those itty-bitty mices with their itty bitty mice noses and feetsies and teethies, here's what Finch said:

There is no item in the stimulus package for a mouse habitat. The California Coastal Conservancy may get up to $30M for several wetland projects, one of which includes the home of the endangered salt marsh mouse. These projects would also benefit salmon, trout, ducks, etc. And since they involve the building of levees and islands, the projects could create up to 100 jobs.

You can argue whether the 100 new jobs figure is accurate. You can argue whether it's the most effective way of spending $30M. You can't make a case that there is a dime in the stimulus package for mice preservation.

I should probably do the research myself. But Finch is a pretty smart guy and I believe him.

And perhaps most importantly, if I were an unemployed single mom and got a maintenance job at the Mister Marsh Mouse House or if I got a job inputting data in the office of the Porkulus Odor Study Foundation or if I got a job answering phones at the Screw To Your Hearts Content Clinic, um ... yeah, I'd call it stimulus. I'd call it stimulus when she gets a paycheck and puts it right back into the economy by way of state and local sales tax and groceries and a new pair of shoes for her kid.

Build mag trains. Fund the arts. And please figure out the electric car thing already so we can stop paying to build indoor ski resorts in Dubai. I am really sick of my dollars floating on a sea of oil to build goddamn Dubai.

Of course I realize this may very well mean a tax increase for me and mine. So what? I'm fabulous.

I am SNOOPY DANCE HAPPY with the Obama administration. I am pissing straight up a rope with glee over this and this. I like what he's doing even if I don't like what he's doing.

And baby, I am not alone.

Coming soon to a theater near you

GOP: THE DESTROYERS

SPEED! NEED! GREED!

STARRING: Rushie-poo LIMBAUGH, Category 5 PALIN, Baby Blue BOEHNER, Jingle Balls JINDAL, Stainless STEELE and Coldcocker COULTER!

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BURN before the roiling wrath of Rushie-poo Limbaugh when he can't find his earpiece!

SIZZLE as a helplessly bound Category 5 Palin begs for abstinence-only from a merciless Jingle Balls Jindal!

GASP as a leather-clad Baby Blue Boehner fights his way through 18 thrilling holes opposite a snarling Stainless Steele!

COWER before a ravenous Coldcocker Coulter as she eats kittens!

FLY with the freedom of this no-holds-barred gang as they speed over the crumbling highways of America in fully-loaded Cadillac DTS's!

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I'm working on the script. Anybody have any ideas?

By popular request

Here is the definition of erf!

Akron is weird

When you're in Cleveland, you're in Cleveland but you're not in Akron (although you're close). I live halfway in between the two. Cleveland is Cleveland. Akron is weird.

I don't go to Akron much (but I do go there) even though I'm weird and I fit in (Clevelanders have nothing against Akronites and vice versa--we watch out for each other's asses). There's old hilly neighborhoods in Akron where all the houses are weird because they are perpendicular to the regular earth horizon, but the actual earth underneath them is slanted.

It's like a San Francisco thing, but it's not San Francisco, it's weird Akron.

The weirdest thing about Akron is the Blimp House. I always forget about the Blimp House until one day, I'll be hauling ass down Route 224 (which is weird to even think about--Route 224? weird) and sure as shit, I crest the hill and there's the Blimp House.

"Whoa! The Blimp House!" I'll say to no one.

You never think about where the blimps are when they're not blimping. Where do blimps go at night? Well, now you know: they're in the Blimp House. The Blimp House is bigger than you could ever think. It's sure as hell bigger than you're thinking right now.

There is loads more to be said about Akron: Quaker Square, the old Tangiers Night Club, my great-grandfather's ground-breaking work as first head of research at Goodyear (owner of Blimp House), and the spider-cave swimming hole off the Portage Lakes, just to name a few.

I don't know why I thought of weird Akron this morning but I did and so now you're thinking of it and the Blimp House.

This post is done.

You guys

It's no secret that I've been grinding away at a book. There's a few other pokers in the fire for me as well. And the column isn't running as often, but damned if it still doesn't take me forever to write it. Even with much going on, full-time writing is a lonely business. The thing I miss most about my previous career was all the great people I interacted with throughout the day.

But that's changed because now I have all of you. And when I'm mired in my words, it's wonderful to hop over to the comment section or Facebook or email and see who's there. It's sort of like my virtual break room. Invariably, it's full of funny, intelligent and interesting people.

I love you guys.

I'm sorry if I can't respond properly to everyone all the time, but I have a terrible time staying focused as it is (as if anyone reading me for any length of time couldn't tell that the mind of Erin is a frenetic and strange place). Just know how important you are to me. I hope you're having as much fun as I am.

* * *

erf!

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