If you're feelin' sad and lonely, there's a service I can render

The readership does not want to know how much its humble hostess enjoyed this video. She does, however, advise the readership to soldier through until at least the 1:07 mark when the dancing chicks make the scene.

*  *  *

Obama finally does something the GOP loves

Here's a bad idea, I'm going to make a prediction:

The AP phone records grab story is going to fade fast.

I mean come on. Does anyone believe the GOP will really do anything about a covert investigation that included seizing private phone records from the "liberal mainstream" media?

Nope. After all, the right side of the aisle certainly doesn't want any real reforms or legislation in place when it's their turn to spy on journalists.

Now they do have to act like they're upset about the issue because it's associated with Obama, so they might bellyache and get all red-faced, but then this thing is going to disintegrate like a wet Kleenex.

Folks, if something this public and this egregious gets glanced over by our government, say goodbye to the last thin remaining strands of privacy festooning the Constitution.

Aside: How funny is it that the Second Amendment zealots are afraid of a gun registry? As if the gov doesn't have every single one of them on a list anyway. They can find out anything about anyone without any reason, including what guns you own and whether or not you wear ladies' underwear.

Man-o-man, it ain't easy for libs. We put a "lefty" in the Oval Office and he starts doing stuff that would make Nixon blush.

*  *  *

For your consideration

While your humble hostess continues to persevere through her professional obligations, she offers up the following culinary suggestion--the quintessential green bean sandwich, the recipe for which she hopes is obvious enough in today's graphic.

*  *  *

Big Erin on big data

Last Thursday, hiVelocity ran my story on big data across Ohio, which focused on a couple of businesses dealing in that phenomenon as well as what's going on in data analytics education across the state. As I plowed through the article, I puzzled over the larger implications.

Glenn Greenwald penned a May 4 column about über-surveillance in the United States that included a quote from a former FBI agent Tim Clemente regarding our telephone conversations:

... Welcome to America. All of that stuff is being captured as we speak whether we know it or like it or not.

Really?

One thing I learned in my research is that even as storage gets more and more efficient, big data takes up a WHOLE lot of space that must be temperature/humidity controlled ($$$). The other obvious thing to me about big data is that a lot of people are storing a lot of stuff thinking that one day it may be a "gold mine," but there are not a lot of people who know what to do with all those ones and zeroes.

Do I believe emails might be stored for a long long time? I guess. Digitally speaking, they're tiny. Comparatively speaking, a voice file is huge, although I'm sure there are a zillion nerds out there grinding out compression software for this express purpose. Even so, I'm just not convinced Uncle Sam is saving every thing we say and before I change my mind, I need some answers.

1. How are my conversations recorded?

2. How are they compressed, saved and tagged?

3. How are they stored and for how long?

Folks, whatever the answers are, you can't save everything forever and any disks Uncle Sam's saving that stuff on become obsolete as soon as he loads them up. Remember thinking how the 100 MB Zip discs were huge?

Lastly, out of 1,000 hours of stock American conversation, about five minutes of it may be interesting to Uncle Sam, which leads me to my last question:

How much money am I paying to record, label and store robocalls, endless conversations between Joan and Margie about their monthly cycles and all the time we spend on hold listening to a tinny version of Girl from Ipanema?

*  *  *

Commander William Ryker sits down

*  *  *

What I know about the house on Seymour Avenue

If you walk due west from 2207 Seymour Avenue and take a left onto West 25th Street; and then go south for one block, you'll find yourself in front of John Zubal’s place. His sprawling collection of books numbers upwards of 2.5 million and has captured the attention of Anthony Bourdain as well as yours truly.

I cannot aptly describe in words or show in pictures the divinity of this place, but it is indeed a wonder. Consider, for instance, that a large portion of the books are housed in vintage wooden pear and fruit crates that Zubal collected as a kid from area open air markets. As I walked amid the stacks of books with John Zubal and heard his story last fall, I welled up in that rare way.

Oh Cleveland, how you do me sometimes.

Now then, this is Cleveland and you are in a very old part of town. Hence you don't have to travel much farther away from Seymour Avenue in order to find another solid example of authenticity.

Head back out onto 25th Street and stroll south down to Meyer Avenue--don't dawdle, this neighborhood can be a bit rough around the edges--okay, maybe more than a little bit rough and maybe in the middle as well, but your next destination is less than a half mile. Take a right onto Meyer and go due west until you get to 30th.

Stop.

No matter how humble that brick building looks, you are standing in front of one of this town's most splendid jewels. Holtkamp Organ Company has been handcrafting pipe organs in Cleveland since 1855 and when you step inside the "new shop" (built in 1921), your eyes will widen and the breath will push out of your lungs in a big wondrous sigh.

I know. I was just there for an interview for this story in this week's Fresh Water.

Voicing studio, Holtkamp Organ Company

I hope with all my heart that Amanda and Gina and Michelle find the rest of their lives soon and that the guilty pay the appropriate price. We will never erase this ugliness, but it will diminish with time. As for that tough old Cleveland neighborhood that I love so dearly--don't listen to everything they're saying about you. They don't understand, but I do. I know how hard you tried. May you heal quickly too. I know you will, you quirky beautiful grid of streets. You always do.

*  *  *

A Christmas Story House

--The interview I conducted with John Zubal was for a shopping guide I wrote for Ohio City Argus last year. You can view it here (pages 8 and 9). Each entry focuses on a homegrown CLE business and every one of them is less than a mile from the house on Seymour Avenue.

--Cleveland Vibrator is about a mile and a half from the house, as is Palookaville Chili.

--My favorite breakfast spot in Cleveland, Grumpy's, is about 3/4 mile from Seymour, as is A Christmas Story House.

This list could go on and on, but you get the picture.

*  *  *

Phone cam round-up

THANK YOU. I will NOT

Big lady, big drink, red car, ice machine.

Four new toilets going in.

One old toilet going out.

When truth meets cute animal picture.

Goat and friend.

Okay, I get the "Complaint Dept." joke; and the "Kid's Book Buyout" is obvious enough, but "Confusion is our most important product"? Nope, don't get it, Ollie's. Don't get it at all.

No thanks. I just had some goat.

Buddy, "Tanfastik" would only work if your product was craptastic, which it is not. Fake tans are dumb. And your sign is not just kind of dumb, but really dumb on account of a zillion other tan places that call themselves "Tanfastik."

Open a bagel bar instead. You can call it "Holey Bread!"

The official entrance to the Twilight Zone.

... gimme french fry ... gimme french fry right now ... gimme gimme gimme ...

Dear visionyoga.net Marketing Dept: What it lacks in permanence, it makes up for in thrift.

I like it. I like it a lot.

* * *

Cuppa

Behold my Farberware Superfast Fully Automotic (FSFA) percolator, which was built by cavemen in the paleolithic age.

I don't know exactly when My Gram Soos purchased the FSFA, but it was surely in the 60s or 70s. It's bequest to me was like any other such transfer of goods (Erin? Do you want my Farberware Percolator? I don't use it anymore, but I don't want to throw it away. It's a perfectly good percolator!) I reluctantly accepted and relegated the FSFA to the cabinet above the stove, while my gleaming 12-cup Braun graced the counter top.

The Goat and I were married in 1992. The Braun was one of our wedding gifts. It died after a year or two and, thinking that the failure was some sort of fluke (we're talking a Braun here), we replaced it with the exact same model. After all, the carafe from our first Braun was still perfectly good and wouldn't it be nice to have an extra if the carafe on the new Braun broke?

The second Braun (of course) died after a few years with its carafe completely intact. At that point, I tossed the second crapped out Braun and both unbroken carafes.

Humble Hostess displaying
Poly Perk, circa 2006.

Next up, enter the Cuisanart drip coffee maker with the insulated carafe. We used that for a long time until a friend gave me a French Press as a gift, which I love and use every day. The French Press, however, does not accomodate a large group. So when we hosted a dinner party last fall, I pulled out the Cuisanart and readied it for brewing after dinner.

The miserable thing turned on BY ITSELF in the middle of drinks and nibbles. It sparked and dumped water all over the counter top like some sort of goddamn appliance terrorist attack.

And what was the stand-in for that event? The FSFA of course. The FSFA was the stand-in between the Brauns and the Cuisinart and a couple other models I'm probably forgetting.

Fast forward to this morning. The French press refused to press courtesy of stripped threading on the plunger (which had admittedly been deteriorating for some time). I proceeded with a predictable oath-peppered tirade and then, also predictably, I pulled out the FSFA, put in the water and the coffee, plugged it in and after a few minutes of burping (the FSFA, not me), I poured a cup of regular shitty American coffee exactly the way my Gram Soos did some 40-plus years ago and exactly the way my kid will do 40 years from now.

Hence, one ancient FSFA > two Bruans, one Cuisanart, one French press and at least one or two others I cannot remember--call it at least $400 in coffee makers.

People, behold everything that's wrong with America.

*  *  * 

For the curious, I still have the Poly Perk (pictured). Although I have not used it in some time, it presumably still works and therefore garners a Honorable Mention from Yours Truly. Click here for more information.

* * *

Three diversions

Communications Department, Discount Desk & Office Supply

While your humble hostess busies herself with professional obligations, she invites the readership to enjoy this trio of worthy diversions:

Diversion number one: a really skinny house.

Diversion number two: remarkable rocks.

Diversion number three: found.

*  *  *

I like you

I can't decide if this video makes me want to take a shower or eat a hamburger. It does make me feel about 100 years old and I'm oddly at peace with that.

* * *