Give me the shaft

There are any number of reasons to love "Shaft," the Oscar-winning theme song for the 1971 blaxploitation movie of the same name.

1. There's the lyrics:

Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?

2. There's the jump suit Isaac Hayes is wearing in this full-length slo-mo performance of the song:



3. There's the fact that "Shaft" has been covered by a ukulele ocrchestra.

... And now for a glimpse into the incredible Eriness of Being ...

4. Listening to "Shaft" the other day, it ocurred to me that today's pop music has all but lost the instrumentals that gave "Shaft" it's energy. You can't get that visceral animal thrust from a goddamn canned electronic loop. And that, dear readers, is how I came up with the idea for this FREEBLOG entry.

5. Happy Friday.

Recession post vol. two with special guest Al the Retired Army Guy

I first met Al when I was a junior at Ohio University. My buddy Sean and I went to a party at Ohio State hosted by Al and his roommates.

Sean and I headed north on State Route 33. I didn't know the Ohio State guys, so I grilled Sean about them all the way there.

"Al's been my friend for years. You'll love him," said Sean. "He's ROTC. All these guys are ROTC."

"All ROTC? " I said. "Scary. There'll probably be a can of Cruex in the bathroom."

That was more than twenty years ago. Since then, Al's been all over the earth serving in the Army. I won't say anything else about it because I don't want George W. Bush coming over here and clopping me over the head for talking about important military stuff in the crazy blogosphere. Suffice it to say that if our military was involved in it over the last 20 years, Al was probably there. I was sure glad to hear from him late last year and learn he was safe and that his active duty was over.

The cool thing about Al is that he's not only a tough Army guy, he's also a sophisticated chef. And now that his military days are behind him, he's going to culinary school in order to teach others how to be great chefs.

Here is a recession-buster recipe courtesy of Al. I imagine he'll be lurking around the comment section if anyone has questions about this recipe or other stuff.

As for the party all those years ago. I don't remember all the details. I remember a great deal of eating and drinking. I remember thinking Al was swell. And oh yeah, there was a can of Cruex in the bathroom.

Al The Retired Army Guy's Hobo Potatoes

Hardware:

Sheet Pans (One if doing in an oven)

Mandoline (to slice onions; if not, a good chef’s knife will do; if in a recession, use a pocket knife or whatever knife you have on hand)


Heavy-duty aluminum foil

Chef’s knife (or or whatever knife you have) to dice ham

Tongs (in a recession, a fork or even some really good sticks will do to enable to move the packets around; it will be hot picking these things up by hand, trust me)

Instant read thermometer (just to be safe! If in a recession, well, you probably can’t afford one – go by smell, touch, and sight)

Software:

3-5 medium-large Yukon Gold or Red Bliss potatoes

1-2 medium red onions

Casino butter, vinaigrette, oil and vinegar, or other liquid (store bought salad dressing is OK, but I don’t recommend it as it is more expensive). Since we’re in a recession, any liquid will do, but it will impact the final product. Beer is an option as is any type of wine, or water. Stock is fine as well, or bouillon cubes diluted in lots of water (I mean lots of water; bouillon cubes themselves are like a salt lick as you probably already know)

3-4 ham slices or diced ham (2-3 ounces or so, more if you like ham. If you can get it pre-diced, that would be good)

Salt (preferably kosher; if you’re in a recession, anything you can salvage from a fast food joint or other emporium will do, though the taste won’t be as good)

Freshly ground pepper (if possible; if not, one use what you can salvage from said fast food place)

Method:

Slice potatoes using either mandoline or chef’s knife about ¼” to ½” thick. If you’re in a recession, use a pocket knife. Set aside.

Slice onions ¼” thick using mandoline or chef’s knife (or pocket knife). Set aside.

Dice ham if necessary; if using slices, stack and slice into ¼” square pieces. Conversely, you can buy this at a store already done. If you’re in a recession, along with the government cheese* you can get some pre-diced government ham. (I’ve had it in the military, a scary thing indeed!) This being said, ham is entirely optional (it's included for flavor), or if you can get some canned stuff, you can use that.

Take sheets of aluminum foil (amount of foil will vary based on size of potatoes and other ingredients, but it should be large enough so you can close up foil into a “packet” when filled with ingredients), and place potatoes, vinaigrette/butter/liquid on them (use about 2 Tbsp liquid/vinaigrette/butter per packet). Add ham (sprinkle it on, a heaping spoonful) and onions (a few slices, it’s up to you). Season to taste with salt and pepper, then close packet by crimping foil. Place either on a grill (over medium high heat), an open fire (on coals, but watch so ingredients don’t burn – it will cook much faster this way. You could always put the packets on the rim of the fire, so it won’t cook as fast allowing greater control over the finished product), or in an oven on a sheet pan (at 400 degrees F). Cook until potatoes are tender, about 15 minutes or so (it may take less or more time depending on the cooking medium).

To serve, open packet. Take in smell. Use fork. Eat. Enjoy.

*Government cheese is an option, but that stuff is downright nasty. Better you than me.

Thanks Al. Can't wait to try it. I'm going to go pilfer packets of salt and pepper from Arby's right now. Bet these spuds will go great with a Stroh's or PBR. I've even got some Velveeta and Spam on hand if I need to come up with something in a pinch.

Spring phone cam round-up

Sorry, buddy, but half the tree's gone. The half that's left is trying real hard, though.

Welcome to BraLand! It's a wonderland of bras!

There's a good beer store. Don't forget the Doritos.

Loosen up a little bit, wontcha buddy?

Hey! My Goat's not drunk! He ain't a little cheese either!

And one more Goat, sent from a mysterious admirer on the West Coast! Freak me out!

Recession post vol. one

Since the dollar has shrunk to a size that is way smaller than either of my nipples, I figured a few recession-themed posts were in order. To kick off this econo-fest, here is a graphic depicting some of the "choices" we've made here at Casa Goat D'OBrien in order stretch the ol' greenback a little further.

Some additional notes, suggestions and miscellany:

1. Shit-can that ritzy-titsy $8 vibrating 5-blade Soleil Venus whatever and get a 12-pack of disposable Lady Bic single-blade cheapos. Use Suave conditioner instead of that expensive melon-scented lady shave cream gel. It's fine.

2. How many of you keep your eyes closed during sex? Unrelated, I know, but I'm just curious.

3. Enough with the $5 CappuFreenoMochasspresso. But a goddamn can of Folgers and brew it yourself.

4. "Bloopy" should be a word.

5. DO NOT buy crappy sheets. If you can't afford the regular 300-count brushed pima cotton, go to TJMaxx and buy seconds. Doesn't matter if they don't have your color (particularly if you answered "all the time" to # 2), just so they feel wonderful next to the skin.

6. I love this. The chickie on the hay bale slays me.

More to come, including a special guest post from Al the Retired Army Guy. Now I'm off to Kohl's. My favorite brand of undies finally went on sale.

What is sexy?

One of the things that surfaced during my research for the RealDoll story was the topic of real women. Many of the doll owners complained that "RealGirls" just want good-looking young men or wealthy and powerful men. One even referenced Hugh Hefner and his little darlings and I laughed out loud at my computer screen.

Maybe that's fine for the trophy wives and their respective hunters, but babies, if you want to know sexy, Erin know sexy.

I'm not going to give you that tired old list of looking-into-my-eyes, rubbing-my-feet, champagne and strawberries stuff. I am 42 years old for chrissake. I can do a little better than that. Here goes:

-Overtipping the overworked lunch waitress is sexy (and I mean just slipping a few extra bills under the sugar bowl without making a big showy deal of it).

-I do not miss smoking, but I do miss men lighting my cigarette.

-Whispering something sophisticated and funny in my ear at a dinner party is sexy.

-Work Chinos are sexy. So are the men in them. I don't care about that beer belly, darlin'.

-Desire is sexy. I'm not talking about simply being horny, I'm talking about profound desire, the sort that says I want you. I want to be as close as two people can be, to draw you into me and put my mouth on your mouth and have you so completely that the edges between us blur.

-Taking both my hands in either of your hands and pulling them up above my head and holding them there with our fingers interlaced while we kiss in bed is sexy.

-The concept of coupling is sexy.

-Sometimes this site is silly and sometimes it is sweet, but I like it because this is what the subjects want to show me. It's personal and funny and small--like private sexy snapshots you'd send to a lover. But you show it to me because that turns you on as well. I love it and I'm looking and you are adorable. I look forward to seeing you every Thursday.

-I've watched many people climax. Almost all of them get a smoky satisfied look in the moment between the apex and the denouement--arguably the very essence of sexy.

The sexiest thing a man can do is love women for who they are, for their crow's feet and bad coffee and tears.

Love machine

This important footage is a companion piece to an essay I wrote for Ed Champion on David Levy's book Love and Sex with Robots.