Ain't misbehavin'

I love marital aids that look like they've been plucked from the set of Star Trek tos.* I'm talking your fantastical and otherworldly. I'm talking your improbable.

You'd think I'd have had a bit of media posted here from the old Star Trek with an example of exactly what I mean, but after a person has been searching for vids and photos that have an incidental prop in them that look like a groovy dildo for over an hour, a person realizes that they're pretty much at the end of the line. The evocative photo of Kirk and Uhuru will have to do. You can extrapolate the rest for yourself.

*tos is an acronym for "the original series," which I learned while doing my intrepid research for this post. I'm cutting edge like that.

Oh all right already. I hear you bellyaching over there. Now this is as examply as I'm going to get, but damn if this little number couldn't command the Bridge and then some:

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This post lovingly dedicated to Fred.

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Mail call

Stop playing with yourself and watch this

Coming soon to a theater near you

GOP: THE DESTROYERS

SPEED! NEED! GREED!

STARRING: Rushie-poo LIMBAUGH, Category 5 PALIN, Baby Blue BOEHNER, Jingle Balls JINDAL, Stainless STEELE and Coldcocker COULTER!

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BURN before the roiling wrath of Rushie-poo Limbaugh when he can't find his earpiece!

SIZZLE as a helplessly bound Category 5 Palin begs for abstinence-only from a merciless Jingle Balls Jindal!

GASP as a leather-clad Baby Blue Boehner fights his way through 18 thrilling holes opposite a snarling Stainless Steele!

COWER before a ravenous Coldcocker Coulter as she eats kittens!

FLY with the freedom of this no-holds-barred gang as they speed over the crumbling highways of America in fully-loaded Cadillac DTS's!

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I'm working on the script. Anybody have any ideas?

Mall zombies

Just got back from the mall. It was hellish.

I don't go to the mall very often and when I do, I go in, get what I need and leave. I don't hang around sucking down an extra-large Orange Julius all day. But this time, my kid was taking forever in Claire's, so I told her I'd wait outside on a bench.

After I checked over my purchases, I started really looking at the people in the mall.

Have you ever really looked at mall people? They are unattractive in a deep way. They are large, misshapen, slack-jawed and slow-moving. Bad shoes. Bad tattoes. Cheap, oversized clothing. Glazed expressions. Styrofoam plates piled high with bad mall food.

Terrifying, really.