Monday, March 30, 2009

A new bra day

I'm buying a big bra.

I want a big bra that's white with panels and thick straps and with a row of five hooks up the back. I don't care.

I want a bra that says "lock down." You buy a bra like this? You're talking containment device. Nothing's getting in or out of this baby without approval from management.

I remember when you used to buy bras in the basement of Halle's in the "Foundations" department where they had dubiously masculine women of a certain age who wore Sensible Shoes and would help you with "fittings." Those broads knew bras.

"You need support in the cup area," they'd say while hefting either of your boobs in their hands. And believe me, when you walked out of there, you had support in the cup area, baby.

I'm sick of trying to muscle these beauties into some tiny cocktail candy-ass jewelry bra that isn't even a bra. It's a string with some lace and I'm done dealing with anything like that.

Look at this silly bra with the beads. On the outside chance that I could fit one boob in there, I'd probably get all tangled with beads stuck in my armpit. I'd never get that bead-holder thingie around my neck the right way. I'd be getting all sweaty and frustrated, then my boob would pop out. It's dumb. The Sensible Shoe Foundation ladies didn't go bringing any bead bras like this into the fitting room.

And for those of you out there thinking, but Erin, this is clearly a boudoir bra designed to titillate and accentuate the female form, kiss my ass. When I go into the boudoir with intent. I'm not wearing any bra. I'm not wearing anything.

Big bras on sale from now on. That's it. That's who I am.

34 comments:

Tim O'Regan said...

I'm glad you're comfortable with being comfortable. Whatever happened to the Sensible Shoe ladies? Has your impending birthday had any bearing on this resolution?

Ken Houghton said...

"When I go into the boudoir with intent. I'm not wearing any bra. I'm not wearing anything."

The Goat doesn't get the pleasure of trying, in the grip of passion and Erin, to unhook those five on the back with one (and usually the "wrong") hand?

For the first time ever, I feel sorry for him.

Erin O'Brien said...

Tim, I was browsing through a catalog last night and thought, damn! I'm going to buy a big bra!

Ken, we've been married 16 years. He wants hooks? He can go fishing.

Erin O'Brien said...

Oh--as for the Sensible Shoe ladies. No idea where they are. Bloggers?

Shaina said...

i feel ya, erin. sadly, i have no choice but to buy granny-bras--four hooks, two colors (white and beige), ugly lace...with the exception of my two(formerly three) Victoria's Secret bras which give very little actual support but make me feel good. but someday, someday soon, i will be able to buy a bright pink mofo with polkadots and it will be GLORIOUS.

The Fool said...

I think you can set this (with slight variation), to the old Huey Lewis tune, "I Want a New Drug."

"I Wanna New Bra..."

;)

deangc said...

You gonna get one of those conical 50's era babies? Those say good things, those pointy bras do. They say Sean Connery is James Bond, Diamonds Are Forever, and American prosperity will never end.

They evoke Pontiacs with fins so tall you could ski down them. Motels, cocktails, Madison Avenue, the American Dream. These bras make it clear that they are containers. They aren't support, they're wrapping. Nobody normal has conical tits, and these babies are advertisements for the wonders they contain.

Fuck the Obama stimulus package. What America needs is more women wearing Big Pointy Bras. Nothing will get the economy turned around like these reminders of what it used to be like, back when a pearl necklace was merely jewelry and a woman could wear one while ironing.

philbilly said...

Coincidentally, just a couple weeks ago, the streets were filled with people chanting "Erin go Bra!".

deangc, if you run for political office, you have my vote.

dogsdontpurr said...

With every post, I love you more and more! And how is that even possible when I thought I loved you with all my heart when I first started reading you? I love love love the way you write and the topics you go after.

(Not to stray, but I also want to give a wink to deancg for have an amazingly brilliant comment!)

Amy L. Hanna said...

This post makes me grateful to have a modest-sized rack that affords the privilege of wireless "minimum security".

Zen Wizard said...

I used to sell polypropelene and offer a "perpetual care" guarantee.

But that was tombstones and I guess bras are different...

Erin O'Brien said...

Shaina--make it one that has peek-a-boo cut outs.

Fool: "I want some new jugs" sung to the same tune ...

Dean: Madonna's revival of the cone bra didn't begin to do justice to the real McCoys. She never ironed either. Plus, add Chanel No. 5 to the ironing scenario.

Phil: That was all about me, right?

DDP: Thank chicka-boom. Luv you too!

Amy: I'm surprised Homeland Security hasn't made us take the wired jobs off before boarding an airplane.

Zen: You never ever want to garuntee a bra. Just trust me on this one.

deangc said...

O'Brien: She never ironed either.

But I'll lay pre-recession dollars to little tiny doughnuts that she's had many, many pearl necklaces.

Museful said...

Wow! Are corsets coming back?

Erin O'Brien said...

Tony: I'm not sure they ever went out of style.

Kirk Jusko said...

Um, how does this play out in the summer? No more halter tops?

Zen Wizard said...

The minute you guarantee a bra, some Uschi Digart comes along with a monster rack and wants a refund and there goes your whole profit margin.

I wish they would come out with those pointy Joan Holloway bras again...those were the days...I was only three the first time around and I feel I have a little more "game" nowadays...oh, who am I kidding; I would just say the wrong stuff AGAIN!!!

Erin O'Brien said...

Kirk. If I put on a halter top, it would frighten the children.

Glass Houses said...

In my world, corsets are not only still in style, but they are now outer wear.

In fact, just last night I wore one to Bounce nightclub where I sang showtunes while people threw money at me.

My life is a strange place to live.

Anonymous said...

Growing up as a baby boomer I was surrounded by sensible shoes and big bras. Upon entering college in 1972 my senses were overloaded. Boobs had been released from their confines and were jiggling everywhere, much to the delight of us hormone-overloaded adolescent males. Since fashion runs in cycles I suspect you and women like you are setting the stage for a renewal of the cult of breast.

Vive la Halter Tops!

RJ

SDS said...

I have to say, I'm right on the Plus size/not plus size precipice, and I still choose to buy the 36DD's at Lane Giant consort Cacique instead of whatever crap they have at the back of the drawer at Victoria's Secret. They have the wide, serious Boulder Holder straps, stays that banish the dreaded "Side Boob", in fact they are essentially the big bra you're looking for but in an amazing array of colors and styles. We're talking bank vault solid thick hot mama chick bra. They don't itch or whatever.

Think about it. Don't slide from the Dorothy Shoe Heights, Erin O!

Divana said...

Hahaha! Erin, you're hilarious.

I find Triumph one of the best brands for Bras - it provides both full protection and style.

I know exactly what you mean - I would rather wear a grannie bra if it means quality than a flimsy bra that only provides style.

Check out Triumph: http://www.triumph.com/global/#/index.html

Erin O'Brien said...

GH: Now I have to go to Bounce. I want a corset!

RJ: Cult of Breast is going to kick Scientology's ass.

SDS: Lane Giant. Lord that is brilliantly cruel. And no worries, the Shoegasm girl will never leave me.

Divana: A bra named "Triumph" just like the motorcycle. From you I would expect nothing less.

Glass Houses said...

Erin -

If you are serious about getting a corset, you should head to Lakewood. The Mission Boutique has a nice selection of sturdy corsets at pretty reasonable prices. And you haven't lived until you've been laced into a corset by a sales lady who used to be a dom. Much more interesting than the Sensible Shoe ladies.

http://themissionboutique.com/

Erin O'Brien said...

holy shit

Anonymous said...

Haha...

Oh yeah, forgot to mention...the shop is where the hardware store used to be on the southeast corner of Madison and Warren...right next to the Fire Station.

GH

glittergirl said...

i've been careful to get "serious" bras ever since i was doing a "high step" at marching band practice and my bra broke! i was out there jumping around and "the girls" were...unleashed...i was 16....aye, the horror.....

CynDe said...

Two things I have always dreading shopping for - bras and shoes. I'm hard on both; they're hard on me too. The bras ride up in the back to the base of my skull while my girls look at my crippled up feet more than I do. The podiatrist said, "no more pretty shoes for you anymore" - the price of standing on cement floors as a lithographer has taken its toll.

Rebecca said...

I found a company that not only does big bras, but does them in pretty

http://www.intimo.com.au/

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

dogsdontpurr said...

I also know of a great catalog for delicious bras designed only for us full figured girls:
bravissimo.com

I was going to post it earlier, but I couldn't remember the web address. You don't know how many versions of "bravissimo," I googled before I realized I could just look on one of my bras. D'oh!

Best fitting bras ever!

(And they do ship to the US.)

Peter Lewerin said...

EOB: we've been married 16 years

My wife and I have been married for 21 years, and every reach-around unhooking (when I'm invited to do so) is still special.

Sheskis said...

Hysterical Erin. I'm one of those small-boobed women who always tried to wear a push-up bra that pretended to make me look like I have cleavage. Always wished it would find a way to push some extra up from my butt. I wear a sports bra now, no cleavage, no problem.

Musings said...

I feel ya sister! I've often wished for small perky boobs that don't NEED a bra. Then the bra becomes an accessory, a sort of gift wrapping if you will. Instead I, well let's just say that for me a bra is a need! A real honest to goodness need, like I need glasses to drive a car need!! If only a good bra could be comfortable. If I had comfort I wouldn't even care about pretty :-}

Mike Lawless said...

Oh, yes...I remember being in Halle's Men's Department, just down the road from Santa. I was trying on men's undies and Santa yelled something about how he needed me to guide his sleigh tonight because there was a red light in - well you know. Anyhow, I agreed and later that night we crashed into a bridge and I explained to Santa that the red light was only there when horny...like a reindeer. He was upset...and needed months to heal.