Walking through the American dream

So the Goat and I are lying in our conjugal bed listening to the rain outside as it washes out our plans to walk.

"Honey," I say.

"Yes?" he says.

"There is another option."

"Oh?"

"We could ...  we could ... ," I stammer, afraid of my own forthcoming words. "We could mall walk."

And there it was. And it had to be gotten through like all the rest of it.

 ##

The inscrutable half-head mannequin

The first mall walking discovery was agreeable enough: We were not alone, although we walked a good deal faster than the other mall walkers. After one or two laps, however, things began to deteriorate, starting with sensory overload. Everything is designed to entice you visually (of course), but smell plays a large part as well. One aroma billows out at you after another. Perfume, candy, soap, popcorn, Sbarro, that money-smell they pump out at casinos.

One of several candy banks and a guy

Ubiquitous headless mannequins confront you with escalating creepiness. Some have heads, but no faces. Macy's had some with faces that were wearing lipstick, which moved that entire establishment up three notches on the Humanity Scale.

Apple Store and headless chicks in evening gowns

At about the 35-minute mark, we found ourselves completely disoriented. The more we repeated our laps, the more we wondered where we had seen the giant woman clad in a bra with the smoky gaze. Did we park by this entrance or that last one? How could we not have noticed that plus-size mannequin before?

We walked through a cloud of something that smelled (ahem) organic. "We just walked through someone's fart," I said to the Goat, and at once, my fellow mall walkers were not quite so endearing.

Yes, really

Athletic shoes are now candy colored and the stores that house them are hellish collages of ... stuff. The Goodyear tire store with a mall entrance filled me with unprecedented joy. Home Spa was by far the most depressing business. A couple of bored looking people in smocks sat on dubious looking couches near the storefont until someone poured themselves into one of the massage chairs. It felt like witnessing sexless prostitution. Not sure which was worse, when they had customers or when they didn't.

Flesh-eating vampire display

Music in a mall is oddly downgraded into sound. Not noise, sound. I may have been listening to songs I knew my whole life. If so, I did not recognize them. It all sounded muted and drunk.

Even though we were walking in circles, it felt like a soul-crushing downward spiral. There is not one store designed to appeal to you intellectually. NOT ONE. No book stores. No music store. There was a convenience store and we stepped in to see if they had any print at all. None. Not even a newspaper. Yeah, I know: maybe everyone has a newstand on their phone. Maybe not.

The only two stores that might have had intellectual appeal were Spencer Gifts and Brookstone. SPENCER GIFTS, people.

No newspaper for you!

After about an hour and 10 minutes, I said, "Let's go." Famished, exhausted and vanquished, we repaired to the cafe at the Mustard Seed Market for de-progamming and a bite of lunch. Relief washed over us, as if we'd been released from prison.

Now then, whether or not a person purchased a bottle of Virgin Mojito Shower Gel for $9 at the Body Shop is entirely beside the point.

You're welcome

 

*  *  *

Vampire Circus

Yesterday, the bare branches and colored leaves were shrouded in a cold gray mist as I walked. The effect was utterly captivating. I love it when daylight is eerie. Since I cannot deliver unto you the strange color of the light cast upon northeast Ohio on this eve of Halloween eve, behold one of my favorite scenes from Vampire Circus (1972):



Pay no attention to the cheesy voice over at the beginning of the clip--you MUST watch the tigerwoman dance. And is she nude/painted or is that a body stocking? I have watched this countless times and cannot tell. I swear Vampire Circus may be my favorite horror flick of all time. Yes I own it on DVD, but you can view the entire original English version online. Is that legal? Dunno.

Despite today's ubiquitous sex and violence, I contend that the opening of Vampire Circus could never be made today: Anna, a beautiful young woman frolics with a little girl (Jenny) in a sunny meadow. They laugh and romp as Anna leads Jenny into a castle and up to a bedroom where the entrancing Count Mitterhaus awaits. The little girl smiles sweetly as he loosens her hair. Anna watches on, obviously aroused as the Count bares his vampire fangs and descends upon the child. After Jenny's murder, Anna and the Count enjoy some unapologetic sex.

Except for a few cheesy gore shots, the cinematography is strange and sensuous. Add haunting calliope music, blood-dripping fangs, utterly surreal carnival scenes and loads of taboo sex and the result is one of the best efforts from Hammer Film Productions. I can't understand why Vampire Circus didn't make this list.

Please do leave your horror film suggestions in the comment section. Who knows? I might even be moved to finally ramp up and get a Netflix account.

* * *

The power of belief and a sympathetic vampire

Erin O'Brien, enlightened

Dear Readership,

Your humble hostess will be giving a talk, "The Power of Belief" at 10:30 a.m. this Sunday, May 15, at the Sheraton Cleveland Airport Hotel. The discussion is part of a weekend-long event celebrating House Kheperu, a "magickal society."

This is not my first experience with this organization. I attended the House Kheperu open house in 2007 and found it to be a singular experience more than worthy of an essay. Dig you some Sympathetic Vampire.

Until then, I am crazy busy. Hope to see some of you on Sunday.

* * *

Stayin' alive

A few years ago, I spent the weekend with a bunch of vampires and lived to write about it:

On a flawless June weekend in an unremarkable Rodeway Inn in Medina, something remarkable unfolded. House Kheperu, a "magickal society" held its annual open house. The eclectic group is composed chiefly of psychic vampires, which, unlike their sanguinary counterparts, "must actively take in human vital energy in order to maintain their mental, physical and spiritual well-being." --read on.

During the series of talks I conducted about Stephanie Meyer's popular Twilight series at area libraries last Fall (the books feature a bevy of vamps), I always opened the discussions with references to House Kheperu to demonstrate that the idea of people feeding off of other people isn't necessarily fiction. The subject of "real" vampires never failed to fascinate my audience.

For those who'd like to find out about the phenomenon for themselves, a good place to start might be the House Kheperu Open House, which will be held again this year, but with a venue change. It will be at the Cleveland Sheraton Cleveland Airport Hotel this weekend.

You'll surely get your money's worth by sitting in on sessions such as Introduction to Warding, Crystal Magick and Satanism: Fact or Fiction. You may also awake on Sunday morning feeling a bit off as you crave a large glass of V8 and a plate of eggs (as I did) and wonder if, in fact, you've got a touch of sympathetic vampirism.

If so, don't worry, it only lasts a couple of days.

* * *

A twitillating post

Twhile I twadmit that beginning twords with tw in tworder to mesh twithin the twitterverse is twirritating, I twalso have to concede that I'm digging on Twitter now that I've gotten twused twoo it.

(Relax, I'm not going to keep that up for the entire post.)

I started my Twitter account out of some invisible obligation: you must have one of these to be part of the 21st century. Now I love it. It's like a 24-hour cocktail party with an ever-changing DIY guest list. All I have to do to drop in on the fun is click my mouse and BOOM, the pleasure is all mine. I can check up on buddies, eavesdrop on a crush, listen to my fave news correspondents duking it out over politics, or laugh at one-liners courtesy of someone I know nothing about.

Twitter is more raucous and laid back than Facebook. People aren't particularly prickly about etiquette, although you have to be careful. Once you've tweeted, you've tweeted and although you can delete a tweet, it's probably already been read by the one person you wished hadn't seen it. Also, a mere 140 characters is plenty big enough for libel. Just ask Courtney Love.

I follow all sorts of people using TweetDeck as my organizer. If I've gotten your attention and you think you'd like to jump into the fray, here's a lil' twit list to get you started.

Michelle Belanger: My #1 psychic vampire** Articulate, genuine and always interesting.

Jake Tapper: ABC's White House correspondent. His willingness to show his personal side amazes me.

Phil Plait: Discovery Magazine's top astronomy blogger; plus I just dig him.

Tim Siedell: Funny, funny, funny--and smart.

This list could go on endlessly but I'll leave it at that. Finding great people to follow is part of the fun. I hope everyone will make suggestions in the comment section. In the meantime, do check out my Twitter page. I just did and all I can say is Erin O'Brien is one pixilated chick.

**I wrote about Michelle and the magickal society of House Kheperu here.

# # #

Twilight: a different perspective

To date, I have conducted 17 presentations on the Twilight series at points across northeast Ohio, mostly attended by girls in grades 6, 7, and 8.

The four Twilight series books total about 2,450 pages. That's a lot of reading--and these kids devour it all. Not only do they love the books, but they also sit transfixed for 90 minutes during my interactive discussions--that is until I pose a question. Then their hands shoot up, or they just blurt out answers. Some literally jump from their seats, unable to contain their excitement.

During my discussions, I point out literary devices such as contrast and irony, the references to Wuthering Heights and Romeo and Juliet, and the celestial allusions that steer the series. When kids "see" how the book titles work into the story, their eyes pop to O's and they gasp at the epiphany. I often have to calm a group down. The middle school set is usually a tough audience and I laud Twilight author Stephanie Meyer for energizing them so successfully about books.

*spoiler alert*

What's the secret behind that success? Just ask Walt Disney. The saga of Bella and Edward is really just an elaborate fairy tale. Bella is the clumsy new girl in town who meets and falls in love with the mysterious Edward Cullen, a clandestine vampire. Bella is the hapless damsel in distress again and again, playing perfectly against Edward's knight in shining armor. (I call him a "vampire in a shining Volvo." The kids die laughing at that.)

After much trial and tribulation, Bella and Edward marry and have a child. Edward transforms Bella into a vampire, which makes her graceful, strong, immortal and breathtakingly beautiful. Her daughter is immortal as well. I call it the "happily ever after on steroids" or "the happily FOREVER after." The vamp newlyweds even move into a cottage in the woods.

The Cullen vampires, including Bella and Edward or "Bedward," never feed on humans, opting for the less-satisfying animal blood. They talk about being tempted to feed on humans, but I never felt that temptation. Save a mishap at Bella's 18th birthday party, they never come close to sinking their teeth into a juicy jugular, nor do I believe they ever will. Hence, they aren't really vampires, but more like immortal superheroes, which is a better ideological fit for the fairy tale: these vampires aren't going to hurt any innocent humans.

Plenty of people decry this aspect of the series, but not as many are talking about the truly dark side of Twilight.

* * *

During every presentation, I stop and say, "It's time for me to put on my mom hat." Then I explain that fictional boyfriends that follow you around and never let you out of their sight are fine, but in real life that behavior is inappropriate. The kids are savvy and murmurs of "stalker" fill the room.

Next I say, very purposefully, "And at no time should physical interaction between two people end up with one of them covered in bruises." Then I take off my mom hat because these aren't my kids and that's all I really can say, but I'm going to say a little more now.

If the obsessive boyfriend antics aren't bad enough, Stephenie Meyer commits an unconscionable transgression in the fourth Twilight book, Breaking Dawn.

On their honeymoon, Edward and Bella (still human) consummate their marriage. That part is handled tastefully enough in a pan-to-the-moon sort of way. The next morning, however, Bella is bruised all over because of their physical inequity. Edward is apologetic. Bella tells him that it's nothing and is eager for more sex.

Hey, Steph? Did it occur to you that you just subliminally endorsed the standard abuse template in the most indelible way in front of every tween from New York to California?

There is no context framing the "morning after" other than the implication that when Bella is finally a vampire, the sex will be forever great and bruise-free. The painfully obsessive nature of their relationship makes this even worse. Bella's unhealthy addiction to Edward is exactly the type of situation that breeds an abused woman. The few times I tried to explain how insidious this message is, I was met with knitted brows. No surprise, this is complex and dark stuff many adults can't properly process. Hence I learned to make my comments few and clear, but I am nonetheless furious at Stephanie Meyer over this.

I remember when I smoked. I used to tell myself that plenty of people smoked their whole lives with no health problems even though I knew that was flat-out wrong. I can't help thinking some young girl, desperate to justify the behavior of an abusive boyfriend she adores, is whispering to herself: it all worked out for Bella.

* * *

The Twilight talks were wonderful and exhausting. I loved the mom-daughter teams. I even had a few boys and a smattering of solo adults. The experience gave me faith in the future as well as a renewed sense of responsibility as a writer.

It's a tragedy that some of that responsibility didn't spill onto the series' author before her work catapulted into the stratosphere.

* * *

Twilight in Northeast Ohio

I am conducting a whole slew of guided discussions for the Cuyahoga County Public Library system. Illuminating Twilight covers all four books in Stephenie Meyer's popular vampire series.

The kids have the best time with this. They simply love talking about the books and I love seeing them get pumped up about reading. Plenty of adults attend as well. Sometimes I even get mom/daughter teams, which is wonderful.

Here's the schedule:

Parma Hts. Branch, Oct. 22, 7 - 8:30 p.m.
Strongsville Branch, Oct. 26, 7 - 8:30 p.m.
Middleburgh Hts. Branch, Oct. 28, 7 - 8:30 p.m.
Bay Village Branch, Oct. 29, 7 - 8:30 p.m.
Fairview Park Branch, Oct. 31, 2 - 3:30 p.m. (boo!)
Brecksville Branch, Nov. 4, 7 - 8:30 p.m.
Maple Hts. Branch, Nov. 5, 7 - 8:30 p.m.
Mayfield Branch, Nov. 10, 3:30 - 5 p.m.
North Olmsted Branch, Nov. 16, 7 - 8:30 p.m.
Solon Branch, Nov. 17, 7 - 8:30 p.m.
Brookpark Branch, Nov. 18, 7 - 8:30 p.m.

This great mix of vampires and literature is fun and free. Contact the CCPL for more info.

* * *

Twilight in Cleveland

I am up to my armpits in vampires.

I'm reading the entire Stephenie Meyer Twilight series in preparation for a four-hour course, "Between the Lines of Twilight."

We are going to have a blast in this class. We'll talk about real life vampires and vampires in literature. We'll take apart the characters and talk talk talk about everyone's favorite vamp boyfriend, Bella, their families and all their fascinating escapades. They'll be fanfic exercises and inside tricks on how and why the series works.

The class will be offered twice at Lakeland Community College: on April 2 and 9 from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. and on May 5 and 12 from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. Click the above embedded links for registration information, maps and other details. Space is limited, so register early.

To everyone in Northeast Ohio who loves the Twilight books, please come and sink your teeth into the flesh of the series!

Rainy Day Vampire **Updated**

In my column this week, I talk about my weekend with a group of vampires.

Honest.

Here's the link. If you have something to say about it, email the Free Times. Frank Lewis is the editor. Be sure to include your full name and city.

As is so often the case, there is much more to write about on this topic and I hope to do so soon. In the meantime, know that the actual language my husband used was a bit more graphic.

erf!


**UPDATE**

Earlier today, I ran across this post, which has an embedded podcast wherein House Kheperu members discuss the event I attended. My article had already been published by the time I listened.

I experienced virtually everything Belanger describes in that podcast. The loss of appetite, the poor sleep, the weird aftermath of the weekend. All of that was on top of the things I felt during the energy work that I talked about in the column. I dismissed my other reactions as just ... well ... I just dismissed them.

Strange. Very, very strange.