Pottery by Lil' O'B

This attractive turtle's shell comes off to reveal a useful two-compartment serving dish.

Fabulous beads for fabulous jewelry!

This flying piggy was my mother's day gift. Imagine that.

An evocative wall plaque.

An important sculpture featuring deep social commentary.

A mini bottle of grape Crush, suitable for a pendant, and a itty-bitty-piggy.

A world of pure imagination

There is a place that truly rivals Wonka's famous Chocolate Room. And it's here in Cleveland. For some sweet pix and a short blog courtesy of Yours Truly, pop on over to FREEBLOG! where I'm hanging out and gorging on B-B-Bats, Mallow Cups, Swedish Fish and Pop Rocks, just to name a few.

Taking Clevelandism head on

In my column this week, I wage a battle against New York in the fight against Clevelandism.

This column is dedicated to my friend Hal Perry. Not only is Hal a native Clevelander, during my research for this article, I stumbled upon a substantial marital aid that reminded me of Hal.

Go Hal!

If you have something to say about it, email the Free Times Editor Frank Lewis. Please include your full name and city.

Recession post vol. five with special guest Dean Cochrane

My favorite quote from my friend Dean Cochrane is "I blame Bush. That motherfucker has ruined everything," which he calls an "all-purpose phase." So all you guys out there whose women are faking orgasms, go ahead and blame Bush courtesy of Dean. Same goes for all you women out there faking orgasms because your man can't get the trick: it's Bush's fault.

Now I advise you to stick with Dean through his Burgers of the World post, which is peppered with good advice and little known facts such as the connection between stomach goo and hangovers.

* * *

So, you're stuck in a recession. For the longest time you were a happy little camper, supporting the war on terror and paying interest only on your 600,000 exotic mortgage on that 2 bedroom fixer-upper in Sacramento... then it happened. While you weren't looking. A recession.

The all-purpose recession food, at least for carnivores, is hamburger. Ground cow. Lips n' assholes, as my old college roomie used to say. As long as you cook the shit (literally) out of it, you're safe.

You can make almost anything with hamburger, but the primary use, of course, is hamburgers.

Dean Cochrane's Burgers of the World

Ingredients

1 lb ground chuck

One egg

Some breadlike substance: basically a starch to soak up fat and bind with the egg. Crackers, stale bread work. Pita bread doesn't. The amount varies depending on the other stuff you've got in there. I just add starch until the meat mixture forms a ball that is nice and firm and can be rolled without sticking to your fingers in little peaks.

One small onion, chopped fine

One or two cloves of garlic - optional, chopped fine

Salt and pepper to taste

Hamburger buns: if we weren't in a recession, you could buy Kaiser rolls or Ciabatta buns and invite your friends over. But we are, so buy the cheapass no-name buns and keep them to yourself.

Procedure and More Ingredients

Throw everything but the bread crumbs (cracker crumbs, whatever) into a bowl and squish it all together with your hands. Once it's a smooth mixture, start adding breadcrumbs and mashing the meat mixture with your fingers until it reaches the right consistency. As I said above, this is when the meat doesn't stick to your fingers in little peaks, but before it cracks when you squish it down flat into a patty.

Recession cooking is all about creativity. When all you can afford is hamburger (and when you're buying regular fatty lips n' assholes instead of lean or extra lean, which are probably more asshole than lip) you have to resort to dressing it up. A lot. That means being creative, and that in turn means making use of what you've got.

And so, to this, you could add:

… 3-4 tablespoons of red taco sauce, or the package of leftover burrito seasoning mix from 2005 when things were good. This will give you Recession TexMex Burgers. Serve them with the half-jar of salsa from the back of the fridge* and a bag of those cheap Restaurant-Style! tortilla chips for a meal that will remind you that, recession or no, you're still better off than 95 percent of those who live south of the border.

*Note: when Recession Fridge-mining, DO NOT look at the expiry dates. It will only make you worry, and who needs more worry during a recession? Those dates are only suggestions anyway.

--OR--

… 10-12 drops of habanero pepper sauce. If you're hung over and eating hamburgers for breakfast because you're one of those people who cure hangovers with a healthy dose of protein, make it a 1/2 teaspoon. This makes either Nicely Spicy Recession Burgers or Holy Fuck It's a Depression Burgers. I have a theory about booze and hangovers: the booze mixes with the goop that lines your stomach and intestines (have you ever seen stomach? It's lined with goop) and makes an irritating intestinal-booze-jelly that sticks to your insides. Really hot stuff makes all that goop just move on through, if you know what I mean, and the best damn cure for a hangover is some really hot food and about a quart of ice-water. And an aspirin.

--OR--

… Dig around the back of the spice cabinet and find that jar of curry powder that you bought at the supermarket back when the US dollar was the currency everybody lived for. Open it up... it's almost full, of course. Nobody ever empties one of those jars, because the only people who buy this shit are people who don't know Indian cooking, and so they read a recipe that calls for curry powder, they buy a jar, use 1/2 tsp (for Aunt Marg's Curried Potato Salad, which nobody eats), and then never touch it again.

So I know for sure that you've got a jar like that. Find it, (it's probably back beside the sweet paprika) and put a solid teaspoon in.

Make yourself some Bombay Burgers. If the TexMex burgers above didn't do the trick, these should remind you that, even if you're the second-poorest goddamn person in the United States, you've probably got more money in pocket change than the average Calcutta streetwalker will see in a year.

--OR--

… Look way in the back of your cupboard until you find the box of Lipton's powdered Onion Soup mix. Nobody ever makes Onion soup with this stuff, because it's vile. Take that and mix it into the hamburger meat mix to give you I Don't Know What Nationality These Are Burgers. If you do this, omit the fresh onion, because that would be too much onion, and thus a waste of onion and not a Recession Burger at all.

Once you've made the meat mix, roll it into balls and flatten it. Flatten it out thinner than you think is reasonable, because the meat tries to reform a ball as it cooks. Don't ask me why this is: perhaps it is because they're Recession Burgers, and they're hunkering down for a storm--just like you should be.

Make sure you cook them long enough. They need to be at least light grey all the way through, no pink. Actually, it's better if you check them with a thermometer. They need to be at least 160 inside. It's the assholes, see. You have to make sure you kill all the Escherichia coli, also called E. coli. They're called 'coli' because they live in the lower intestines of warm-blooded mammals. They're fine as long as they stay there, and there's only a problem if they get into the UPPER digestive tracts of mammals. For some people, it can be a big problem, up to and involving death. You really don't want to complicate a recession with death. You'll just have to trust me on that one.

That's one thing you don't want to do with Recession Hamburger: undercook it.

Another thing you never want to do with Recession Hamburger is succumb to the lure of Hamburger Helper. Hamburger Helper is like Hamburger Lucifer, all shiny and beautiful and in-the-box fabulous. But Hamburger Lucifer is like the real life Lucifer (who is, of course, imaginary, just like that cute little glove that Helps the Harried Housewife serve her family a nutritious and delicious meal) and it lures you in with backrubs and sweet promises. But it does not deliver, oh, no, on those promises. Instead, there is only culinary damnation, breastbeating, and woe.

Do not heed the siren call of Hamburger Helper. It shouldn't be called Hamburger Helper. It should be called Hamburger Harmer. Hamburger Destroyer. Within that cheerful box lies soul-searing corruption.

One final note: Recession Burgers can be consumed with beer, or with stronger waters. Pretty much any beer will do, but cheap is better. As an added plus, crappy beer (think Pabst or Miller or Hamm's) will make Recession Burgers taste that much better by comparison.

For maximum Recession-fighting, though, I recommend drinking whiskey. Cheap rye works well, as does cheap bourbon. You don't even need to bother with glasses: that stuff is 40% alcohol. It's self-sterilizing. Just pass the bottle (and buy it in those big 40 lbers to save money). By the time you've eaten 2 burgers and worked your way through the top half of the jug, you won't give a shit about what the Federal Reserve is doing.

* * *

I came into this in search of hamburgers, which I surely got, but I won't be able to bring them to fruition until I overcome the images of a vicious machete-wielding Hamburger Helper glove and tiny lips and assholes floating in my burger--worth the price of admission alone.

Thanks Dean!

WOMAN THOU ART GOD!

Nothing in today's post is remotely safe for work. In fact, everything here is unsafe. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Since the Guru Rasa Von Werder's YouTube I posted last week got so much attention, I thought I'd do a linky-dink post about her.

Her humble beginnings? "I strip for God" Kellie Everts. Thanks to Philbilly for that info.

Scroll through this page to enjoy a photo of Ms. Evert's "curly gates."

Of course, that's all behind her. Today, Ms. Everts is the Guru Rasa Von Werder.

And no Rasa Von Werder link list would be complete without mention of her idol David Icke. "Icke" is pronounced with a long "i" as in "like." Not "ick" as in "dick."

People, you can't make this stuff up.

And now for one last video. WOMAN THOU ART GOD!

On the set

Tomorrow, I'll be at the Lit for a free screening of Leaving Las Vegas. The movie starts at 7 p.m. and I'll lead an informal talk afterwards. The event is free and open to the public.

Mom, Dad, Lisa (John's wife of 13 years), Eric (AKA the Goat), and I visited the film set on October 7, 1994. For a companion post to tomorrow's festivities, Here are a handful of photos from that day.


The set of Sera's apartment. Elisabeth Shue is far right.


Left to right: director Mike Figgis, me and Eric.


Nicolas Cage center. That's my mom on the right.


Mike Figgis directing. Lisa, Eric and Mom in the background


The production was very low budget. All the signs on the LLV Burbank studio were just like this one. Look at what a dork I was!


Director's chairs for Shue and Cage.

* * *

The only person missing that day was John, but only in the physical sense. Although I am not a Shirley-Maclaine-metaphysics-floatie-
ether-type person, I honestly felt John's presence all around us that day. I guess the best way to include him here is with a photo. So here is a pic of John and me in what John called "The Obligatory Big Phone Picture" that was taken by Lisa in the Universal Studios theme park in summer of 1986.

Wish you were here, John.

Guru Rasa Von Werder

Doing the hustle on Hessler and podcast

The Hessler Street Fair in Cleveland is one of my favorite events. It started in the 60s as a home-grown street party. There's tons of kitsch and food and people watching and music.

Hessler is a very cool neighborhood adjacent to Case Western Reserve University that rocks my face off. One of things that make it special is that part of it contains the only remaining wood pavers in the city. Here's a glimpse of the action last weekend and if you're hungry for more, hop on over to FREEBLOG!

Oh yeah, if you missed my radio spot yesterday, get the podcast here.

That's so pants.

Backyard Hessler style.

Old brownstones and I love it.

Need tie-dye for sure.

Cucumber sandwiches and potato chips in the basket. Yum!

Take a load off okay.

Knit me a bowl too, please!

Around Noon Tuesday

I will be a guest on the Cleveland NPR radio show Around Noon tomorrow during the noon hour. I am looking forward to speaking with award winning host Dee Perry, who is always evocative, articulate and charming.

We'll be talking about my My brother John's work as well as the May 24 screening of Leaving Las Vegas at the Lit, which is free and open to the public.

I will post the resulting podcast. Thanks to all who listen!

Recession post vol. four: the three-point shower

1. Activate shower, adjusting water to a moderate temperature.

2. Using a dependable bar of deodorant soap, vigorously lather the three areas indicated in the above graphic, contorting body/limbs as needed.

3. Rinse.

4. De-activate shower.

5. Dry.

Estimated time: Two minutes. Add face splashing/foot washing as needed. An excellent preparation for "quickie" conjugal visitations.

An amazing new development in housewifery

Rainy Day Moll **UPDATED**

As promised in my column this week, I take on some Cleveland Goodfellas.

Send comments or letters to the Free Times Editor Frank Lewis. Please include your full name and city.





**UPDATE**

A couple of days ago, I posted about the site of the Casablanca Restaurant, which is one of the places featured in the "Goodfellas" article. I also talk about the Marius Restaurant, which was housed in the Lake Shore Hotel. It's now called Lake Shore Towers and although it's no longer quite the grand lady it once was, it's still one of the most incredible examples of Art Deco architecture you'll find anywhere. For more images and info about the building hop on over to FREEBLOG!

I couldn't get a good photo of the wonderful gargoyles on the top of the Lake Shore, but this is some of the stonework on the front of the building:

Cavoli's Sports Bar and Trophy Room

This Wednesday, my column will feature some real Cleveland Goodfellas from the late 1970s and early 1980s. They used to come into Casablanca Restaurant where I worked any number of jobs when I was on summer break from college.

While I was researching the article, I ran into this image of the tiny bar that was in the basement of the Casablanca.


Seeing that picture was like opening the gates of my mind to a bevy of ghosts. The basement was creepy and old--and big--the little bar shown here only filled a portion of it. It was not well lit. Much of it housed hulking restaurant equipment and furniture.

I hated going down there. But the ice machine was in a dank corner, so I had to go down there a lot. I'd get the ice and high-tail it back upstairs.

When I worked there, the basement barroom looked much as it does in the photo, but it was rarely open. In its heyday, it was called the Sports Bar and Trophy Room. That's when the restaurant was still Cavoli's--a well-known place on Cleveland's west side.



Cavoli's evolved through the years and changed owners and names. I'm pretty sure additional characters were painted on the walls of the Sports Bar in an attempt to keep up with the times. But the little joint could apparently hold on for only so long. By the time I worked there, the downstairs club was all but defunct.

Stop back tomorrow for a link to the article that will unleash some of my dusty old Cleveland ghosts unto you. There will be other cool links as well. In the meantime, here's a scene from Goodfellas that sends chills through me. It reminds me of that basement bar. It reminds me of the real Goodfellas.




Photos courtesy of the Cleveland Memory Project.

Recession post vol. three with special guest Velvet Fog

I can't remember when the Velvet Fog first descended upon my blog, but ever since he has never ceased to fascinate me. He's a dad, a mondo-extreme cyclist and a wine connoisseur. His "song of the day" is always a jewel. On top of all that, the Fog pulls surprises out of his hat at every turn. For instance, this silly post earned me an email from him with the following information about the arrowhead that I was wearing in the associated photo. He called it a "point."

Your point, being that I think it is side-notched now seems likely to be a Raddatz point, which is found widely throughout the Midwest.

Raddatz points are medium sized, side notched points with triangular to almost parallel sided blades. Notches are moderate in size and tend to be U-shaped. Stems are as wide as the shoulders,which means it is the same size above and below the notch. Raddatz points are common during the Late Archaic period dating to around 3,000 to 1,000 B.C.

Hence, I learned early on that the Fog was much more than a vino-savvy cyclist. Now here are three bank-busting recession wine recommendations straight from a guy who not only admits to watching "The Biggest Loser," he also blogs about it.



Three Velvet Vinos

Two Vines Chardonnay from Columbia Crest, $4.99

This wine from Washington State should be widely available, and only $4.99 a bottle. Usually reserved for In-laws, this is a cheap wine that if tasted blind would certainly fool you. Very light, with a crsip clean finish.

From winemaker Ray Einberger: “The Two Vines Chardonnay offers fruit-forward apple and pear aromas with a hint of lemon citrus leading into a balanced crispness and creaminess on the palate and a lingering, lushly fruity finish. This Chardonnay, crafted in a lighter style designed for immediate enjoyment, perfectly captures the varietal intensity indicative of Columbia Valley wines.”

Blackwing Shiraz from Step Rd. Winery , $6.99

This is one of my favorite wines in any price range. Lots of fruit that explodes all over your mouth, with one of the longest finishes I’ve ever experienced. Be warned, you’ll drink the whole bottle.

From the winemaker: "Smells like cassis, blackcurrant, mocha & coconut. Tastes like a full, rich lush palate with cassis, blackcurrant flavors and a complex tannic finish."

Cycles Gladiator Cabernet Sauvignon, $9.99

Cabernet Sauvignon can fetch insane prices. This is a Cab that can not only stand up to a meal but the 2005 vintage was the #11 rated wine of the year by Wine Enthusiast magazine. Plus, naked women on bicycles? Talk about a no-brainer.

From the winemaker: "Our 2006 Cycles-Gladiator Cabernet Sauvignon has lovely aromas of raspberry, mint, and mocha. Flavors of dark fruits layered on more dark fruits wrapped in a cloak of dusty tannins. Lush and mouthfilling from start to finish, there is enough acid to support the whole structure but doesn’t finish sharp. The wine drops off at just the right place. I am declaring this the “Official Wine of Filet Mignon™”. It will also go great with BBQ short ribs, and with bigger, spicy, tomato-based pasta and meat dishes."

* * *

Naked women? Fruit exploding all over my mouth? Meat dishes? Good Christ, I need a powder just reading this!

Thanks, Fog. I can't wait to try all of them.

Give me the shaft

There are any number of reasons to love "Shaft," the Oscar-winning theme song for the 1971 blaxploitation movie of the same name.

1. There's the lyrics:

Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?

2. There's the jump suit Isaac Hayes is wearing in this full-length slo-mo performance of the song:



3. There's the fact that "Shaft" has been covered by a ukulele ocrchestra.

... And now for a glimpse into the incredible Eriness of Being ...

4. Listening to "Shaft" the other day, it ocurred to me that today's pop music has all but lost the instrumentals that gave "Shaft" it's energy. You can't get that visceral animal thrust from a goddamn canned electronic loop. And that, dear readers, is how I came up with the idea for this FREEBLOG entry.

5. Happy Friday.

Recession post vol. two with special guest Al the Retired Army Guy

I first met Al when I was a junior at Ohio University. My buddy Sean and I went to a party at Ohio State hosted by Al and his roommates.

Sean and I headed north on State Route 33. I didn't know the Ohio State guys, so I grilled Sean about them all the way there.
"Al's been my friend for years. You'll love him," said Sean. "He's ROTC. All these guys are ROTC."

"All ROTC? " I said. "Scary. There'll probably be a can of Cruex in the bathroom."

That was more than twenty years ago. Since then, Al's been all over the earth serving in the Army. I won't say anything else about it because I don't want George W. Bush coming over here and clopping me over the head for talking about important military stuff in the crazy blogosphere. Suffice it to say that if our military was involved in it over the last 20 years, Al was probably there. I was sure glad to hear from him late last year and learn he was safe and that his active duty was over.

The cool thing about Al is that he's not only a tough Army guy, he's also a sophisticated chef. And now that his military days are behind him, he's going to culinary school in order to teach others how to be great chefs.

Here is a recession-buster recipe courtesy of Al. I imagine he'll be lurking around the comment section if anyone has questions about this recipe or other stuff.

As for the party all those years ago. I don't remember all the details. I remember a great deal of eating and drinking. I remember thinking Al was swell. And oh yeah, there was a can of Cruex in the bathroom.

Al The Retired Army Guy's Hobo Potatoes

Hardware:

Sheet Pans (One if doing in an oven)

Mandoline (to slice onions; if not, a good chef’s knife will do; if in a recession, use a pocket knife or whatever knife you have on hand)


Heavy-duty aluminum foil

Chef’s knife (or or whatever knife you have) to dice ham

Tongs (in a recession, a fork or even some really good sticks will do to enable to move the packets around; it will be hot picking these things up by hand, trust me)

Instant read thermometer (just to be safe! If in a recession, well, you probably can’t afford one – go by smell, touch, and sight)

Software:

3-5 medium-large Yukon Gold or Red Bliss potatoes

1-2 medium red onions

Casino butter, vinaigrette, oil and vinegar, or other liquid (store bought salad dressing is OK, but I don’t recommend it as it is more expensive). Since we’re in a recession, any liquid will do, but it will impact the final product. Beer is an option as is any type of wine, or water. Stock is fine as well, or bouillon cubes diluted in lots of water (I mean lots of water; bouillon cubes themselves are like a salt lick as you probably already know)

3-4 ham slices or diced ham (2-3 ounces or so, more if you like ham. If you can get it pre-diced, that would be good)

Salt (preferably kosher; if you’re in a recession, anything you can salvage from a fast food joint or other emporium will do, though the taste won’t be as good)

Freshly ground pepper (if possible; if not, one use what you can salvage from said fast food place)

Method:

Slice potatoes using either mandoline or chef’s knife about ¼” to ½” thick. If you’re in a recession, use a pocket knife. Set aside.

Slice onions ¼” thick using mandoline or chef’s knife (or pocket knife). Set aside.

Dice ham if necessary; if using slices, stack and slice into ¼” square pieces. Conversely, you can buy this at a store already done. If you’re in a recession, along with the government cheese* you can get some pre-diced government ham. (I’ve had it in the military, a scary thing indeed!) This being said, ham is entirely optional (it's included for flavor), or if you can get some canned stuff, you can use that.

Take sheets of aluminum foil (amount of foil will vary based on size of potatoes and other ingredients, but it should be large enough so you can close up foil into a “packet” when filled with ingredients), and place potatoes, vinaigrette/butter/liquid on them (use about 2 Tbsp liquid/vinaigrette/butter per packet). Add ham (sprinkle it on, a heaping spoonful) and onions (a few slices, it’s up to you). Season to taste with salt and pepper, then close packet by crimping foil. Place either on a grill (over medium high heat), an open fire (on coals, but watch so ingredients don’t burn – it will cook much faster this way. You could always put the packets on the rim of the fire, so it won’t cook as fast allowing greater control over the finished product), or in an oven on a sheet pan (at 400 degrees F). Cook until potatoes are tender, about 15 minutes or so (it may take less or more time depending on the cooking medium).

To serve, open packet. Take in smell. Use fork. Eat. Enjoy.

*Government cheese is an option, but that stuff is downright nasty. Better you than me.

Thanks Al. Can't wait to try it. I'm going to go pilfer packets of salt and pepper from Arby's right now. Bet these spuds will go great with a Stroh's or PBR. I've even got some Velveeta and Spam on hand if I need to come up with something in a pinch.

Spring phone cam round-up

Sorry, buddy, but half the tree's gone. The half that's left is trying real hard, though.

Welcome to BraLand! It's a wonderland of bras!

There's a good beer store. Don't forget the Doritos.

Loosen up a little bit, wontcha buddy?

Hey! My Goat's not drunk! He ain't a little cheese either!

And one more Goat, sent from a mysterious admirer on the West Coast! Freak me out!

Recession post vol. one

Since the dollar has shrunk to a size that is way smaller than either of my nipples, I figured a few recession-themed posts were in order. To kick off this econo-fest, here is a graphic depicting some of the "choices" we've made here at Casa Goat D'OBrien in order stretch the ol' greenback a little further.

Some additional notes, suggestions and miscellany:

1. Shit-can that ritzy-titsy $8 vibrating 5-blade Soleil Venus whatever and get a 12-pack of disposable Lady Bic single-blade cheapos. Use Suave conditioner instead of that expensive melon-scented lady shave cream gel. It's fine.

2. How many of you keep your eyes closed during sex? Unrelated, I know, but I'm just curious.

3. Enough with the $5 CappuFreenoMochasspresso. But a goddamn can of Folgers and brew it yourself.

4. "Bloopy" should be a word.

5. DO NOT buy crappy sheets. If you can't afford the regular 300-count brushed pima cotton, go to TJMaxx and buy seconds. Doesn't matter if they don't have your color (particularly if you answered "all the time" to # 2), just so they feel wonderful next to the skin.

6. I love this. The chickie on the hay bale slays me.

More to come, including a special guest post from Al the Retired Army Guy. Now I'm off to Kohl's. My favorite brand of undies finally went on sale.

Love machine

This important footage is a companion piece to an essay I wrote for Ed Champion on David Levy's book Love and Sex with Robots.

A popular clitoris

This image routes tons of traffic to my pages. I originally linked it in this mediocre post that I don't like very much and might have taken down if it didn't garner so many hits. I should probably edit it and kick it up a bit for those who do follow the clitoris over there, but I just haven't gotten around to that. That said, the comments on that post are top notch, so if you do hop over there, skim the entry and read through the banter, particularly the very last anonymous entry, which will wipe the smile from your face and give you pause.

But this post isn't about any of that, it's about why the popularity of that image is a Good Sign for the Human Race. I think everyone can agree that the graphic is a lot more educational than erotic. And although I've not been able to completely untangle the Google web that leads so many clitoris-curious Internetonians to my blog, I've learned that the graphic appears in some Google image search with a reference link to the Erin O'Brien Owner's Manual for Human Beings.

So lots of people are following an educational diagram of the clitoris to an owner's manual. Clearly, they want to learn how to work the thing, identify it, understand it, demystify it, or maybe befriend it. Whatever the impetus, isn't this good news for clitorides* everywhere? And who doesn't learn something when they first view that image? I had no idea the thing was so complex. It certainly sheds light on why a self-induced climax courtesy of slim fingers is paltry compared to a gorgeous exploding coital orgasm, wherein the little crus clitoris and corpus cavernosum have something yummy to hug! Who knew?

Go clitoris!

Undoubtedly, reposting the image will bring even more traffic here. Perhaps I'm doing a disservice to the title of this blog, but I'm afraid I'm not going to give any instructions on how to happily manipulate a clitoris. I'm pretty sure they're all different and have their own special needs. It is sort of tricky and what works one time may not work the next time, but don't get discouraged.

The only advice I have is practice, experiment and don't be afraid to ask plenty of questions! You'll know when you're doing it right. Have faith, you'll get the hang of it. And if you really have no idea what to do, a nice gentle kiss is probably a pretty safe start. What better way to say hello?

*Make sure you check the pronunciation of the clitorides on that link. Believe it or not, it's even more fun than the singular pronunciation.