Monday, May 31, 2010

On this Memorial Day

Posted yesterday in the comment section of this post:

Tomorrow is Memorial Day.

Most Americans will grill out, and countless cattle and hogs will have given their lives to make most of us happy in our backyards, not to mention tomatoes, sugar, mustard seed, vinegar ...

Erin talks about 10 things we can do to ameliorate the leak in the Gulf. For the most part, she's on target.

But today, I'm not thinking about that terrible tragedy, and it is a tragedy for our nation.

I'm thinking about Arden Bradley Cooper and Ronald Milton Randazzo.

I watched them die 100 yards away from me well over 18 years ago. I can still see it in my head.

I remember Cooper's mother coming to Fort Hood, six months after that day, and accepting the Silver Star on his behalf, knowing that nothing any of us could do would make up for her loss.

And I'm thinking, why am I here, and why isn't he here?

Tomorrow, I will make real BBQ ribs for my wife, along with some local grilled crookneck squash, zucchini, out of season corn (bought by her, not me!), and some local potatoes. It will be, for most folks, a three/four day weekend.

But for me, it's the day I remember my friends who died 100 yards away from me, in full sight. It's the vision that I wish would go away but won't. And I think that's how it should be, lest we forget the sacrifices of folks like Arden Bradley Cooper and Ronald Milton Randazzo.


--Al the Retired Army Guy


Thank you Al, in every sense of the word.

* * *

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Ten things you CAN do

Go ahead and get mad and protest BP if makes you feel better, but if you really want to make a difference, here's a few suggestions:

1. Take the bus.

2. Carpool.

3. Walk.

4. Ride your bike.

5. Reread numbers one through four. And then read this, because baby, you and me is a-pollutin' a-plenty every time we step on the gas.

6. Use a canteen (because you can't blame BP for this.)

7. Watch this (particularly starting around the 2:55 mark):



8. Turn off the air conditioning (I mean COME ON. What are you? A candy-ass?)

9. Use those piggy-tail light bulbs.

10. You get the idea: Conserve, conserve, conserve. Conserve like you mean it.

And one more thing ... pray for the Gulf.

* * *

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Push it real good

Had dinner out with a group of friends not long ago. As we ambled out of the Grovewood Tavern, drowsy with wine and full up with potstickers, crab cakes and caramel pecan cake, one of the guys noticed a man pushing a car up a nearby drive.

The male members of our group sprang into action like spontaneous erections. Overfed gourmands no more, these he-men were street legal and ready to rumble. They engulfed the car and rolled it up the drive in a flash.

Guys really like pushing cars.

Courtesy of the damnable reliability of today's internal combustion engines, however, they don't get to do it much anymore. As the rare sightings of two guys muscling a Chevy into the corner Shell station dwindle, the male population's fondness for this rudimentary act only deepens.

The more perilous the vehicular situation, the more seductive it is. If a guy sees two guys pushing a car, he goes over to help. If just one guy is trying to push and steer from the vee formed by car and driver's side door, the other guy runs over to help. And an elderly madam unsuccessfully cranking her engine in the middle of a busy intersection ironically becomes more irresistible than a Sports Illustrated "Swimsuit Edition" still in the plastic sleeve.

Deconstruction of this phenomenon is blissfully simple. Pushing a car is a straightforward activity with visible results: you push, the car moves. Guys understand that. There are no hidden complications in the neat box of Guys Pushing Car. It's satisfying and universal, like shaving, or buying Cruex, or tying a tie. Plus it's something guys can do together. Pushing a car bestows guys with a sense of guy community.

Guys enjoy the verbalization evoked by pushing a car.

"You need to cut it left. Left! Okay, now straighten it out. Straighten! STRAIGHTEN!!"

Guys also used to be able to make cartalk (an approved guy-on-guy nonsexual flirting exchange) while pushing a car, which would not be shouted, but spoken in a conversational tone, thereby implying that the associated guys are enjoying a certain control over the car-pushing endeavor.

"So whaddya got in here? A V8?"

No one (save that Sunday afternoon car show contingent of old guys with pot bellies, pompadours, and cigarette packs rolled in the sleeve of their pocket-tees) talks about a V8 anymore unless they're ordering a Bloody Mary. The advent of the computerized compact car took cartalk away from guys. Even if someone's Nissan Sentra runs out of gas and requires a push, what are the car pushing guys of today supposed to say?

"This baby got a helical limited-slip differential?"

No one wants to hear car-pushing guys talking about limited-slip differentials. It's downright emasculating. The removal of cartalk from the proceedings, however, has only elevated the revered act of pushing.

If a car needed pushing, I'd be the first in line. But if there were a bunch of guys standing around? No way. Those guys can come over and push the goddamn car. I'd be the Steering Chick.

The Steering Chick is sort of like the Band Chick with the tambourine and go-go boots, except the Steering Chick doesn't have a tambourine or go-go boots, she's just steering. I am excellent Steering Chick material.

I'd comply as they directed me to cut it left and straighten. After they pushed my car out of the ditch, I'd humbly say, "Aw Christ, you guys can't know how much I appreciate that." The car-pushing guys would like me. They'd think I was a good Steering Chick; and we'd all bask in the unspoken and intimate portion of the experience.

Another more nuanced reason guys like pushing a car is that it's hard at first, then it gets easy. Car-pushing guys believe this is a secret trick.

Hey guys? We all know that pushing the car is easy once you get it going.

That corollary does not apply to pushing a car up a hill or out of a mud pit. Such complications represent the zenith of the car-pushing craft; and they impart a stoic solidarity to the associated guys.

After guys complete a challenging car push, they review the event by leaning against the just-pushed car, cans of Genny Cream Ale perched on the swells of their bellies. They say things like, "Almost didn't make it over that second ridge," or "Holy shit, that mud over by the barn just about sucked my boot right off." The group responds by snorting, shaking their heads, and kicking at stones. Then they crush their beer cans and say their goodbyes, fulfilled in a way no amount of fellatio can achieve.

There is the unfortunate instance when the car pushing does not succeed. When the orgiastic moment of car gliding out of peril does not come. No bonding moment, no crushed beer cans, no flirty grins from the Steering Chick. Despite their every effort, there are times when all the car-pushing guys have is a car obstinately stuck in the mud.

That's when you get out the towrope.

* * *

Friday, May 21, 2010

"We're talking about how people communicate."

My brother John would have turned 50 today. He is on my mind of late for reasons I'll keep to myself, but I want to celebrate him nonetheless.

The following is an excerpt from John's last novel The Assault on Tony's, which features five men--wealthy drunks--who barricade themselves in a posh bar as riots rage outside. There is one woman in the book, Jill the barmaid.

Tony's is mostly an emotional landmine for me, but not in this passage. Herein I find only glee. When I read it, I can believe that some things never die. Then of course, it comes to an end. The last shot sluices from the bottle and all I'm left with is an empty glass, a papery grave and my fading memories. Yeah, yeah.

Until then, enjoy this: my favorite pour from John's final effort.

* * *

Day5

“I’m talking about those moments when it becomes clear that a certain new aspect—bad or good—of our life has been accepted by the world at large.” Rudd waxed philosophical over his brandy, his eyes full of arousal, thoughts of his life and what made him good. “I’m talking about the moment of cultural assimilation.”

Jill, seated across from him in the booth, watched as he topped off their glasses. Though she’d hardly touched hers, she was trying to keep a pace of sorts. She wanted to be interested in what he was saying, if for no other reason than to fill the oppressive voids spent watching them all passed out. “I think I know what you’re saying,” she said.

He nodded, anxious to be in receipt of this, her volley. “Let me give you two examples,” he said, mellow yet almost out of breath.

Langston dozed on the benches near the front, a fixture now. He dreamed of small girls, men's daughters.

Osmond, Fenton, and Miles were engaged in conversation at the bar. The latter two kept glancing at Jill and Rudd.

Rudd wore that look on his face, like: bear with me, you’ll get it. “I needed a bandanna—I know, I know: it was for a party, I was going to a Sixties party—so I went into one of those kid’s stores—skates and records, stuff like that—and they had them. The woman asked me what color I wanted, and she held out a red one. She looked at me, presumably waiting to see if I wanted red.” He paused to make sure this had all sunk in, that the significance of a red bandanna was not lost on Jill.

“I don’t think I could see you in a red bandanna,” said Jill. No help.

“Well obviously,” Rudd continued, straightforward, best plan, “that’s why I said to her ‘Jeeze, not red! I wear that and I’ll get shot.’ ‘Does that still happen,’ she said, laughing. And that was it. It was significant because it was such a casual joke. The idea of being shot for wearing the wrong color scarf had become nothing more than a joke. No more: oh yeah, isn’t that awful, or: oh, I know what you mean. It had fulfilled its destiny. It had to become a joke because there was simply no other way to deal with it, no other way to challenge its power.”

Jill was nodding, she was close. “I’m with you,” she said. She was tipsy, thank God.

“Right, right,” said Rudd. He choked down a gulp of brandy. “Nother example, this time a good one. Walking down the street on a sunny Sunday afternoon, just me out for a walk. Semi-residential neighborhood, a few liquor stores and banks, maybe a grocery store...” He paused, momentarily lost. Too much detail, he thought. But that’s the best way, right? Rudd sipped his brandy. “I’m walking, and this car pulled up—a BMW I think, one of those kids’ ones, 320 something. In fact it was full of kids, young women, I should say. The driver, about twenty-five, attractive blonde, leaned over her friend and said to me, ‘Do you know if there’s a Plus machine nearby?’. Not an ATM, she didn’t ask for an ATM. She asked for a Plus machine! She asked a total stranger for a Plus machine, and the best part is: I knew exactly what she meant and where one was. I told her, and she thanked me and drove off. Beautiful, I thought. ATMs are now assimilated, so much so that we need to be more specific when discussing them—”

He was interrupted by Miles, who brazenly wedged his way into their conversation, into the booth and next to Jill. “What are we talking about?” he wanted to know.

Ignoring him, or at least resolved to attempt so, Rudd concluded directly to Jill, “Like the colored bandannas, the Plus machines are now a piece of history. We don’t have to ask about them anymore, it’s not a question. It’s a—”

“What’s a plus machine?” asked Miles of Jill.

She looked to Rudd. She had been nodding too vigorously and now she needed him to answer quick.

“Do you mind, Miles?” challenged Rudd, turning on the man.

She felt she had to jump in with something. “We were talking about how people communicate,” she said.

“Thank you, Jill,” said Rudd, looking at Miles as if declared the victor by the ranking authority. He turned to Jill. “—fact,” he said. “Knowledge. It’s knowledge.”

“Eggheads,” said Miles dismissively, before passing out on the table.

Rudd assessed the situation. “You’re trapped,” he said.

* * *

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Stayin' alive

A few years ago, I spent the weekend with a bunch of vampires and lived to write about it:

On a flawless June weekend in an unremarkable Rodeway Inn in Medina, something remarkable unfolded. House Kheperu, a "magickal society" held its annual open house. The eclectic group is composed chiefly of psychic vampires, which, unlike their sanguinary counterparts, "must actively take in human vital energy in order to maintain their mental, physical and spiritual well-being." --read on.

During the series of talks I conducted about Stephanie Meyer's popular Twilight series at area libraries last Fall (the books feature a bevy of vamps), I always opened the discussions with references to House Kheperu to demonstrate that the idea of people feeding off of other people isn't necessarily fiction. The subject of "real" vampires never failed to fascinate my audience.

For those who'd like to find out about the phenomenon for themselves, a good place to start might be the House Kheperu Open House, which will be held again this year, but with a venue change. It will be at the Cleveland Sheraton Cleveland Airport Hotel this weekend.

You'll surely get your money's worth by sitting in on sessions such as Introduction to Warding, Crystal Magick and Satanism: Fact or Fiction. You may also awake on Sunday morning feeling a bit off as you crave a large glass of V8 and a plate of eggs (as I did) and wonder if, in fact, you've got a touch of sympathetic vampirism.

If so, don't worry, it only lasts a couple of days.

* * *

Monday, May 17, 2010

Under pressure

Because of my longtime involvement with the oil industry, I have profoundly conflicting emotions about this God-awful situation down in the Gulf Coast, but I keep marveling over one thing: the pressure.

Think of diving to the bottom of a swimming pool. You feel the pressure and weight of the water above you. BP's leaking pipe is under 5000 feet of water. The ocean floor is a mystery for a reason. A human body would be instantaneously crushed at that depth, which is one reason the BP leak is so difficult--you can't send in a crew to fix it.

Now think of the oil. That oil and gas plume isn't just trickling out against that massive pressure, it's blasting like a fire hydrant.



What sort of pressure was the oil and gas under if it can overcome the force of 5000 feet of sea water?

Holy shit.

Then I think of just how angry that oily primordial ooze was before we went and starting poking it. This was an exploratory well. We sure did find something. First comes a murderous blast of methane to blow the shit out of everything, then the endless spewing fury that is more powerful than the weight of an entire ocean.

HOLY SHIT.

I understand the power and danger of oil and gas, which is one reason why I'm so maniacal about conserving them. You have to respect this stuff. It's angry. It has a temper. Sure, we control it most of the time, but when we fail, watch out. Mother Earth is boss and at the end of the day, she'll get our respect even if she has to force it out of us.

* * *

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The gently used piece of tinfoil


Behold the gently used piece of tinfoil.

"Gently used" refers to bits of tinfoil (and yes, while at a party last weekend, I was looking for a bit of tinfoil to cover a piece of cake to take home to the Goat and, when I inquired, "do you have a piece of tinfoil?"I was met with the guffaws of at least one guest who informed me that tinfoil hadn't been made from tin in decades, to which I responded that I knew tinfoil is actually aluminum foil, but I call it tinfoil anyway and then I went on to search the drawer next to the icebox before retrieving my pocketbook, which was on the davenport, and setting out for home) that are used, but not used to capacity. Most people would simply throw such an item away, but I do not allow a gently used piece of tinfoil to go gentle into that goodnight.

The tinfoil pictured herein was initially used to cover a rectangular container onto which a grater fits. Having used the grater to grate cheddar cheese (for addition to mashed potatoes), and having intentionally grated extra (for my daughter to sprinkle on top of her cheddar mashed potatoes despite the cheese already in the potato dish), but having grated even more than she prefers, some grated cheddar remained in the container, which I duly covered with a piece of tinfoil.

Since the container is fairly deep, the tinfoil did not contact the leftover cheese. Hence, when I removed it to use the cheese in the composition of a grilled ham and cheddar sandwich a day or two later, I examined the foil, deemed it reusable, and set it aside.

The rest of the story has yet to play out, but is obvious enough. This piece of tinfoil will hang around for a day or two, irritating the hell out of me because, although it is obviously not a piece of trash, it looks like a piece of trash on the counter. Eventually, I'll get fed up with the situation and violently crumple the foil into a ball while muttering to myself, JeSUS enough already, and toss it into the trash.

The sad inevitable truth will unfold in the following several minutes, or maybe an hour. Either the Goat will wander in and ask for a piece of tinfoil to scrub the grill (As is abundantly apparent, I've got plenty of problems of my own. Ask him if you want details on how to use tinfoil to scrub your grill), or a leftover chicken leg will be relieved of its meat rendering it ready for discard, or some other use for a gently used piece of tinfoil will present itself. (I should duly note that, although I will happily wrap a gnawed chicken bone in a gently used piece of tinfoil and then discard it, I would never use a new piece of tinfoil for this purpose.) I wish things were different, but they are not. Life is this way and it will always be this way.

Thusly, I succumb.

* * *

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Announcement

From now on the only not-safe-for-work website that shall be banned from the Offices of Erin O'Brien is The Smoking Jacket. Any employee of the Offices of Erin O'Brien (except Erin O'Brien) viewing said website during office hours shall be terminated immediately.

* * *

Saturday, May 08, 2010

Mexican Coke and I love it

Here in Northeast Ohio, if you go to the terrifying discount grocery store known as Marc's, you can buy a Mexican Coke. It'll run you about a buck a bottle.

Why? you ask.

Because the Mexican version isn't sweetened with that GAWD-AWFUL high fructose corn syrup slop. It's sweetened with regular sugar, which we can all understand.

You will take one sip of that Mexican Coke and go back 20 years. You'll remember how good an ice-cold Coke is supposed to taste and you will never ever settle for the shitty American Coke again.

Adiós!

* * *

No, your humble hostess is not suffering from an exotic skin disease. She simply (and predictably) failed to master the advanced digital technique that enabled today's breathtaking graphic.

* * *

Thursday, May 06, 2010

The properly accessorized kitchen


Dearest readers,

I invite you to enjoy an excerpt from my yet unpublished book of humorous nonfiction, The Irish Hungarian Guide to the Domestic Arts.

Thank you for your continued support.

Love,

Erin

* * *

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Research, vol. 7



Goodbye Mursheen Durkin, I'm sick and tired of workin',
No more I'll dig for praties. No longer I'll be poor;
for sure as my name is Carney, I'm bound for Californey,
Instead of diggin' praties I'll be diggin' lumps of gold.


* * *

Now for a little-known fact: when we were dating, the Goat called me "Irish." Sometimes he still does, which always makes me ---> : )

* * *

Monday, May 03, 2010

Oil dispersion



Isn't that just darling?

Now for a few observations:

-The truest statement you will hear today regarding large-scale accidents involving oil and gas: They are rare, but they DO happen.

-There are some 30,000 oil wells in the Gulf of Mexico. Just one of them blows up and look at what a stink it causes. Sheesh.

-If you own a car, you own part of that spill. Yes, that's what I believe. No, you don't have to agree.

Your humble hostess has a long history with the oil industry. I've written plenty about it, so in the interest of full disclosure, here's a list of links:

A complex feature I wrote on drilling in residential areas and a companion blog post.

Edward Burtynsky on Oil.

Reminiscing on my years at BP.

Gas station redux with Jesus Christ.

All politics and opinions aside, Godspeed to the families of those killed in the explosion, and prayers for the Coast.

* * *

Saturday, May 01, 2010

Phone cam round-up


Hey cool weird sax dude.


Terrifying unidentified object.


Hey man, you got any move-in specials?


Spoon on the road.


Beer in a fancy glass.


Got mask?


No thanks, I already ate.


Your foot my foot okay and I love it.


I just got an idea!


Piece o' buttered bread in a bowl instead of on a plate and the Goat is weird.