Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Relics

My mom unearthed a box of items that belonged to her maternal grandparents. It was full up with old tax papers and deeds and miscellany. I was immediately entranced.

I do not know exactly when Stefan and Phillippina Seifert immigrated to the United States, but they both listed "JugoSlavia" as their country of origin on their Certificates of Naturalization. I suspect they were actually from Germany, which was not a very popular admission in 1938/1939.

When I picked up my great-grandfather's keychain and wrapped my fingers around it, the experience was at once grand and small. The keys hold a handful of mysterious secrets. The keys are the zenith of utilitarianism. The keys are personal and quiet. The keys jangle. I long to know every single thing this collection unlocked.


Look at my great grandmother's pin cube.


If I were to extract a pin from it and prick my finger, a red dot of blood--in part Phillippina's--would bloom. How many times did she curse one of these pins for that very offense? Did she utter German oaths? Imagine her positioning the fine wire of her spectacles over her ears. Touching them overwhelmed me.

It is always these details that command your heart and your tears. It is always always always these tiny things.

Always.

Some advice: Live the right way. Imbue the things around you with honest energy. Your inane particulars may one day resonate with someone who hasn't been born yet. Your things will leave an impression. They will say something about who you were. Your things may one day make someone reconsider the word tangible.

Our residual energy lives on forever.


Higher resolution copies of these photos are available here. Those uncropped versions include the entire Certificates of Naturalization and my great grandfather's shaving things.

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Friday, May 27, 2011

Barbie round-up

1. Poor Barbie. Her magic begins to fade the moment she's plucked from the shelf. From there, dusk dissolves quickly into night as she is frantically pried from her the safety of her stalwart packaging.

2. Let's give credit where credit is due. Barbie is snazzy. And there is no such thing as too much snazzy.

3. Have you ever see a little girl pick up her Barbie by the legs and whip it around? Sugar and spice my ass. A seven-year-old with attitude can turn Fashion Fairytale Barbie into a weapon worthy of those Capital One "What's in Your Wallet" Viking guys.

4. Despite the innocuous curved plastic that makes up her torso, Naked Barbie is dirty.

5. Accessories for an Erin Barbie would be a laptop shoulder bag and big funky "Shape Up" tennies. The elaborate xmas-gift accessory would (of course) be a Mini Cooper. Mattel would surely "correct" the body proportions and omit the baggy hoodie and cast iron frying pan. Question is, would Erin Barbie have a pet Goat?

6. Eventually, Barbie dear, your hair WILL get cut and it AIN'T gonna be pretty.

7. There is nothing more honest than Old Barbie. Her snazzy outfit is reduced to a frayed halter top and one high heel. Her hair has long given way to the dingy Brillo pad look and the Glitterizer wardrobe is somewhere in the land of dust bunnies and lost socks under the bed. Although the party is way way over, this is when I respect Barbie more than ever.

She still has a smile on her face.

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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Remarking on remarkable dead guys no one remarks on anymore

Ricardo Montalbán (DOD 1/14/09). I mean COME ON, who didn't love Montalbán as Khan in the original Star Trek series and later in The Wrath of Khan movie? Look at that shirt-thing he's wearing. I want to play with his nipples right now!

And need I even mention the Mr. Rourke roll in Fantasy Island?

Oh. I guess I just did.

Best of all, behold the 1975 Chrysler Cordoba commercial. Aw baby, you and I could make beautiful music on that soft Corinthian leather.

um ... HELL YEAH.



* * *

Peter Jennings (DOD 8/7/05).  Peter Jennings was my favorite anchorman of all time. I watched him religiously on ABC's World News Tonight, but I fell for him in earnest one night as he reported on then-Duchess Sarah Ferguson. It was the last story of the broadcast--the "human interest" piece--and featured footage of Ferguson in loud ill-advised clothing. The copy covered the media's obsession with her weight gain.

After he finished reading from the teleprompter, Jennings set down his papers, folded his hands and looked straight into the camera.

"I don't think you're fat, Fergie," he said. I exhaled as my pupils morphed into gleaming hearts.

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Lee Hazelwood (DOD 8/4/07). I could listen to the opening lyric's of Hazlewood's "Some Velvet Morning" 100 times and not tire of them:

Some velvet morning when I'm straight
I'm gonna open up your gate
And maybe tell you 'bout Phaedra
And how she gave me life
And how she made it in


Oh hell, listen for yourself:



If that's not enough Hazlewood for you, go dig a 2006 interview wherein he smokes, picks his nose, talks about the making of "Some Velvet Morning," and the misbegotten youth of today. Who cares? I still dig Hazlewood like crazy.

Open up my gate ... hmmmm ...

*  *  *

Dan Rowan (DOD 9/22/87).  Laugh-In notwithstanding, Dan Rowan was just hot.


Add the facts that Rowan was born on a carny train in 1922 and was a fighter pilot in WWII and there you go.

*  *  *

Adam West, I am not proud to admit I had to see if you were still kicking. And you are. So if you're out there my little Batmanian, know that you'll be on this list as soon as you head on up to that ol' Bat Cave in the sky. I so love you baby.

Aside to readership, you will want to watch at least a few minutes of this 1985 footage from the WEWS Cleveland "Morning Exchange." Notice how West calls the chick "Kathy" again and again. I wonder if they made it after taping the segment.



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Saturday, May 21, 2011

Mr. Newt Gingrich, meet Mr. Karma

In most cases, Mr. Karma enters the scene subtlely. In some cases you hardly notice his arrival. In your case, Mr. Gingrich, Mr. Karma is crashing in like a deranged prize fighter with a terrible case of flatulence. The best part is we're all watching.


I know I shouldn't be grinning over this, but I swear I cannot help myself.

Listen Newtster: $500,000 in a "revolving charge account" with Tiffany's ain't anybody's business. I realize that. But, baby, people who are busting their ass nailing shingles or working at Wendy's or rolling asphalt in order to pay off the $5,000 in credit card debt they incurred by putting food on the table when they were out of work for a year and a half have OPINIONS ON THIS SORT OF THING.

Oh yeah--festooning your THIRD YOUNG BEAUTIFUL wife with a half a million dollars worth of Tiffany loot ain't going to win you any chick votes, either.

Next up, "right wing social engineering" is right up there with "Kenyan anti-colonial behavior." Baby, a presidential campaign ain't a Fox News commentary. Smart people are listening now and they aren't going to swallow your moronic propaganda like the Fox Zombies.

Aside to readership: whatever you do, watch this (and yes, that is the actual text of the press release):


Lastly, back to Mr. Gingrich: peace be with you too, mo' fo'.



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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Phone cam round-up with mystery quotes


"Of course some people do go both ways."


A man with a singular look.


Are you allowed to put a pickle in the hot dog container? Or a brownie in the sandwich one? If I were in charge (and I should be) we'd see about those Stay Fresh people with their TV and extended freshness and all the rest of it. Bastards.


Holy shit!


"Those cats were fast as lightning."


Why, you naughty tree!


Zee bunny has left zee building.


"The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat."


Okay!


Invigorating massage right where it's needed.


The Darwinian imperative ... stymied!


"I'm tired."


Unidentified white object.


Mini Cooper cargo update: space-saving wine and boot storage method.

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Monday, May 16, 2011

The layman's guide to woodkin

The gypsy wraps herself in cheap gauzy skirts tucked up just so in order to display her fine toffee legs. This is a trick--she is only drawing attention away from her chipped tooth and ragged fingernails. She believes the tiny bells around her ankle charm all that hear their uneven jingling. In truth, they simply announce her whereabouts and delineate the throes of her dance. Her colors dazzle and swirl, but in the end, her only true power is in her hair. Be gentle with her.

The warlock's toes are gnarled and his face is creased from sun and salt, although you will not see these things. His skin is rough and pocked, but turns as luxuriant as a lion's pelt when you nuzzle against him. Deep in the night, the warlock will suckle and knead you. He will transform you into butter (summerling) or velvet (winterling). Warlocks are short.

The rogue lounges in the jumbled limbs of the oak as if he were stretched out on a silk bolster, one leg thrown upon the other and his head cradled in the hook of his elbow. When you walk beneath him, he may or may not coo. If he doesn't, you will pass unaware. If he does, you will stop mid-step, drop your basket and arch an eyebrow. He will eat every bit of your cheese and empty your skin.

The enchantress tastes of ginger. She is fair with clear blue eyes, but dark of heart. She secretly fears the dawn. If you reach for the curve of her waist, she may level her gaze at you and part her lips, or she will dissolve into sobs and tears. The outcome of either spell is the same and you will not leave her for three days.

The chemist knows everything about you, but is oddly indifferent towards your mysteries--a fact he tries to cloak with carefully timed smiles or a brow knitted with false concern. Amid the bottles and vials and scales of his shop, he is a mighty king. Without his props, however, he is wholly unremarkable. Breathe deeply of his vapors whenever he offers them and leave a proper gratuity.

The jack of hearts comes whenever you beckon as long as you don't beckon too often. He never wears shoes. He will grip your arms and swing you round and round and round until the laughter hurts your lungs. The essence of grass will linger in his wake for as long as it takes to mend your sleeves.

You don't need your fairy godmother until you need your fairy godmother. By then your tangled quandary will infuriate her. She may or may not abide your needs, for she is fickle and peevish on even the fairest of days. If your fairy godmother one day trades her wand for a snake (which is just as likely as not), it is not your fault. You'll carry a spiked burden from then on just the same.

The Horseman smells of the earth and bears thick calluses on his hands. He conserves his words. If he invites you to ride, he will do so quietly and with a crooked grin. Nonetheless, you have achieved the highest honor. Accept his offer immediately. Bear the soreness of your loins upon his jolting saddle without complaint and ride for as long as he will have you. If your grasp pleases him, this glory will last until the gloaming falls.


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Friday, May 13, 2011

Blogger done did us wrong

There were more than 40 comments on this post that got gobbled up by a giant blogger outage. It was a raucous and provocative discussion. I am very very sorry it was deleted. To those who had posted so many long and thoughtful comments, just because they are gone does not mean they are forgotten (although I attempted a crude recreation of the thread).

As always, thanks to all my readers and particularly those who brave the comment section, be it once in a while or on a regular basis.

Now then, since it's Friday afternoon and there's nothing to be done, here's a pic--call it a love letter from me to Blogger over this debacle.

Now I understand the chanting

Last Monday, I posted briefly about bin Ladin's demise and in that comment thread and elsewhere online, I expressed my distaste at the associated celebrations across America.

Then today, I listened to This American Life. At about the 8:30 mark in episode 434, a story unfolds about a boisterous and patriotic celebration over the bin Laden announcement at State College Pennsylvania.

One of the students, 20-year-old Lexi, spoke about the night of May 1, 2011 and the ten years that led up to it. She talked about being so afraid after 911. She was only 11 and was terrified by planes and flying for years.

As her interviewer points out, Lexi's entire cognizant life has unfurled under the cloud of war and terrorism. For Lexi's generation, the bogeyman was real.

"We all kind of carried that fear with us," says Lexi.

She talked about how bin Laden's death--while not exactly an endpoint--was an indicator that there finally could be an end. Hence the celebrations.

So Lexi, I apologize. I rushed to judgement. I didn't understand your point of view and how sweet and intoxicating the faintest scent of peace must be when you're just 20 years old and almost all you've known is an America held captive by a shadowy fear.

And I thank you, Lexi, because now I understand the chanting.



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Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The power of belief and a sympathetic vampire

Erin O'Brien, enlightened
Dear Readership,

Your humble hostess will be giving a talk, "The Power of Belief" at 10:30 a.m. this Sunday, May 15, at the Sheraton Cleveland Airport Hotel. The discussion is part of a weekend-long event celebrating House Kheperu, a "magickal society."

This is not my first experience with this organization. I attended the House Kheperu open house in 2007 and found it to be a singular experience more than worthy of an essay. Dig you some Sympathetic Vampire.

Until then, I am crazy busy. Hope to see some of you on Sunday.

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Saturday, May 07, 2011

Al the Retired Army Guy, the Maytag validation and a hottie named Sally


Al the Retired Army Guy, a regular around this here blog, was in Cleveland for a visit and rang up Yours Truly.

Hi Al!

We met at the Cleveland West Side Market, which is one of my favorite places in the world. We had a blast, but one story begs telling.

We were at the tiny Mediterranean Deli, where I buy my salted licorice and where you can find a very fine selection of better cheeses both imported and domestic. Al spied a wedge of Maytag bleu cheese.

"That's made in Iowa by the same family that makes the washers and dryers," said Al, and went on to explain that Maytag bleu cheese is some of the best in the land.

Then something happened.

There was one other customer at the counter. As Al's comments came to an end, he turned to us and said with authority, "He's right," then pointed to his hat, which was emblazoned with IOWA across the crown.

I LOVE shit like that.

I bought a sliver of the Maytag cheese (which proved to be utterly sublime), and spent a couple of hours schlepping around the market with Al and the Goat. We talked a lot and didn't take enough pix, but here's a few just the same.



Smack my Ass and Call me Sally, Holy Shit and Blow me.

Um, okay already. 


An actual pig in an actual blanket.


Detail of Al the Retired Army Guy's sweatshirt.

* * *

People, the Goat is not what you'd call a regular Richard Avedon, so that pic you have of Al and me is the pic you have of Al and me. Deal with it. I'm glad to have it just the same and was so so glad to see my buddy Al.

Al, you rock my face off and you're welcome back to my stomping grounds any time.

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