Rainy Day Woman, vol 14

In my column this week, read up on infomercials. The YouTube video attached herein was just one of the inspirations for this epic love story.

If you have something to say about it, please email the Free Times. Be sure to include your full name and city. Frank Lewis is the editor.

Seventh Heaven

Only for Tilde cause she's cute!

I was a-sposed to do seven habits, but I never do memes and when I do do a meme, I never follow the rules.

Toys.

Men.

Chicks.

Naked.

Shopping.

Cleveland.

Writing.

Seven songs I listen to again and again and again and again:

"Wagon Wheel" Old Crow Medecine Show

"You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go" Madeleine Peyroux

"The Man Comes Around" Johnny Cash

"Oh Caroline" Shaggy

"1952 Vincent Black Lightning" Richard Thompson

"Tear Stained Eye" Son Volt

"My Girl Josephine" Super Cat

For the boys

Brought to my attention by Dr. Douglas Hoffman, I am ecstatic to introduce the Aneros hands-free anal sphincter-assisted prostate stimulator. This revolutionary device allows a man to achieve electrifying, often unsurpassed orgasms (also known as "Super-Os"). Click here to visit the official site.

For the safety and convenience of my readers, below is a video wherein I briefly outline how to use this revolutionary device.

Photographic study of Goat, vol. 1

Erin 2008

If You Elect Me As The Next President Of The United States Of America

Sex Toys will be tax deductible.

The Goat will have a mustache.

All the bad guys will grow their hearts like the Grinch and love on the Who's.

A new nude photo of me will be released every Thursday.

Every American will receive a lifetime supply of Screaming Yellow Zonkers.

Bill Lippincott will be Secretary of Erin. A mysterious person known as Shaina will be Secretary of Bill.

A special committee will be established in order to study reruns of Lost in Space, the Land of the Lost, and that one show where the blond kid in the leotard said "Shazam!"

No one will eff up and overcook steak ever again.

Everyone's ass will look great.

The use of emoticons will be banned.

Admission to amusement parks will be free.

Ghosts will be real.

No one will have body odor.

Taxes will go up, but who cares?

Donald Trump will be forced into an arranged marriage with Rosy O'Donnell.

Clean Sheet Day will be every Saturday (Tough? Yes. But everyone's happier with clean sheets, Screaming Yellow Zonkers or no Screaming Yellow Zonkers).

Everyone can still bear all the arms they want, but bullets will cost $10,000 each and will only be available for sale between the hours of 4 and 4:30 a.m. on the third Wednesday of every month at a remote outpost deep in the heart of Death Valley.

All massage therapists will become employees of the state and get paid tons of money. Every neighborhood will have a free massage clinic.

Chicks will be able to go topless.