If You Elect Me As The Next President Of The United States Of America
Sex Toys will be tax deductible.
The Goat will have a mustache.
All the bad guys will grow their hearts like the Grinch and love on the Who's.
A new nude photo of me will be released every Thursday.
Every American will receive a lifetime supply of Screaming Yellow Zonkers.
Bill Lippincott will be Secretary of Erin. A mysterious person known as Shaina will be Secretary of Bill.
A special committee will be established in order to study reruns of Lost in Space, the Land of the Lost, and that one show where the blond kid in the leotard said "Shazam!"
No one will eff up and overcook steak ever again.
Everyone's ass will look great.
The use of emoticons will be banned.
Admission to amusement parks will be free.
Ghosts will be real.
No one will have body odor.
Taxes will go up, but who cares?
Donald Trump will be forced into an arranged marriage with Rosy O'Donnell.
Clean Sheet Day will be every Saturday (Tough? Yes. But everyone's happier with clean sheets, Screaming Yellow Zonkers or no Screaming Yellow Zonkers).
Everyone can still bear all the arms they want, but bullets will cost $10,000 each and will only be available for sale between the hours of 4 and 4:30 a.m. on the third Wednesday of every month at a remote outpost deep in the heart of Death Valley.
All massage therapists will become employees of the state and get paid tons of money. Every neighborhood will have a free massage clinic.
Chicks will be able to go topless.