Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Erin 2008

If You Elect Me As The Next President Of The United States Of America

Sex Toys will be tax deductible.

The Goat will have a mustache.

All the bad guys will grow their hearts like the Grinch and love on the Who's.

A new nude photo of me will be released every Thursday.

Every American will receive a lifetime supply of Screaming Yellow Zonkers.

Bill Lippincott will be Secretary of Erin. A mysterious person known as Shaina will be Secretary of Bill.

A special committee will be established in order to study reruns of Lost in Space, the Land of the Lost, and that one show where the blond kid in the leotard said "Shazam!"

No one will eff up and overcook steak ever again.

Everyone's ass will look great.

The use of emoticons will be banned.

Admission to amusement parks will be free.

Ghosts will be real.

No one will have body odor.

Taxes will go up, but who cares?

Donald Trump will be forced into an arranged marriage with Rosy O'Donnell.

Clean Sheet Day will be every Saturday (Tough? Yes. But everyone's happier with clean sheets, Screaming Yellow Zonkers or no Screaming Yellow Zonkers).

Everyone can still bear all the arms they want, but bullets will cost $10,000 each and will only be available for sale between the hours of 4 and 4:30 a.m. on the third Wednesday of every month at a remote outpost deep in the heart of Death Valley.

All massage therapists will become employees of the state and get paid tons of money. Every neighborhood will have a free massage clinic.

Chicks will be able to go topless.

47 comments:

The Duchess said...

O'B in '08!

hoosierboy said...

"The use of emoticons will be banned."

You just won my vote. Can I be the official arbiter of taste that makes the decision which chicks can go topless? I am not much for Government restrictions, but some boobies are not fit for human eyes.

Carla said...

'Tis such a great pity I'm not American...I would vote for you for sure.

Lady Roxanne said...

Honey!!!!!...

You have my fucking vote.. I love you.

sxKitten said...

Damn, we Canadians get the short end of the stick again. Why not come up here and run for Prime Minister? We've already elected one chick, who went on to pose nude, so it'd be a cakewalk.

Oh, and if you're looking into that Shazam kid, what about the 'Power of Isis' chick who was on at the same time?

And what the hell are Screaming Yellow Zonkers?

ben said...

:)

Philip said...

Sold!

Reading the Signs said...

well I was just going to say :) but ben got there before me.

I'm in the UK so this won't affect me, but when you bring in the body odour laws, please will you remember to spell it properly (the way we do) and include the letter "u"?

Erin O'Brien said...

Duchess: You can be campaign manager.

Hoosierboy: Thanks for that. I was worried that being anti-little smiley face might work against me. As far as boobs are concerned, I'm afraid if we let one pair out, we've got to let them all out.

Carla: Come on over and vote anyway! Hell, we're not very particular about counting.

Rox: Thanks--one good guy at a time will win the fight.

Sxk: I'll move up there after I straighten this shit out. And I loved that Isis Power chick! Now then, have some Screaming Yellow Zonkers!

Ben: Okay, buddy, I'm going to have to give you a great big spanking for that.

Philip: Excellent! You're with Duchess.

Erin O'Brien said...

Signs: I'll get with the programme right away.

Reading the Signs said...

erf?

Lady Roxanne said...

i dont have a penis..

Erin O'Brien said...

signs: Erf.

Rox: Okay, excuse the expression. That said, are you kidding me? A babe like you can have all the penises she wants!

Hal said...

So why does Lipp get all the patronage? Why am I left out?

Why? Why? Why?

Reading the Signs said...

Rest assured, I am looking after the Erf. We have made friends. I will try not to encumber her with the terrible English humor.

Tom said...

You got my effing VOTE.
I'll make the signs.
"O'B in Effing '08"

Norm said...

sxkitten: And what the hell are Screaming Yellow Zonkers?

Never before have I felt so sorry for Canadians. Oh, how sad to have grown up without Screaming Yellow Zonkers. Wait -- did they deny you Bugles up there in Soviet Canuckistan, too?!

Shocking.

O'Brien, your platform is comprehensive. You'll have my support just as soon as it comes out of the wash. It's necessary, trust me on this.

whitenoise said...

Chicks can already go topless here in Soviet Canuckistan. All breasts are equal, comrade.

And, how will anyone know when I'm kidding....? Sheesh.
;-(
;-(
;-(

Mongrel Porksword said...

UUUUUUNNNNNNGH!!!!

Lady Roxanne said...

yeah well my penis seems to be awol.. hasent been seen in over a month..

josh williams said...

With Roscoe as "vice" president or is it president of vice you are a sure thing!

Corn Dog said...

I guess I'm going to have to register to vote in '08 instead of hiding in the house. O'B in '08! YAH! Goat as First Man!

Valyna said...

You have my vote :)

Winters said...

I see it now, the streets awash with sweet-smelling topless chicks toting bulletless guns, just for the aesthetic effect.

Let's rig it for Madame O'Brien!

sleepydog said...

I will vote early and vote often for you O'Brien.
Lemme know if you need a minister of boobies for your cabinet. I'm at your disposal.

Dean said...

Oh my god I am so down with sex toys being deductible. And with the elimination of BO. It's a scourge. A scourge I tell you.

I'm going to buy shares in silicone. I'll get rich.

Erin O'Brien said...

Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal: Remember this? And this?

Signs: Thank God the erf is in good hands. Scratch its belly and give it plenty of erf treats!

Tom: Now this is what I call grass-roots. Thanks, man.

Norm: Thanks for washing your support. I loves me a thoughtful man.

Whitenoise: The Land of Equal Breasts.

(but just between you and me, mine are still special, right?)

Pork: Brilliantly stated.

Rox: *hugs*

JW: I'll be needed a press photo of Roscoe. Have him remove his clothing and sit backwards in a chair for same. Thanks.

Corndog: Goat or Roscoe for VP? Who could decide? Guess it will depend on Roscoe's press photo.

Valyna: You've been assimilated!

Winters: You are truly a man of vision.

Sleepy: I dub thee Minister of Boobies. You are all boobs, all the time.

Dean: I knew this would be a popular platform. Good to see someone taking advantage of it.

Elisson said...

"From this day on, the official language... will be Swedish. Silence! In addition to that, all citizens will be required to change their underwear every half-hour. Underwear will be worn on the outside so we can check. Furthermore, all children under 16 years old are now... 16 years old!"

Ya got my vote, kiddo. You had me at "sex toys."

garrett said...

I took a round of antibiotics recently. A full round. It was pretty serious stuff. For some reason by the sixth day, my armpits stopped smelling. And so did my head/hair.

Then a few weeks after the round of treatment concluded, my body re-aromaed as per normal.

I thought at the time that the disappearance of smells had something to do with the drugs.

But now I think it was really my body's way of anticipating and preliminarily celebrating not only your candidacy and your victory.

Jim Winter said...

I want to be your intern.

Erin O'Brien said...

Ellison: Excellent suggestions and I shall incorporate them in my platform immediately if not sooner. God Bless Ellison.

Garrett: Let me be the first here to welcome back your body odor. Thank you for that as well as your confidence.

Jim W. Done. But I am NOT buying you a dress from the Gap!

Felix said...

And to think I was gonna vote for Hillary...

"O'Brien 2K8: Why The Eff Not?"

Jarvis Rockhall said...

I heard that Hillary can shoot red hot beams of lazer-death from her eyes...

Erin, what superpowers do you offer to the average voter?

The people need to know!

jungle jane said...

yeah okay, i'm almost sold. Can you do something about mobile phone ring tones? Death penalty for people with annoying tunes??

Erin O'Brien said...

Felix: Welcome to the Erin side of the street, baby.

Jarvis: My boobs glow in the dark. I can make men topple over by doing a hootchie-cootchi dance and zapping them with my hip. And I can turn myself into a glittering bubble and float like Glenda the Good Witch of the North.

JJ: If I am elected as the next president of the United States of America, all mobile phone ring tones will be audio recordings of you and I singing duets. Selections might include "My Sharona," "Come Dancing" (The Kinks), "America the Beautiful," and "Too Drunk to Fuck" (Dead Kennedy's). Why, just typing that makes me want to get started!

whitenoise said...

Of course they are! Presidential, even...(trying.....to.....resist....using.....winkie.....face.....argh!!)

Toby said...

You'll have my vote. Two things though, when will I get to soil the blue dress or at least the oval orfice? I know, dud. Second, Shazam was exactly that, Shazam. What I really am excited about is if Isis will be availble for soiling?

G-Man said...

Erin O'Brien, will all of the Massages have a happy ending?

Erin O'Brien said...

Whitenoise: Stiff upper lip, Man. Stiff upper lip!

Toby: Isis WILL be available for soiling--For you and you only. Shazam!

Gman: Every massage has a very happy ending.


Everyone: It's morning in America!

~d said...

Awww HELL yea! O'B in 08!!

Hal said...

I want to be your intern, too. I already have the beret.

Trée said...

You've got my vote Erin. How may I be of service to, well, to you? (emoticon removed)

MERK! said...

You have my vote.

Renee Somebody said...

Count me in, darling, and feel free to take advantage of me as official booby photographer, and even (dare I hope) taker of the weekly naked O'B.
Callipygian asses all around, with yours being the ideal, natch.

shaina said...

i approve...except for ghosts and emoticons. i do NOT like ghosts (or even the idea of them) but i DO like emoticons...i'm taking an interpersonal communication class and we discussed how emoticons are necessary because non-oral communication is essential. so there :-P
p.s. secretary of bill? whazzat?

Lipp said...

I humbly accept the position & look forward to all the photos, Zonkers and secretaries afforded to a man of my new stature. Furthermore I promise to uphold the Shazam of O'brien to the letter, making you all proud, so help me Eck.

~d said...

Hiya Erin

I yam tagging you. If you like totally disagree, email me at:
d.blogspot@gmail.com
and I will remove your name and linkage.
(smile)