Sunday, January 02, 2011

A step-by-step guide on how to use your spouse as a personal heater

1. Walk the earth for a while a-lookin' for a mate. Pick you a good, thick, hairy one with lotsa sap.

2. Throw him/her in the bed and make sure they heat up real good under the covers.

3. Get hitched.

4. Lead 'em on for a while, telling 'em you're going to work at your high-paying job for a long time and bring in plenty of cash.

5. Quit the job. (tee-hee!)

6. Take up the thankless low-pay hobby of writing.

7. Even after it is apparent that the writing will frustrate the hell out of you, pay you next to nothing and make you half crazy, keep doing it.

8. Despite the fact that you have no real job to speak of (and your spouse works all day), do no cooking, cleaning or chores while your spouse is at work. Instead, just keep writing tons of useless crap!

9. Allow the writing to become so important in your mind that it starts to wake you up at night.

10. Allow the writing to become so important in your mind that it starts to keep you up at night.

11. Allow the useless writing to become so important in your mind that you get up out of your soft comfortable warm bed in the middle of the night to go write it all down, effectively abandoning sleeping spouse.

12. Pay no attention to the fact that the house is heated to just 52 degrees between 10 p.m. and 7 a.m. because you quit your real job and have no money to speak of. Just keep writing!

13. Allow your body to freeze solid while you idiotically type away, digits spider-like before the ghostly glow of your computer screen.

14. As the minutes of the wee morning tick away, take note of the creeping urge to sleep as it eventually increases and threatens to overcome your need to continue writing useless crap.

15. Turn off computer when the toothpicks that are propping your eyelids open snap in two and surface temperature of flesh is at or below the ambient temperature of 52 degrees.

16. Creep with stealth back into bedroom where warm, furry spouse is sleeping blissfully.

17. Smirk.

18. Crawl beneath covers, spending no time on your side of the bed, but instead moving directly to spouse's side of the bed.

19. While imagining you are a multi-legged sea creature surfacing from the murky-depths, completely insinuate your frozen self around toasty spouse.*

*Spouse usually wakes at this juncture in the procedure.

20. Take good care to find warmest places on spouse and, in those places, nuzzle coldest parts of self.

21. Purr.

22. Ask spouse, "Was it worth it?"

23. Interpret his/her angry grumbled response in any self-authored, self-serving delusional way you see fit.


The Writer Currently Known as Rory said...

Hello, all the lovely ladies who visit this blog. I'm very hairy, enough to legitimately compete with Robin Williams. I write, too.

I'm a catch! Pick me! :)

Erin O'Brien said...

Dear Bachelor Number One: If I were a puppy, what would you name me?

The Writer Currently Known as Rory said...

You mean, besides "Mountable"?

(I in no way condone bestiality, but Erin is one sexy puppy.)

Doreen McGettigan said...

That is so me!

dean said...

Lucky (and long-suffering, but still lucky) Goat.

Lucky O'Brien.

Happy New Year, O'Brien and Goat.

Nin Andrews said...

Awwww. This is so sweet!

Bill said...

And somehow you still find time to do a watch, or bracelet, commercial.

wv: womett. I'll think i'm going to womett

Goat said...

And what are the benefits for the spouse again?

Jessica said...

lmao that was awesome.

Bill said...

Goat: The look on your face implies that you are very aware of the benefits. The new watch!

halperry98 said...

That lawn chair to the right of the Goat and the garage is awesome. It made me homesick.

Contrary Guy said...

the more you post about this guy, the more I feel sorry for him. Cold feet at 5am, ick!

Daniel said...

I want that tux.

My lady friend has taken the habit of placing her icy cold hands on my bare skin after returning from the out of doors.

I can't tell you how close I've come to body slamming her to the ground out of an uncontrollable urge to retain my own body warmth.

But, I've resisted well enough thus far.