Saturday, January 31, 2009

Alternative fortune cookie fortunes

* * *

"There's a booger hanging from your nose"

"You're going to die in ten minutes"

"Your wife thinks you have a small dick"

"You're a shitbag"

* * *


deangc said...

"You write anonymous emails to female newspaper columnists."

Kirk Jusko said...

"Don't believe anything the astrologer, the palm reader, the crystal ball gazer, or the Ouigi board tells you. I'm the real deal!"

Al the Retired Army Guy said...

"You're a silly wiper of other people's bottoms."

"In a battle of wits, you're practically unarmed."

"When we want your opinion, we'll give it to you."

"You have the mental agility of a small soapdish."


Bill the wrenchbender said...

Hey, have you been talking to my wife?

Zen Wizard said...

My favorite of all time is, "You will be hungry again in approx. 1-hour..."

Zen Wizard said...

PS--How about, "The waiters are making fun of you in Chinese, in case you wondered what they are laughing about."

I also like, "There is an image of Buddha somewhere in this restaurant. Look hard and you will find it."

Rory L. Aronsky said...

"You're a money-thieving asshole who deserves a special place in Hell." - A fortune cookie for Bernie Madoff.

"You will win the lottery today, and be hit by a bus."

"You will star in an episode of Dateline NBC's "To Catch a Predator."

Dad said...

"Your wife thinks you have a small dick"

Please tell me that's one the goat got last week...

Carla said...

So when are you going to launch these? Can I place my order now?

Kirk Jusko said...

"You will send all your manufacturing jobs over here."

Libby Spencer said...

You will meet a short, bald, hapless sad sack.

Gravity will give you saggy tits.

Your next home will be a cardboard box.

We lied. There's MSG in your food.

Kirk Jusko said...

"You will watch a Billy Wilder movie starring Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthew that takes place in Cleveland and has some great shots of the old stadium (the one they tore down because the NFL said so)

Kirk Jusko said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jack said...

"You will die in a flaming car wreck"

"Your wife thinks you're a dick"

"You will retire to Toledo"

"That's not chicken"

Kirk Jusko said...

"You will eat the Body of the Host, and"--WAIT!

That's a whole different wafer.