Monday, June 12, 2006

Wife



"No."

"When, exactly, are you going to change lanes?"

"She is your mother."

"But she is my mother."

"Get your hands out of there."

"Goddammit."

"Pull the car in."

"Start the barbecue."

"Put your filthy member away, for Chrissake."

"It's only fifty dollars?!"

"But it's only fifty dollars!"

"Now."

"Not now."

"Do it over the sink, for Chrissake."

"Turn it down, for Chrissake."

"Turn it up, for Chrissake."

"Turn it on, for Chrissake."

"Turn it off, for Chrissake."

"Turn it over, for Chrissake."

"Oh for Chrissake."

"Take a shower first."

"Not until you brush your teeth."

"This is not a pair of underwear. This is a few distressed threads of cotton that once collectively dreamt they were a pair of underwear."

"You are going to overcook the steaks."

"If you take them off now, they'll be raw for Chrissake."

"When are you going to look at the goddamn toilet?"

"This is not a sock. This is a few distressed threads of polyester that once collectively dreamt they were a sock."

"You just passed it for Chrissake."

"I'm tired."

"You what?"

"Take. That. Out. Side. Right. This. Minute."

"No."

21 comments:

Larry said...

"Did I hurt you? I thought I felt you move!"

~d said...

you know, Erin, it isn't nice to (mess with mother nature?) no, eavesdrop. Fun! but, not nice. How did you know he keeps trying to keep those damned underwear and that damned shirt?! Oh, socks.

Paul said...

Obie, you are a cakewalk compared to my ex. May I have another?

Toby said...

Previously on "Erin's Owner manual..."

Erin, as long as your hair is down you could read the classified ads, I wouldn't know the difference. :)

Denny Shane said...

geez, it sounds as if you were eavesdropping on my 2nd marriage.

Goat said...

Welcome to my life people !!

Vince said...

This reminds me of fast forwarding through a movie. I half expected to see you running around in double speed like a robot in one of Woody Allen's originals.

Jozee said...

Almost makes me miss being married. Huh-? Rewind!

Nice writing. ;-)

jamwall said...

have you been recording the conversations of my last relationship?

PDD said...

Dishwashers always solve the most difficult of problems and most complex relationships.

It's good to know you have one. I wonder what would have happened to you if you didn't. I guess one way to look at it would be less talking more smashing, no?

Thank god I have a dishwasher Erin, thank god!

Erin O'Brien said...

Larry: "You're on my hair, goddamnit!"

~d: Why do they want to keep them forever? I tell my husband, "the phrase goes, 'nothing lasts forever but the earth and sea,' not 'nothing lasts forever but the earth and sea and your underwear.'"

Paul: Belly, up, baby. If I play it right, I won't ever have to amend the 'wife' title with an 'ex.'

Toby: I love that you are so easy to please. Although, I urge caution (see my response to Larry).

Denny: So then, why did you divorce her? She sounds perfect to me.

Goat: I love you.

Vince: That image is entirely too accurate. Don't tell anybody.

Jozee: Yeah, but look at those slippers! Only a married girl can get away with those beauties.

Jam: This is what we like to deliver here at the Owner's Manual: Accessibility. Universal Experiences. Truth. Transcendation.

(what the eff am I talking about?)

PDD: I once knew a woman who cooked fish in her dishwasher. She is, incidentally, still married to her first husband, has been married to him for 100 years.

I have no idea how the fish come out.

Toby said...

I feel a bit guilty. You're novel is no doubt amazing, it's your hair that I find so distracting. If you'd read anything to me with it down, words would me minced.

If you ever want to hold a serious, heart felt conversation with me, make sure you have a bun.

Jozee said...

Haha. Fish en papillote fresh from the dishwasher- nice.
Oh, yeah I had to give back the slippers after the divorce along with a LOT of other stuff. I belong to a club that used to be solely the domain of men.

Stay married!

Jesus Toast said...

Toast

"...what do you mean you have to take a break and eat some food or something? I don't want to stop licking yet?!?!"

Erin O'Brien said...

Toby: The power is no less than intoxicating. But is all of it in my tresses, darling? Have I no powers in my big 'ole hooters?

Jozee: He took your slippers! This, I cannot tolerate. Come over anytime, luv and borrow mine.

JT: No, no, no. NO! If I were ever to have Toast in bed, I would surely bring along a lovely picnic basket full of goodies on which to nosh during this interlude and that. Juicy peaches, bananas. Round and shiny caramel lollipops.

Toby said...

you have big ole what?

n said...

I ate too many jelly beans mom. Why are you licking the plate? Are you still hungry? I'll share..oh my god it's the sugar talking . I've eaten them all.

Oh and by the way..Do husbands by there own underwear.

Jozee said...

Thanks, Erin.

Le Chitelier said...

Aaah hah hah haaaa!
I love it!
Thank god I'm not a mother!!

Hal said...

Two more (from the girlfriend realm, as I've never been married):

"I never promised ______."?

"You promised!"

josh williams said...

Is that fiesta ware in your hands? I knew you were petite, but tell me that was like a pasta plate and not a coffee saucer. If its a coffe saucer then the pixie booties would make more sense.As for your post, aint communication grand! Thanks JW