Fels-Naptha

I am pretty busy, but as you people need all the help you can get, here I am, taking time out of my impossible schedule (next up: couch vacuuming) to save your sorry asses.

You see that soap? That's your Fels-Naptha heavy duty laundry bar soap. And no, I don't do my laundry by scrubbing it on a washboard, which is the natural intention of your Fels Naptha, but I always have a bar of this on hand.

You tangle with poison ivy? You're allergic to poison ivy? Let me guess, you go and get some candy-ass tube of Ivy Dry or (christ awmighty) calamine lotion.

You're kidding me, right?

What you need is your Fels-Naptha.

Directions: Scrub the living shit out of the poison-ivied area with a bar of Fels-Naptha as soon as possible or when those little effing blisters show up. Repeat two or three times a day for a few days until the shit clears up.

This is hands-down the best poison ivy advice you ever got in your whole sorry miserable life and you are welcome.

That is all.

* * *

Visionary

Whenever I see a graphic of the female repoductive system ...


... I think of someone performing jazz hands.

When good Erins turn bad

McCain's theatrical grandstanding at the expense of the country has me so disgusted, I do what Erins will do when cornered. I made bad nachos.


Take a handful of shitty bagged Tostitos

Plop a slice of Velveeta on top.

Nuke for 30 seconds.

Dump store-bought salsa on top.

Consume while standing in front of the kitchen sink, staring out the window and wondering how in the hell the country has come to this moment.