Who needs Oprah? Here are Erin's favorite things:

The Devil's in the cards: ornaments from Hixsons

Hixsons is an old-timey place on Detroit Avenue in Lakewood (if you live in northeast Ohio and you do not go there once in a while, you are dumb). I used to walk to Hixson's as a kid and sit at the (now defunct) soda fountain, marvel over the psychedelic black light posters (hey, this was the 70's) and buy a piece of maple candy on my way out.

Today, the backroom still comes alive for the holidays, complete with vintage animatronic characters from the old Halle's downtown department store windows and the best selection of European glass ornaments around, many of which were designed by Bill Hixson. If you're lucky, Mr. Hixson will be in the store and will gladly sign and date  yours.

Fondue pot of humble hostess

I really love my cast iron fondue pot. There are plenty on the market. This one will put you back about $80. But what the hell do I care about that? I bought mine at Unique Thrift for $6, which is WHY I SHOULD BE IN CHARGE OF EVERYTHING.

You can't beat this faux fur throw; you also can't wash it. But you can buy a trio of wonderful handmade lavendar sachets from zJayne and toss them in the dryer with the furry blankie on the air setting. The throw comes out fluffy and fresh. I love these sachets so much that I keep one in a glass jar on my desk and breathe in the scent of it whenever I need a little pick-me-up.

Liberty Puzzle under construction

The most beautiful wood puzzles you have ever seen come from Liberty Puzzles. Can't afford a Liberty? Springbok is a high-quality cardboard puzzle with great images and fun shaped pieces. And a tip o' the hat to RedisCover for their easy and funky two-sided odes to Rock 'n' Roll.

For a distinct crispy salty crunch that you have to experience to believe, Tell City Pretzel makes the best hard pretzels in all the land.

And to those gifters out there who are still on the fence over this high-dollar decision, I absolutely love love love my iPad.

You want the perfect stocking stuffer? This mini tripod goes anywhere (it fits in my purse) and has greatly improved my low light photographic endeavors.

Photo by humble hostess courtesy of point and shoot cam and mini tripod

Now dig this: Turns out his mother still keeps his foreskin in formaldehyde and he now is an expert at reading Tarot cards. It also turns out that you can get a whole book of sentences that fine: Gears by Alex Pruteanu.

Asbach confection serving suggestion

While we're on the subject, The Irish Hungarian Guide to the Domestic Arts is funny as hell and God knows we could all use a laugh. So if you want to give a little Erin O'Brien to someone on your list, do it by way of my book. It will not disappoint.

Let's end this on a sweet note. Asbach Pralinen Zarte Flaschchem is a very fine (and I daresay tiny) dark chocolate bottle that is lined with a sugar crust and filled with brandy (I am not shitting you). Available locally at Hansa Import Haus. Or go booze free with a Dagoba Chai chocolate bar, which is essentially a spiced chocolate orgasm enhanced with flecks of crystallized ginger.

As you can see, I know what I'm talking about. I just had one:

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Candy-ass vol. two: Torani sugar free flavored syrups

Artificially flavored sugar free coffee syrup is the zenith of candy-ass. I think we can all agree on that.

If one confined one's consumption of said syrups, however, to marginally acceptable flavors such as chocolate and hazelnut, one might expect a get-out-of-jail free card for one's candy-ass indiscretions. But pumpkin pie? Gingerbread for chrissake?

I don't have one alibi.

If you stop associating with me on account of this, I'll understand. A person can only ask so much from another person.

That said, I am not trying to take you down with me. I shall stand stoically alone before my sins. But--and not that I'm suggesting anything unseemly here--if you are in, say, World Market or some other candy-ass place (not like you would be or anything) and you see a bottle of Torani Sugar Free Gingerbread Syrup and you accidentally buy it, and you go home and accidentally pour some in your coffee and take a sip, you will find it tastes sort of like Christmas in a sparkle spice* way you can't really put your finger on.

In the process of trying to put your finger on that elusive something, you might be reminded of a Dagoba Chai chocolate bar,  which has the same subtle spicy thing going on (with itty bitty flecks of crystallized ginger to boot), and might be the most perfect goddamn thing you could slide into the stocking of your Goat or Goatess. (But not that I'm trying to take you down with me by suggesting you buy a chocolate bar that, as of the penning of this post, is indelibly tethered to a candy-ass sugar free coffee syrup or anything like that. And to the person out there who's about to contrast the non-sugar-freeness of a Dagoba Chai bar to the sugar-freeness of the candy-ass syrup, please don't and instead go to hell).

The O'Brien hasn't tried the Torani Sugar Free Pumpkin Pie flavored syrup yet, so don't ask for some cosmic chocolate connection for that. Can't you people do anything for yourselves?

Christ, this is exhausting.

You see that neon yellow pour spout in the chocolate? I put those in my candy-ass Torani Sugar Free Flavoring Syrup bottles and when someone who is not yet down with the entire Erin O'Brien experience comes over for a cuppa, I get totally jacked when they see me upend one of these mothers into my coffee cup at 9:00 in the morning and think for a split second: is she pouring whiskey into that cup?

(tee-hee!)

About the only non-candy ass element to this entire orchestration is the can of Hills Bros. coffee lurking behind all those Torani bottles. Your Hills Bros. is one of the few shitty old-time coffees you can actually understand on account it still comes in an actual can you can use for cleaning paint brushes after the coffee is gone. (Don't try and find a coffee can that requires the employ of a can opener--they all have these space-age tinfoil seals you peel off, which is satisfying in it's own way but no where near as good as piercing through the tin with the can opener like with your authentic old-time coffee cans, and hearing that pffft noise as the fresh coffee smell wafts up.)

People, this is what my life is like all of the time.

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*please don't tell anyone I said, "sparkle spice."

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