If one confined one's consumption of said syrups, however, to marginally acceptable flavors such as chocolate and hazelnut, one might expect a get-out-of-jail free card for one's candy-ass indiscretions. But pumpkin pie? Gingerbread for chrissake?
I don't have one alibi.
If you stop associating with me on account of this, I'll understand. A person can only ask so much from another person.
That said, I am not trying to take you down with me. I shall stand stoically alone before my sins. But--and not that I'm suggesting anything unseemly here--if you are in, say, World Market or some other candy-ass place (not like you would be or anything) and you see a bottle of Torani Sugar Free Gingerbread Syrup and you accidentally buy it, and you go home and accidentally pour some in your coffee and take a sip, you will find it tastes sort of like Christmas in a sparkle spice* way you can't really put your finger on.
The O'Brien hasn't tried the Torani Sugar Free Pumpkin Pie flavored syrup yet, so don't ask for some cosmic chocolate connection for that. Can't you people do anything for yourselves?
Christ, this is exhausting.
You see that neon yellow pour spout in the chocolate? I put those in my candy-ass Torani Sugar Free Flavoring Syrup bottles and when someone who is not yet down with the entire Erin O'Brien experience comes over for a cuppa, I get totally jacked when they see me upend one of these mothers into my coffee cup at 9:00 in the morning and think for a split second: is she pouring whiskey into that cup?
(tee-hee!)
About the only non-candy ass element to this entire orchestration is the can of Hills Bros. coffee lurking behind all those Torani bottles. Your Hills Bros. is one of the few shitty old-time coffees you can actually understand on account it still comes in an actual can you can use for cleaning paint brushes after the coffee is gone. (Don't try and find a coffee can that requires the employ of a can opener--they all have these space-age tinfoil seals you peel off, which is satisfying in it's own way but no where near as good as piercing through the tin with the can opener like with your authentic old-time coffee cans, and hearing that pffft noise as the fresh coffee smell wafts up.)
People, this is what my life is like all of the time.
# # #
*please don't tell anyone I said, "sparkle spice."
# # #
65 comments:
My Starbucks order: "Venti Drip. No Room."
wv: obisitie. pretty obvious.
Saying "venti" is also candy ass. I know.
Chocolate covered cherry coffee for me please...
Dear Judith,
Thank you for that selfless show of support.
Yes Bill, it does. I steadfastly refuse to order anything but a "small," "medium," or "large" from that place. And it always amuses me to watch the face of the cashier as they speak my order back to me, and see the little annoyance as they pretend like I used their pretentious vocab.
Now, somewhat more amusing...
The chocolate bar referred to in this post should have made some of you think to yourselves "hmmm..Dagoba...sounds familiar...". Yeah, that's because it's Yoda's home planet, tho with an alternative spelling: Dagobah. I also remember (vaguely) the day I figured out that Admiral Ackbar (a name borrowed from Arab culture...meaning "great", spelling again changed), being a squid-like being, was aptly described as part of the Calamari race. Good 'ol Lucas, just grabbing cultural references from outside mainstrream American consciousness and building an entire universe out of them...
My Starbucks order: Gimme a large regular to go, black, no room for cream and hold the Latin."
The "baristas" can barely conceal their contempt.
I avoid *$ whenever possible.
Erin, for the "pfft" experience, pick up a couple vacuum packed brickpaks of Cafe Bustelo in the "ethnic aisle" of yer local bodega. I keep'em in my cars, truck, shop, kitchen, so I'll never really be out of coffee when I find myself staring with bleary eyes at the bottom of the Chock-full-o Nuts Can. Rip open a bag of Bustelo, and dig the "pfft" followed by the aroma of the nectar of the mortals.
Ginger candy is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Best so far:Ting Ting Jehe Chewy Ginger Candy.
Hot, sweet and spicy all at once.
A truth my readership may or may not believe given the disclosure associated with today's post. O'Brien SOP when ordering coffee outside of her hovel: "Small house with room for milk, please."
Phil, no true barista sniffs at those who enjoy a good cup of drip. At the place I go to down the street, the thick-shouldered Serbian thug who runs the bar makes the drip with as much care as he uses for his perfectly crafted cappuccino. I have seen him tell a customer to wait while he makes a new pot because the one sitting there is not up to his standards.
I think I'm going to go get me one of those cappuccinos right now, in fact.
"Now! Sugar-free Candy Ass."
There's your first million, right there.
Let's face it. The act of entering a Starbucks is candy ass. I guess it's possible to be "a little bit candy ass". A HUGE candy ass activity for guys is using coupons at the grocery store! I have felt that shame.
Whenever a man uses a coupon at a grocery store, somewhere a woman has a spontaneous climax.
word.
I thought I detected a disturbance in the Force.
Goddammit, O'Brien. A woman who likes her whiskey should never be caught drinking coffee adulterated with that Torani shit.
Good coffee is like good whiskey: it is strong and dark and not for little kids and weaklings. Learning to drink coffee, like learning to drink whiskey, is learning to get past the initial gag reflex and appreciate the intoxicant both for what it is, and for its side qualities - with whiskey, it is the taste of the barrels it was aged in, the grain that it came from, the drying process, whether the grain was malted or not, etc. With coffee, I swear to god that if you drink the shit straight as god intended you can taste the acidity of the soil it was grown in, and the sweat of the hand that picked the beans.
To say that I am astonished to see, not just one bottle, but an ARRAY of goddam Torani bottles on your counter, you, a whiskey drinker... well I just don't know.
Just as even cheap whiskey is better than any of that frou-frou lemon gin or blackberry vodka candyass shit, so even cheap coffee brewed straight up and strong is better than anything with that Torani crap ladled in.
Before this gets out of hand (as if it isn't already) I'm just going to say that I made a special trip to the liquor store to take photos of candy-ass flavored liquors for a future candy-ass post and--if and when said post comes to fruition--I did NOT lift the idea from Dean.
In the interest of full disclosure, I also bought a bottle of Grand Marnier when I was on said photo shoot (don't anybody start talking about "just an excuse," either), but that does not count as a candy-ass flavored liquor because I say so and I am perfect.
Kiss my ass.
wow, look at all that sugar... Hills Brothers! Yikes! ya know this is the same coffee they put in institutional packs as 'HBHY' (Hills Bros High Yield), right?
in other words, I drink it every day, because that's what we have at work. Just don't let it sit in the pot too long.
btw, I'm told Bailey's in coffee is pretty damned good.
Bailey's out of my cowboy boot is pretty damned good.
I rarely go to Starbucks. When I do, I order a medium coffee. That's all I say. No venti, no latte, no grande. No room for cream. Medium. Just give me the coffee, and you can keep all the things that shouldn't go into coffee in the first place to your self.
Starbucks doesn't sell coffee. It's sells flavored milk.
There should be two lines at Starbucks - one for those who want coffee, and one for those who want "a mocha choca latte, with a shot, with room for cream, run through a centrifuge, filtered through dirty underwear and served in a vacuum sealed bottle." The second line is for the idiots who can't make their mind to begin with, and who irritate the shit out of those who just want a cup of coffee with their long-winded exhortations while ordering. Better yet, they should just have a trap door below the folks in line number two. That way the "barista" can just hit a lever and get rid of them. "Next!"
I don't use syrups in my coffee. Syrup is for pancakes, waffles, french toast and the like, not coffee. Syrup is also for use in the pastry kitchen, and is great for poaching fruit.
I buy my coffee beans from a local coffee shop (not a chain in any way). They have really good beans that make a great cup of joe. It is more expensive, but worth it.
The only thing that goes in my coffee is half and half and about a teaspoon or so of sugar. That's it. I drink it black sometimes, sometimes not. But it is definitely not candy ass.
My two cents,
Al
TRAG
Message from a "barista" (which necessitates quotation marks, apparently):
My "contempt" (and I say "my" because I can't speak for all of us milk-steamers) is not for the words such as 'small' or 'large.' It is for those who smugly believe they make some statement by drawing unneccessary attention to their refusal to use terms like "venti."
You're no better than the baristas or the other customers just because you prefer a good old fashioned cup of drip coffee over a $5 specialty latte. I don't care what you order, but I do care that you're coming to a business and thinking you're clever by mocking somebody else's marketing decision. Do you walk into McDonald's and order a cheeseburger, adding all the ingredients that come on a Big Mac but refusing to call it a "Big Mac" on principle?
Besides, half the time when someone orders a "small" coffee they whine and bitch that it's too small once I hand them the 12 oz. cup. So you all need to either own up to the fact that you're a *Starbucks person* or just brew your black coffee at home and call it whatever the hell you want.
As soon as I can find a coupon I'll be driving past *$ on my way to Giant Eagle.
@Bagel Fairy: Excellent retort.
At home I nuke day old Chock-Full-o-Nuts coffee, and the gourmands can kiss my ass.
I have an attitude towards the one *$ nearest me(that's you on Rte 20 across from Lowe's, BTW), they really are pompous asses, waiting for their screenplays to get optioned and all. But I concede a real barista is an artist, and we have those here too.
Arabica on East 185.
When I drink their Jamaican Me Crazy, I drill straighter holes.
Word.
sheesh. We finally get a cool barista chick around here and what do we do? Piss her off.
Welcome nonetheless, Bagel Fairy. Really glad you dropped in.
If you're pouring those syrups into a cup of Maxwell House, Folgers, Yuban, or some other coffee that comes in a can - or better yet, an instant coffee - that would be redemption from being a candy ass.
That said, the fact that those syrups somehow found their way into your kitchen, and since I sense little urgency in removing them, I think you're in grave danger of falling off the Cleveland cliff into Candy Assedness.
I mean, at this point, a gentle breeze - one strong enough to blow out a birthday candle on a cupcake - is all it would take, I'm afraid.
If I see you wearing a scarf when it's 60 degrees out - especially if said scarf has little sparkles on it - then I know you're a lost cause.
Al TRAG:
This line made me laugh out loud:
Starbucks doesn't sell coffee. It's sells flavored milk.
Love BagelFairy, and may have to propose to dean...
So, I confess that I do like the syrups, but only Vanilla and Caramel, and only in an attempt to aviod sugar. I don't drink whiskey straight. I do use a good Irish whiskey to make my own Irish Cream.
I don't think I'm better than a barista, coffee maker/server, what have you. I just like to use plain english when ordering my coffee. For me, the word medium works, and doesn't imply superiority or any kind, real or imagined, towards said person serving me my coffee.
I don't patronize McDonald's, Burger King, KFC, Hardee's, Pizza Hut, Domino's, Papa John's, etc., so I don't have the issue that Bagel Fairy refers to above.
The only time I am a "Starbucks person" is when I have no other choice when it comes to coffee. Luckily, I have a locally owned and operated coffee shop about a mile from where I live, and they make a great cup of Joe (better than Starbucks to me). They also sell kickass beans (expensive, but worth it) that I use at home to make coffee. I call that coffee .... coffee, not macchiato, latte, espresso, or mocha or whatever other flavored milk found at your local Starbucks. Just plain coffee, thanks.
And I'm not picking on those who work at Starbucks or patronize them. If you like working there/want to work there or consume their products, have at it. Me? I'm sticking with my local place. And yes, they sell flavored milk too - in medium sizes.
Al
TRAG
While the syrups kind of gross me out to think about (One of my first jobs involved working the coffee bar at Borders), I will say, I cave a few times a year and get something that requires a lil' pump or two of something sparkly in it.
No judgment shall be passed.
I don't much care for coffee; whisky and I have had too many bad dates and we've broken up for good, so I definitely would never be mixing the two with or without syrup flavor..but since the subject has caused such an uproar here, I thought I'd chime in with what I do know:
You can still open a can of coffee with a can opener if you buy the valuetime stuff off the bottom shelf at giant eagle. It's probably stuff that's been around since before they came up with those pull tab thingys but its like 5 bucks for the big ass can and so I buy it. The husband drinks it strong and black and doesn't bitch.
Your flavored syrups may be candy ass but it sure ain't candy ass to own up to it. That takes balls.
This is what you need http://www.bialettishop.com/BrikkaMain.htm
no one will call you a candy anything even if you sip Baileys when you reach for one of those. Try some Paddy* or Powers*, they'll put hairs on your chest.
Bagel Fairy: Nice one!
Al: Sorry, but adding half and half to coffee is candy ass. Not questioning your manhood or anything but ordering half and half is candy ass.
O'Brien, babe, this here comment thread is showing signs of turning epic.
General rule: if it takes longer to order your coffee-based beverage than it does to make it, your coffee-based beverage is candy-ass. The beauty of this definition is that it leaves brand awareness and marketing decisions where they belong, which are with simpering marketing dweebs and the sheep that do their bidding.
Also:
Good Irish whiskey is about the best liquid on earth.
dean +1.
Black.
Large, Grande', could give a shit.
Once upon a time in my wasted youth I would add Kahlua or Bailey's but since abstaining from adult beveridges I've been a purist.
RJ
Bill - Adding half and half is not candy ass. Adding milk (like the French) is. Besides, I'm on record as drinking it black (drank a lot of it while in the Army) as well.
Finally, the day they take out creamer and sugar out of the accessory pack for MREs, I'll give up half and half. Most of our soldiers use the sugar and creamer packs, and they are definitely not candy ass. Trust me.
Al
TRAG
Al: I guess I can't argue with you about that sugar and creamer pack thing but I was in the Navy and that's where I learned to drink black coffee. I definitely think you're wrong about most soldiers using cream and sugar but I hope there in not a poll on that! lol. Still think "half and half please" sounds whimpy. ha.
Bill - as a Sailor, you also had a real bed, blankets, a pillow, and hot meals three or four times a day (mid rats). You also got to bathe/shower regularly, had a gee dunk stand, and ice cream on the mess deck/in the chief's mess/in the wardroom. I think that any soldier, in the field, cold, wet, and pissed off is entitled to put anything they want in their instant (MRE) or brewed (from the field trains, and served once a day, usually) coffee. I'm just carrying on a habit I accrued from many days and nights spent in the field while in the Army.
You want to talk candy ass? The letters U, S, A and F (USAF, or United States Air Force for those unfamiliar) come to mind.
Al
TRAG
Al: I don't think I can win a pissing contest with you. UNCLE!
Bill - BTW, I served aboard USS PELELIU (LHA-5) for about a month shortly after 911. I don't know how you guys/gals do/did it. I was going stir crazy in after about a week on board. And the food in the wardroom sucked. Especially the coffee.... ;-)
Al
TRAG
Bill - at least we can agree that the Air Force is, in fact, full of candy asses. How do I know? At Osan Air Base in South Korea, there is a coffee bar inside the enlisted club. Prominently displayed behind the counter are .... You guessed it ... Flavored syrups. As I ordered my medium coffee there on many a morning while working there, there was no shortage of AF pukes ordering patted, macchiatos, espressos, and everything else not resembling coffee.
The Air Force - when they go somewhere they build the golf course first, the O Club second, and the runway third.
Al
TRAG
Lattes, not patted. I hate auto correct on the iPad.
Al
TRAG
USS Frontier AD25. It's good to hear about your experiences Al. I agree with you about the USAF. My neice is married to a AF Acadamy Grad and he's in flight school now. She complains because he's not home in time for dinner. lol! Talk about candy ass.
Navy Sailor: "What, no liberty? This sucks! Stuck on this ship for another month!"
Army Soldier: " No hot food, no shower, no sleep. This sucks!"
Marine: "No hot food, no shower, no sleep, this sucks, but I can take it."
Army Ranger: "No hot food, no shower, no sleep ... I wish it would suck some more!"
Air Force Airman (propping his feet up on a coffee table in the BEQ/BOQ/Dorms: "No Cable, no pizza delivery, and no free wi-fi... This Sucks!"
Al
TRAG
Yeah, well , my old buddy Julius flew sorties over Dusseldorf and couldn't understand at first why the taped marks he made on the throttles during practice runs weren't right on missions. He had to pull in way more throttle to get airborne. Turns out the turret gunners would sneak on dozens more lead-shot filled flak bags during the night to keep from getting shredded by Nazi 88's. You obviously ain't talkin about that USAF.
In the metallurgy machine shop at Case Western Julius taught me how to sharpen a two inch diameter drill bit to cut through nodular cast iron like butta. His eyes were bad, his hands shook and he had bad ulcers, but he could hear a .001" drift. I drank the MechE department's swill with powdered creamer, and he sipped Pepto Bismol from a bottle on his desk.
My old buddy Ed led thousand's of B-25's across Europe and carpet bombed the fuck out the nazi's. He almost cried once, and said quietly: "We had to do it, we had to do it..." I know you ain't talking about that USAF.
Philbilly: The examples you mention come from World War II. At that time, the USAF was called ...
The United States ARMY Air Corps. The USAF wasn't created until 1947.
Your buddies are heroes, and should be honored as such.
Al
TRAG
Word, Al.
And right you are about the Army Air Corps.
And it was Dresden, not Dusseldorf where Julius flew B-17's. Ed tested B-25's very early on, and is buried at Arlington. I've lost touch with Julius. I know both of them suffered over what they had to do. I miss these guys, and I knee-jerked a bit.
On a much lighter note, I am now obsessed with drinking Kahlua from a lusy Colleen's cowboy boot.
Caffiene and ADD, it's what's for dinner.
Dresden remains, to this day a very controversial thing (we bombed the snot of of it in 1945, along with the British, creating a firestorm which, at that time, many felt was completely unnecessary. Sir Arthur Harris, Commander of the RAF's Bomber Command, never received a postwar accolade as a result). I'm sure Julius was very conflicted over what he did. Every sane, humane person would be.
I'm obsessed with making my own bread, and getting it right at the moment. And I mean really, good, bread.
Al
TRAG
Holy shit. Al has an iPad.
Yeah, I didn't want to comment on the iPad. Kinda candy-ass Al. Seriously, it's a less useful laptop. Sure, sure, its convenient. But still...Apple has over-proven their ability to con people into thinking that "all that glitters is gold." Yes Erin, I know you're an Apple devotee. But we can skip that for now.
I could describe the kind of over-40 yr old men I see with iPads. But Al, I have the distinct impression you'd hope not to be described as such. Let me simply state that they tend to be of the "coffee bar" sort. I mean really...after your strong stance on coffee, the iPad is... incongruous, at best.
Maybe it was a gift?
(It's been a while since I've given you a hard time about anything. And, since its the holiday season and all....)
spill black coffee on the ipad, no big deal. spill coffee laden with half and half and sugar on the ipad, an entirely different story. You don't wear a pony tail do you Al?
wv: pherry
Yes, I have an iPad. I find it very useful - the applications I've got on it for use in the kitchen are very helpful indeed, as are those for news. It is also cool to have when you're sitting in front of the TV watching something (for me, usually documentaries and news) and need to look something up on Wiki or another site. I have Michael Ruhlmann's book, Ratio, on it, and I can't tell you how many times I've gone to it in the kitchen (great book by a Cleveland based food writer - highly recommended). I also have the Food Lover's Companion on it as well - very handy indeed. Still looking for Larousse Gastronomique. Of course, I have Bill O'Reilly's latest, Pinheads and Patriots on it too. So there.
iPads do not replace laptops. They can't really do traditional word processing, presentations, etc. like a laptop or standalone can. You can do some things but they're not a full feature device. They don't have cameras (yet) or USB ports (yet, though you can get around this with a camera kit). This being said, I like mine and use it a lot.
If Apple can figure out how to make the iPad more like a laptop, I think it may revolutionize computers. I could be wrong, but seeing what they're doing with the Mac Book Air and the upcoming iPad II, I think that's where they're going with it.
I am not a "coffee bar sort," meaning I don't take my iPad (or laptop, or for that matter anything else) into my local coffee shop when I'm there. I go in, get in line, order my coffee, pay for it and leave. That's it. I don't sit in there for hours with my iPad, laptop or anything else.
Spill anything on iPad (or laptop, or stand alone computer, or any electronic device) very, very different story.
And no %ucking way do I have a ponytail. If I did have one, I'd have to not take a bath for a year ... you know, just like the folks who hang out outside Charlie O's in downtown Montpelier, Vermont - You Know How I Feel. No thanks - daily showers for me.
Al
TRAG
I, somehow, anticipated that response.
Starbucks Gold Coast Blend. Excellent to take home!
Glad I could oblige, Bill.
French Roast from The Coffee Scene. Excellent as well.
Al
TRAG
Isn't Dagoba where Yoda lives?
"Dagoba system...???"
You can put syrup into coffee? Well waddaya know..?
Also: there seems to be a lot of love from Starbucks here. Seriously people, you're drinking The Man's coffee, as blended by multinational big-business. You need to go independent, and free your mind.
Frreee yuuur miinnddssss...
Dude: Ever thought about how big businesses get started? A coffe house in Seattle. A grocery store in Arkansas. They're successful and become evil? Gimme a break Dude. Clear your mind.
Now your drinking Koolaid, Bill.
Nope, no logical correspondence between mom and pop founders' establishments and decades hence resultant giant corporations. That is a creation of their marketing consultants, and while there are many good and decent examples of large for and not for profit corporate entities, the large corporate structure in and of itself is prone to callousness and short-sighteness within the law, and outright treachery at the edge of litigation.
Note the similarity between this historical definition and George Romero's hordes of brain munching zombies:
"They have no soul to save and they have no body to incarcerate."
Baron Thurlow
And:
"A criminal is a person with predatory instincts without sufficient capital to form a corporation."
Howard Scott
"Larry, I spent probably most of my professional life helping to build Enron Corporation. I don't think there was anyone that was as shocked by the - by the collapse of the company as I was."
Jeffrey Skilling
There is hope:
"After all, sustainability means running the global environment - Earth Inc. - like a corporation: with depreciation, amortization and maintenance accounts. In other words, keeping the asset whole, rather than undermining your natural capital."
Maurice Strong
"It makes no sense to talk of the social obligations of the corporation without reference to its economic obligations. The two are intertwined."
Lee R. Raymond
"Turn off the TV and start digging around for information that's not from a corporation trying to make money."
Iris DeMent
"The First Amendment says nothing about your getting paid for saying anything. It just says you can say it. I don't believe that if a corporation pulls all the money out of you or a network pulls their money away or you get fired, you're being censored."
Penn Jillette
All quotes lifted from;
http://www.brainyquote.com/,
onnacounta I been programmed to not think for myself by the telebizhun.
I could drink hot black coffee and listen to Al and philbilly discuss history for a long time.
No warm ups. I hate waitresses who want to "warm me up." Putting hot coffee in luke warm coffee doesn't yeild hot coffee.
R.I.P. Kurt Vonnegut. Slaughter House Five set partly against the backdrop of the bombing of Dresden.
"The nicest veterans in Schenectady, I thought, the kindest and funniest ones, the ones who hated war the most, were the ones who'd really fought."
- Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five, Chapter 1.
RJ
you know 'sparkle spice' didn't even make me go hmmmmmmmm - however do you realize you typed, 'tee-hee!' with an exclamation mark. Go ahead and check, I'll wait right here. Somehow that didn't seem O'brienish....... 'tee-hee' that made me go hmmmmmmm
For those who didn't know, Vonnegut was captured during the Battle of the Bulge, and was in/near Dresden when it was bombed. He was in the 90th Infantry Division if memory serves me correctly.
BTW, the above was typed on my iPad while thinking of coffee.
Al
TRAG
@Al TRAG
Yup, you are correct about Vonnegut. In fact, one of my history professors in college, Gifford Doxee, was imprisoned with him.
http://www.axpow.org/doxseegifford.htm
This comment thread is my early xmas gift. Thanks, gang.
Al, I completely understand the particular usefulness of the iPad. And its great that you can use it for things you need. I just like ranting against Apple. Oh, and giving you a hard time every now and again.
I'll think of you warmly, while I spend these next 3 weeks in Ethan Allen's backyard. Literally.
"Holy shit. Al has an iPad."
Being a person who not only loves your posts but also the "characters" who comment on them....I second this!
Typed on my new ZAGG keyboard/case for my iPad.
Al
TRAG
Jonas - better you than me. Say hi to all the left wing, liberal whack jobs for me outside Charlie O's ... oh, wait a minute, it's cold outside. Try the Langdon Street Cafe instead.
Al
TRAG
If I get down there, will do. I'm reallying "enjoying" the latest mess with BT. Your general assessment seem to hold true in this case.
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