Friday, September 28, 2012

Candy ass vol. three: flavored booze

I don't do your candy-ass flavored vodka, just your regular vodka that everyone can understand; and I don't drink vodka very often. When I do, I'll have a regular vodka martini with some olives, preferably stuffed with bleu cheese or Gorgonzola. (Admittedly a bleu cheese stuffed olive, or--heaven help us--a cocktail onion, floating in an icy pool of vodka makes me positively giddy.)

After having collected the following pix over a couple of years and watching this terrifying trend, I fear I'm becoming something of a dinosaur.

Absolut Citron was probably the first flavored vodka that hit it big in the United States back in the 1980's. So okay, you want your citrus flavored vodka, have your citrus flavored vodka.

But what the hell do you mix with strawberry flavored vodka?

And is there really a difference between orange-flavored Stoli and clementine-flavored Svedka? Not when you mix it with Diet Cherry Coke, sugartits.

Behold yet another nuance, your orange whipped vodka, which is just one selection in a positively terrifying line up that makes monstrosities such as a chocolate chip pancake martini possible.

Are you kidding me?

Liqueur used to be sophisticated, people.

You chose a Tia Maria, Drambuie or Benedictine, not some goddamn dessert. I mean COME ON. Pineapple upside down cake is not an after-dinner drink. It's something your Aunt Edna brings to the Memorial Day Picnic every year.

Well well well, straight to the whipped creme and bubble gum.

Bubble gum, eh? Really? All you booze hawkers need to take a look behind your backs. That there's Joe Camel grazing in the pasture, you rat bastards.

Do you candy asses want to have a goddamn drink, or a graham cracker?

I swear I should be in charge.

This is some sort of alcohol-infused whipped crap. No comment, just this:

Apparently this darling flavor trend is sneaking into the world of beer. Say Lime-A-Rita out loud. Go ahead, do it.

Is that bullshit or what? Lie. Muh. Ree. Tuh. GAWD.

But oh would you look at that ... talk about your pure Goat love.

Enough is enough. Happy Friday. I'm off to find a bottle of this.

Love, Erin

* * *


Norm said...

Oh yeah, I remember the Snack clip. Pure porn, dahlingk.

Jon Moore said...

I remember when I was a but a school boy and they came out with Hop n Gator beer. Woe to the young man who showed up at a party with a six pack of this lemon/lime mishmash of diluted alcohol. Of course the excuse was always "but the chicks dig it." Hah. Better to bring a bottle of Boones Farm dude.

Erin O'Brien said...

In the interest of full disclosure, the clip is from 2006. I just don't believe I could properly recreate it.

Jon: Hairy. Buffalo.

jen said...

it's almost as bad as someone putting clam juice in the V8!


Erin O'Brien said...


Jon Moore said...

Oh no, full disclosure. Here's mine:
@Jen- I admit to enjoying my Sunday morning Bloody Marys made with Clamato juice.
There, I've said it.

Michael Lawless said...

The clip is the classic end to every porn flick.... Turned me on...and my sugar skyrocketed.

B.E. Earl said...

I never understood vodka. Neutral spirit. I just don't get why anyone would drink it straight when there is the deliciousness of gin and whiskey available. A Hendrick's Gin martini with Gorgonzola stuffed olives or cocktail onions or even a slice of cucumber...heaven! But dangerous. I stick to the following rule for martinis: Martinis are like boobs. One isn't enough and three are too many. Cheers!

Sean Craven said...

A couple of weeks back, I attended a reading by Nick Mamatas. His novel, Bullettime, involves cough syrup addiction. So he made a cough-syrup flavored punch. He sort of insisted I take some of the leftover booze home with me. (Attempting to turn down an offer of high-end booze was probably my greatest act of hypocrisy ever.)

I had never experienced flavored vodka before. The flavor -- raspberry -- was odd, but not actually unpleasant.

It's just that it rendered me raspberry flavored. I could taste it in my saliva the next day, and I smelled like a two-hundred-pound Hello Kitty eraser.

Free is almost never worth it.

It's just that it impregnated my entire body.

Erin O'Brien said...

Between the three boobs and 200 pound-Hello Kitty eraser, I just don't know what.

Anonymous said...

Can you drink alot of it without falling down?

(Apologies to Kingsley Amis)


Anonymous said...

Sticking with my Jack Daniels and its been a while since I have seen a bottle of Stroh's.

James Old Guy

Ms Amanda said...

16 oz glass,ice, a liberal amount of whipped cream vodka, orange juice. Do it.
Alternately: Coffee mug, hot cocoa, from scratch (not a packet), shot of whipped cream vodka. Do it.

Anonymous said...

Oh, how wrong you are, young grasshopper...
Stoli Razberi + Sprite and a splash of lime juice ...
Only problem with this concoction is that you're somehow unable to get up from the bar.

Anonymous said...

I might, or might not have, jizzed on meself a little thinking of a whipped cream vodka with hot cocoa... Mmmmm.. Deliciousness...

DogsDontPurr said...

Remember Bartle's & James wine coolers? (Do they even still make those?)

When I was back in my teen's, I loved those. I was on a road trip down the California coast, stopped at a gas station. I was in the passenger seat, and wayyy too young. I cracked open the wine cooler while a motorcycle cop was parked next to me!

Lucky for me, amazingly, he just knocked on the window, told me to put the lid back on and drink it when I got home. Phew!!!! That was surely one of my nine lives right there!

I don't recall having a wine cooler since. And any liquor that is neon colored is totally off my list. Oh...and those pre~mixed cocktails in a can.....urgh!

(WV: 29 errkers. Yeah, that's what happens if you drink too much candy ass liquor!)

jen said...

i am an aspiring mixologist, which means i'm all about the classic cocktails (i know how to make a "jack rose" and the perfect martini) as well as your modern day fancy-pants drinks.

i made a pumpkin martini last thanksgiving that coworkers are still talking about.

bubblegum vodka is good with OJ and a little sprite. (i'm a little ashamed to admit i made that concoction up.)

marshmallow vodka in hot coco or a diet coke is weirdly good.

a bloody mary made with bacon infused vodka is a thing to behold. if you're ever at the harp in lakewood, try it.

bossy wanna be bartender girl

Erin O'Brien said...

Jon, it came to me in the night, that's a Bloody Ceasar.

JOG: There's a few rickety old joints that still have Stroh's on tap.

Re: Ms. Amanda and Polish Spring and Jen: If anyone sees a short plumpy individual wearing Groucho Marx glasses in a liquor store buying a bottle of whipped cream vodka it is NOT ME.

DDP: ... um ... Zima.

Erin O'Brien said...

And just to stir the pot, I know this stuff is tremendously popular, but cotton candy vodka? Gummy candy vodka?

You can bet that those selections are at best a not-so-thinly veiled shout out to teens and kids and at worst a pedophile's best friend.

You'd think a distillery would know when the sweet flavors go too damn far.


Bill said...

A pedophile's best friend? Liberal judges. and this

Anonymous said...

Gee Bill. I'm surprised you'd object. Just think of the niche market for juvenile wedding accoutrements. But I suppose you and Tucker Carlson should win an award for alerting the rest of America to such a pressing social issue. Much like your outrage at the Wikileaks Collateral Damage Video. Your moral integrity never ceases to amaze. Nearly as impressive as your ability to ferret out an obscure word from an apolitical blog post just for the sake of stirring shit.

Randy Johnson

Kirk said...

Since I don't particarly like the taste of alcohol but do like getting a buzz every now and then, vodka is perfect. My question is (and you don't have to asnwer it if you don't want to) why isn't a screwdriver (vodka+orange juice) or a Bloody Mary (vodka+tomato juice) considered a "flavored" vodka? Is it that the flavored ones you mention (which I admit I didn't even know existed until reading this) are made with artificial flavoring, whereas a screwdriver is made with natural flavoring, i.e. orange juice? Something to think about if you ever want to open a bar next to a farmer's market.

Bill said...

I'm always happy to amaze RJ. Erin, you did stir for a reason, I think?

Anonymous said...

Suppose your next post will be on the Pope's blog Bill? How do priests say "Nice round little choir boys ass" in Latin?


Anonymous said...

@ Sean Craven: for cough-syrup based cosktails, see "The Simpsons" "Flaming Homer' episode.


WV: 'needbuf' Wax yer car, yer gunna 'needbuf'.

Erin O'Brien said...

I take full responsibility for poking this topic, but I'll be damned if gummy candy vodka isn't downright unethical.

Now then, carry on. I'm off to have a Robitussin on the rocks with a twist.

The Expatresse said...

First, the disclosure: The Spouse is Head of Legal for SPI (Stoli).

We learned to drink vodka in Russia. The Russians positively go bananas when you discuss ANY sort of mixer, even tonic.

I'm with you on the flavored vodkas.

That said, Stoli DOES now make a salty caramel flavor now . . . lovely to sip straight on a frosty autumn evening.

Erin O'Brien said...

Kirk: the fact that these are largely chemical concoctions is perhaps the biggest hurdle.

Actually, no.


Someone pass me a Champale, please.

Erin O'Brien said...

Dear Lord,

I have stood before the open gates of Hell and I have seen the terror within.

Ms Amanda said...

That is so wrong...

Anonymous said...

@ Erin...I read an article in the not-too distant past about the fine folks here at Paramount Distributors right here in CLE, and the back-flips they perform trying to come up with flavorings to match the name brands without violating any proprietary was interesting, can't remember where I saw it but it was probably Scene.


PS-not that it took The Amazing Kreskin's powers, but it looks like I was accurate when I e-mailed you about the "Denouement" of the Romney campaign? Tsk, tsk, tsk...

Contrary Guy said...

Just catching up on my EOB reading... have to laugh at the Three Olives stuff. They sell 'Loopy' (Fruit Loops flavor), 'Dude' (Mountain Dew flavor), and the seemingly competitive SuperCola and TripleShot Espresso (caffeine all night!) SMores is just another one of the cast.

Sadly one of the earliest flavors, Tomato, seems to be discontinued.

These are for shooter drinks made by bored bartenders for boring patrons.