Monday, November 08, 2010

The six most unfortunate marital aids

1. Little Steel Tonight

For $2000, a person should expect something that a) has a better name and b) packs more punch than a 5" tube that's a mere 2/3" in diameter for chrissakes. Who cares if it's emblazoned with hand-written lyrics from Dave Stewart (of the Eurhythmics)?

You can buy a cucumber three times that size at the discount grocery for 79¢. So it doesn't vibrate. So what? Your "Little Steel Tonight" only packs a two-out-of-five on the intensity scale anyway. Strap your $7 Spinbrush to your cucumber if you want to get your buzz on. You're still way ahead of the money game and when you're done, you can make a salad*. Now that's green living.

*Wash cucumber thoroughly after personal use.

2. The Sqweel

At best, this is a mutant Hot Wheels wannabe. At worst, it's a slew of amputated tongues rotating around an unseen axis.

That said, I'm pretty sure that if you give that thing enough gas and set it on the ground, It'll either make it halfway to Nebraska or mysteriously transform into a bevy of mothers-in-law. Either way, my knees are crossed tight.

3. Mr. Right.

Go on and click that link to view the single most depressing object ever realized by humankind. That thing will never ever achieve erection. You want to destroy a woman's self-esteem? Give her a limp dildo. Broad'll take one look at that thing; think even my dildo can't get it up for me and well up with tears for the next three days.

Christ awmighty.

Yes, smartass, I realize that this is an ill begotten fashion accessory designed for a) someone of the feminine persuasion who wants to laugh in the face of penis envy, b) a gent who's own manhood is so negligible, he sports a visual prosthetic to inspire confidence, or c) other.

Yeah, yeah. Mr. Right is a hapless schmuck who will never find his groove, or Viagra Falls for that matter.

The glory he does enjoy--those delighted gasps courtesy of stolen glances as he struts through the club on a glittering Friday night--are born of deception and woefully short lived. Can you imagine what happens when the zipper is finally down and the jib is finally up? When the cards are on the table, this is no winning hand, just a full house of flaccid.

4. Velvet Jewel Vibe.

Per the sales literature: "If being used for insertion, please use with a condom."

You're kidding me, right?

5. Liquid Virgin

People, the active ingredient in "Liquid Virgin" is alum, the same stuff that gives pickles their pucker. Call me crazy, but applying a pickling agent to your zorch just sounds like a bad idea.

You want me to get my Vlasic on, baby? Get makin' with your Polish dill.

6. The Form 2

I admit it: the Form 2 is sort of cute with its two curiously vibrating fingertips. Only trouble is, they're attached to that bulb-like base just like the roots of that goddamn Tommy Tooth model in every dentist's office.

Although the Doc no longer takes Tommy apart for me in order to display the hidden workings of decay, the mere site of the tooth-like Form 2 catapults me back to the most nightmarish moments of my youth, spent squirming beneath a screaming drill in the dentist chair, beads of sweat popping from my forehead.

In this realm, the phrase "open real wide" is anything but sexy.

That said, how darling is this vid? I love the part where the Form 2 tooth gets a nice little bath!

* * *


Andy said...

Is it safe?

Erin O'Brien said...

Welcome Andy.

I'm thinking that if you have a condom on your vibrator, you're playing the game about as safe as you can be.

J9 said...

after the form 2 vid, had to go and watch your cone vid - :-)

Sausage Fingers said...

Cucumber salad with liquid virgin dressing.

Bri said...

The wonderful randomness that is fate brought me to this page just as Freddy and the boys hit their big crescendo in "We are the Champions."

I'm dying laughing here; at least it wasn't during "We Will Rock You."

Missed it by THAT much.

Ken Houghton said...

I'm thinking if you have a condom on your vibrator, you'll avoid the embarrassing question later, "Honey, why is there a cubic zirconia on my tongue?"

Which is still a better question, imho, than, "Honey, did you just douche, or did your vagina become Kosher?"

Ken Houghton said...

(Of course, I just had to look up "spinbrush," putting my knowledge of contemporary dental hygiene for you youngsters on the same level as my knowledge of marital aids.)

Once Known as The Badger said...

A whole new world I've known nothing about... I think I need to go sit down now.

Bill said...

would it be possible to see a live demonstration of these devices? Are any of them being used in the "come togeger" video?

Erin O'Brien said...

As a matter of fact Bill, yes.

Voila le Cone.

And another device that might be easier to understand for you beginners out there.

Erin O'Brien said...

Just watched those two vids. GAWD am I stupid.

Bill said...

Thanks Erin. I wonder if there's a rating system for these devices. Some kind of pleasure scale. Does your expertise, in the area of marital aids, cause the Goat any anxiety or performance issues? For example, in my case, I'm a little humbled by the fact that my stamina doesn't compete with a single AAA battery.

Erin O'Brien said...

Mind your goddamn manners, William.

Daniel said...

Number 2 looks like it could get something snagged...

Vince said...

Why are they called Marital Aids, I just cannot see any man flicking his dick with the sqweel. Or anywhere else for that matter. And I doubt the homemade nature of the cucumber would have the substance to do its job for a man either, nor for that mater a woman that enjoys her excercise on the pelvic floor. More for the gal that's a bit roomy.
And wtf else would one do with the jewel vibe.
And you truely have to wonder about the note that one cannot overcharge the Tooth. They must have had issues in the past.

dean said...

Why are they called Marital Aids

Because calling them 'fuck toys' would be rude.

Amy L. Hanna said...

For the last time, people - and you too, O'Brien - they're called SEX TOYS.
Stop being so damn provincial.

Erin O'Brien said...

marital aids

marital aids

marital aids

Vince said...

Yes yes yes, I get all the sex names rude or whatever. What I don't get is the Marital aspect for that word means a MAN and a WOMAN 95% of the time. And surely they cannot be meaning the Gal on Gal action unless fb has managed to target their Ad's far better than I thought they could. Or to put it another way, what Aid could any of those things be to the man in the Marital.

Bill said...

There are other uses for these things! Here's a good one: