Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Your reservation is confirmed


I spied this item at Crate and Barrel the other day and wondered about who might use place cards. Does anyone still have sit-down dinner parties with enough guests to mandate the use of place cards? Imagine arriving for dinner at someone's home and looking for your place card, assessing how you rate based on who you're next to and where you're seated. Imagine all the implied politics.

What bullshit.

As a public service of sorts, here are some inventive and useful suggestions for alternative place card designations:

~Asshole~

~Wife Of Asshole~

~Assorted Inlaw~

~Associate in Dubious Standing~

~You~

~Not You~

~The Other You~

~UnYou~

~YouBoob~

~SpongeBoob Squaredance~

~You, Only Younger~

~Guest With High Cholesterol~

~Sexually Active Guest~

~Sexually Inactive Guest~

~Guest Invited To Dinner Party By Host Pretentious Enough To Employ Place Cards~

~Soylent Green~

~Guest With Substandard Genitalia~

~Flatulent Guest~

~B-List Guest In Place Of A-List Guest Who Canceled~

~Alpo Breath~

* * *

17 comments:

swine said...

all of them should be labeled: Not You. brilliant as usual Lady O'Brien!

LimesNow said...

Reserved for Guest I Felt the Most Reservation About Inviting

You, Only Interesting

You, Only Sober

Higgy Piggie said...

Coworker I invited only because I invited everyone else

Cute but dumb

Ugly but funny

Husband

ahclem said...

If do you ever find yourself at a dinner party with place cards, you'll no doubt find these useful.

DogsDontPurr said...

You know what would be cool: use the place cards at casual parties where everybody just sits where ever. A place card on the TV tray, a couple on the coffee table, one on the chair across the room, a few on the kitchen counter, maybe one in the bathroom, stick a few on the wall in misc places. It could be silly fun.

Lickety Splitter said...

Oh so funny. So stealing some for my next pretentious dinner party that will probably happen when pigs fly.

Matt Conlon said...

~Guest who blames it on the dog~

~Guest who clogs the toilet and then sneaks out without telling anyone~

Chrissy said...

hey u don't have P.I.T.A. M.I.L.
btw she would have those place cards as well.. she prided herself as being Ms. Emily (frickin') Post.

Anonymous said...

"Sarah Palin did not get this seat by being a mouth breathing moron."

RJ

Anonymous said...

"Lindsey Graham is sitting here with these liberals because he's a fag."

"Mitch McConnell is sitting here because someone said "bail out" and he jumped out of his plane."

And so on....

Anonymous said...

"I shorted Goldman Sachs but all I got was this fucking placecard."

God this is cathartic!

OK, I'm done.

RJ

Big Mark 243 said...

Substandard Genitalia?? How would the host (or hostess) know?

Funny list... if I could be as witty as you for a second..!

Claire L Hallam said...

Is nothing sacred? Placecards (& holders) are the very cornerstone of western civilisation. How else would the servants know where to begin with the port? Really I am shocked to see how far the US has degenerated, I assume the ladies still retire while the gentlemen smoke cigars?

Erin O'Brien said...

I knew you'd all want to jump in on this one! Thusly inspired, I have another:

To be place on the lap of a guest with more-than-adequate genitalia:

~Reserved for Erin~

hoosierboy said...

At least 15 of these could be me. I am still not sure where to sit...

dean said...

I don't know if anyone who doesn't have a $200 stick up their ass even does seating plans for weddings any more.

As a working class guy, I want my tag ~ Guy Who Looks Uncomfortable At Fancy-Ass Parties ~ placed next to ~ Girl You Can Bang When She's Had 4 Drinks ~.

~Handsome Guy With Breath

Amy L. Hanna said...

LMAO! Oh, those are just great - and if only ...!

But then again, you were at Crate & Barrel, Your Eruditeness.