Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Mona Lisa is candy ass

So you ask yourself, self, you ask, why does a completely reasonable adult person such as yourself spend hours doing kid-stuff jigsaw puzzles?

Then your other self says, you don't really want to ask yourself that, do you, self?

This ain't no kid stuff, baby.

This is high-end thinking, for chrissake. It is transcendent. What reasonable adult person wouldn't want to tediously recreate "Allegory of Sight" by Jan Brueghel the Elder or "Femme a Tete de Roses" by Salvador Dali?

You put together ol' Hieronymus Bosch's "Garden of Earthly Delights" one tiny agonizing piece at a time and you learn some shit, baby. Yes, that is a little piggy in a nun's habit sucking that guy's ear in the lower right hand corner. And yes those are a bunch of posies sticking out of that guy's ass right underneath the guy holding the giant fish head in the center panel. And this was like, 1503!

Van Gogh's staccato brush strokes in "Cafe Terrace at Night?" Ear or no ear, this guy knew his starry nights, mo' fo.

But this Mona Lisa babe? Chick's got zippo. DO NOT believe the bullshit. She's got no intrigue, no secrets, no surprises. I did the whole puzzle--all one thousand pieces--and all I had when I was done was a silly little broad with bad hair and no eyebrows. Made me sort of wonder iffin' the da Vinci in drag people aren't onto something. I mean, look at her hands for chrissake.

As for feminine mystique, where are her fingernails? What about her knuckles? Wonder how she was in the sack. My advice to you is, if you're into puzzles, forget this broad.

I am off to buy my next puzzle. I'm looking for something I can understand. I want eyebrows where there should be eyebrows and fingernails where there should be fingernails.

I want regular American plain, and I don't anticipate having any trouble finding it with this chick.

* * *


Chrissy said...

Yep, Rosie is kickass!for sure...

Glass Houses said...

Are you one of those people who frames the puzzles once you're done with them and hangs them about the house like they were of your own creation? Not that there's anything, ahem, wrong with that.

By the way...I'm back from my blogging maternity leave so feel free to pop on over to my place and give me some love.

Also, I got the opportunity to do a photo shoot with herb ascherman jr the other day, and I understand you and he were both included in a internet radio discussion some time back...is there someplace I can listen to that?

Erin O'Brien said...


They go back in the box to be bepuzzled another day (I love my puzzles).

I don't think the radio spot I did with Herb is available, but I'll see what I can find. How cool that you did a photo shoot with him!

Congrats on your new darling baby.

: )

LimesNow said...

I'm with you, Erin. Chick is vapid. Insipid looking. Definitely not American. And I like people (even long dead ones) to have all of their parts, even if those parts aren't perfect. Lack of knuckles and fingernails troubles me.

glittergirl said...

i was all in agreement and laughing along with the post until i realized.... i don't have eyebrows.

i might need to start a support group or consider penciling some eyebrows in ala joan crawford.

whatever o'brien, eyebrows are overrated! LMAO!

Anonymous said...

How long into this process did you start lining up the remaining pieces?
That's evidence of a hard-core puzzler...

Erin O'Brien said...

Glitter: you can borrow my eyebrows iffin' you want.

Limes: I'm not knocking her cause she's not American, but if you're going to go Italian--go Italian. Take Sophia Loren--now that's Italian!

Tommy: The problem with this puzzle is that it was really hard, which is normally a good thing. I LOVE studying the pieces of a fine art puzzle. That's how you get closer to the work and the artist.

Therein lies the Mona Lisa kicker--no matter how closely you study her when she's deconstructed, you don't get anywhere. No discovery, no tiny epiphany, nothing.

Mona L. was wholly unsatisfying.

The black areas were impossible, with absolutely nothing to discern them save the striations of the painted surface and the shape--hence the lined up formations.

LimesNow said...

No, I wasn't picking at her because she's not American. I was saying she appears vapid and insipid. In any country. And that I'd know by giving her a brief glance that was no American chiquita. Mostly we have eyebrows and knuckles and attitude.

Seth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Matt Conlon said...

While it doesnt feel quite the same as a real cardboard zigsaw puzzle, WWW.jigzone.com can be very entertaining.