Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Vehicular proposition

In this lifetime, I'm going to buy a big-ass old car that's built like an tank. Once every couple of months, I'm going to strap myself in that mother like a storm trooper and ride around with no place to go.

Eventually, one of those snotty hotballs* in his snotty hotball car is going to decide that waiting two whole seconds in the exit drive of Dick's Sporting Goods while I pass is not worth his time and he's going to pull out right in front of me and make his left (or right) turn.**

In an awful big hurry to go home and load those hotballs into your new Lycra bicycle pants, aren'tcha, baby?

Instead of doing what he expects and slamming on my brakes, I'm going to smile and run right into the son of a bitch. Then I'm going to make his insurance pay to get that big bad-ass old car repaired, and then I'm going out driving around in order to do it again.

Until then, I shall continue dealing with the hotball contingent by employing my standard practice of laying on the horn and offering an enthusiastic gesture that includes my middle finger.

Thank you for your support.

##

*I refer to all men*** ages 18-35 in cars as "hotballs." When I'm talking to myself in the Mini Cooper, I'm usually saying something like, "Take it easy hotballs!" or, "Just hold on one second there, hotballs, and mama will move over."

**This maneuver is particularly maddening when they wave, as if to imply I had given them the right-of-way on purpose and the wave is a playful little thankyou of sorts.

***I realize that women do this as well. Not surprisingly, silly little broad is my standard label for them, unless they do something particularly egregious, then it's goddamn dumb broad.


24 comments:

(S)wine said...

Bad news, however: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204518504574417212362984366.html#video%3D81C56182-07AA-490A-BB32-60391DE4035D%26articleTabs%3Dvideo

Erin O'Brien said...

That vid is STUNNING, Alex.

jmberrygirl said...

See if AAA or Allstate will hire you. They might even pay for the car for the boost they'd see in premiums...

Tommy said...

Fried. Green. Tomatoes

Tony Rugare said...

Here, here!

Bill said...

i like your attitude e. i have a big ol gmc yukon with 200k miles and when i find myself in the situation you describe, i pretend not to notice that $80k bmw or sports car. it is rare that the driver will take a chance. size matters.

Tommy said...

Towanda!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZhmZxPWni0

Erin O'Brien said...

That was beautiful. There should be a marital aid named "Towanda."

Dan said...

How many more times am I going to find out that women were calling me "hotballs" 15 years after I don't qualify?

In 5 years when I get my AARP card, do I become "coldballs"? And in-between, I'm "hmm-better-check-that-the-refigerator's-actually-working-balls"?

I await your wisdom, Erin.

LimesNow said...

Grab the children and get them indoors! Yonder comes Erin in her urban assault vehicle.

WV = beret. Gonna sport a beret while doing that bimonthly tour of duty, Erin?

Hal said...

You'd have a lot of fun here in Socal doing that. Here, the hotballers will floor it to pass you as you're coasting up to a stoplight. Then I usually say, "better hurry up before the light turns green!" and just shake my head.

Then there are the hotballers who, when making a left turn onto a four or more lane thoroughfare, will inch themselves out into traffic and just sit there waiting for the other direction to clear. It sure would be a shame if, were I driving one of those old 70's battleships, and I was distracted by some hottie walking down the street and came within inches of T-boning their BMW/Benz/Honda Accord. ..

BTW, what does this post have to do with cold cream, Hieronymous Bosch, Mormons, Olives, or Soup?

Bill the Wrenchbender said...

Get an old truck, a big ole Ford with a 390 will do just fine!

The Shitty Astrologer said...

We should all live vicariously through you...please do update this victory wrecking ball joyride story when it comes to fruition!

Colleen said...

Thank you for Asterisk #1. That was hilarious, hot balls.

paul bitzan said...

If I find myself cut off by a "hotballs" or "dumb broad", the first thing I do is check my rear view. I don't mind when a driver imposes his or her will in an effort to enter traffic where only the strong survive.

What burns my testes is when there are no vehicles behind me for miles and the driver only NEEDED to be ahead of ME.

These are the times that I retrieve a wrist rocked from my glove box and fire away a few expired D cell batteries.

paul bitzan said...

That's a wrist "rocket", not rocked.

Beg pardon.

Jack Cluth said...

Wow...this makes me glad I'm driving in Portland and you're driving in Cleveland.... ;-)

Miz Dinah said...

You go, girl! And in case that doesn't work you can pimp your mini to shoot darts at their tires as they pass. Go-go-gadget-car!

Anonymous said...

Ford F-450 Super Duty Dually Mo'Fo.

Out here in the sticks the local retired nurserymen employee a variation of the hotball strategy. They put on a big ass cowboy hat, grab momma, load up in the dually and go out sight seeing right about time for everyone to go to work and drive 20miles an hour down the 2 lane roads with no shoulders we have to drive.

My day is coming.

RJ

Erin O'Brien said...

RJ: Slowballs?

hoosierboy said...

In my youth I owned a 66 Chevy Pickup. I paid $400 for the rusted, dented machine. I drove exactly as you dream. I was always late to the brake, hoping. I saw assholes and prayed for them to pull out in front of me. Sadly, when hotballs sees a junker bearing down, he becomes a very good driver. Hotballs knows not to take a chance with a junk car.

I had to get my jollies by hunting the guy who parked far out in the parking lot, across two spaces to protect his new 'Vette, or sports car. I always parked as close as possible to make sure he had a small heart twitter when he returned to his car.

Yep, I have always been an asshole. Somne things do not change.

dean said...

Damn, I left hotballness behind 15 years ago.

Anonymous said...

And this ladies and gentlemen, is what they call penis envy.

Erin O'Brien said...

Anon: Penis what?