Wednesday, January 28, 2009

VanTique

That was on the back of the van ahead of me in big cursive letters. Sorry, didn't have time to get a photo.

Presumably, "VanTique" is a custom auto shop or a conversion van style. But really, is that the intended, organic use of that word?

Shouldn't VanTique be the name for a sexual enhancement product for middle-aged women, one that is advertised on the Lifetime channel after 10 p.m.?

Although they'd never use this word, it would be an ointment. No one wants to hear about putting ointment on their zorch. They might show the vial or bottle, but that would be the extent of it. No problem, everyone would know it's some cream stuff and what you're supposed to do with it.

Revitalize your flower with VanTique.

There would be some testimonials.

"After 30 years, it's our honeymoon all over again!" a silver fox man would say and the girlish silver-haired woman on his arm would lovingly drop her head on his shoulder.

"I haven't felt like this in years," would be the assertion from an attractive fiftysomething woman. "And neither have I," would add the attractive fiftysomething man next to her with a rakish wink.

Then jazzy mellow music would ensue as the camera takes in a willowy couple dancing by the seashore next to a white-linen covered table upon which sit two champagne flutes and a candle.

VanTique. Do it for him. Do it for yourself.

Am I an underutilized talent or what?

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9 comments:

Julia Farley said...

I almost lost a spleen laffing at dis. Holy Crap, Erin...gawds you are phunni!
Thanks for the snow you are sending to us in Boston. We really appreciate it. (naught)

deangc said...

I think a better name for this product would be Intimax.

Vantique should actually be a word for the leathery, spindle-braided shrubs, at least half of whom used to be Americans, who populate certain areas around Vancouver. They are steeped in coffee and tetrahyrocannabinol, and wear grubby natural fibres, preferably hemp.

Zen Wizard said...

I am gleaning from the lyrics of Chevy Van that in 1973, a customized van, in and of itself, was an aphrodisiac anyway, so either way.

emmapeelDallas said...

You are an underutilized talent. I like that they're age comparable! Dunno if it's the case in the rest of the country, but here in Dallas those ads show silver haired men with trophy second wives, many years their junior, on their arms, and sometimes very young children (under age 5) are included. Of course, they never show 50-something women with 30-something guys, but hey...

Simon M said...

@dallas

I suspect those are commercials for male enhancement products you speak of, as not having middle-aged women in an ad aimed at middle-aged women would likely not work quite as well...I do like the idea of flipping it and throwing in a few 'trophy husbands'.

stef said...

This is brilliant.

I once had an idea of a name for a feminine deodorant spray. FDS is such a lame name, why not call it Sprunt? I think my product name is much better, haha.

You are so funny Erin!

Bill the wrenchbender said...

Ah, Vaginas, a subject I never tire of.

Kirk Jusko said...

Maybe she can give him a van job.

glittergirl said...

this made me giggle, and it's been a rotten day, so thanks!

"zorch" is my new favorite word.