Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Bubble bubble, toil and trouble

No matter how large the capacity of my new bathroom cabinets/vanity/shelving will be, no matter how well-made they are, and no matter how beautiful they are, it will take about 18 seconds for them to be filled from top to bottom with shit I absolutely do not need. It will not be clear how all of this shit will appear. I will not go on some health and beauty aid shopping spree online or otherwise. The shit I absolutely do not need will just appear out of nowhere.

Furthermore, all of the shit I absolutely do not need will inevitably be obstructing access to the shit I do need.

I do not believe there is any way to change this, ever. It is one of life's inescapable eventualities.

I tumble forward. I tumble forward. I tumble forward.


Zen Wizard said...

The stuff in the bathroom cabinet is there to taunt us about the bad decisions we made--and remind us how a lot of small bad decisions eventually add up to about 8 square feet of bad decisions:

Eyebrow exfoliating cream: What was I thinking? It looked cool on the commercial.

Condoms that expired on George W. Bush's inauguration day in 2000--okay I remember what I was thinking, but the execution of the thought included a bar that had
80's Night.

A surgical cleansing cream from a hernia surgery four years ago--what, am I hoping for another surgery? Why don't I just throw it out?

Anonymous said...

I find it interesting that you've even got "shit I do not need boxes" segregating some useless shit from other useless shit. Perhaps you could share the O'Brien useless shit hierarchy.


Norm said...

Hate to say it, but this is clearly linked to the redundant X chromosome thing.

stef said...

I read the book Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui by Karen Kingston, not knowing what to expect. I ended up throwing away and donating 75% of all the bullshit in my apartment. I vowed to use up every shampoo and lotion until it was gone, and only buy one to replace it instead of 3 or 6 that just sit there, collecting dust.

That book changed my life! haha =) Happy clutter clearing to you, if ever you should choose to go that route.

James said...

Its the aftershave that gets me.

I never wear the stuff but people give to me, so now I have all of these bottles lined up on my shelf taunting me with their expensive casings and whatnot.

I should wear it; I'm old enough after all, but then again my grandfather used to wear a lot of aftershave and he's usually a reliable guide of what I shouldn't do...

Heff said...

I remodeled my bathroom (to be posted 11/20/2008 lol), and experienced the same thing. I was amazed at how much SHIT a bathroom cabinet can hold in general.

Zen Wizard said...

@ stef: Bad feng shui: The feng shui book underneath my kitchen table that keeps it from wobbling = bad feng shui.


If you ever see sunless tanning products in a guy's medicine cabinet, stay away! Expecially if there are two or more different brands or shades--and one is for the face.

Take me, for instance: Nivea Self Tanning Spray for the face and Coppertone Endless Summer for the bod: Don't get too close to me, baby, you will only get hurt!!

(It doesn't matter if he doesn't use them anymore. He's a wounded bird; he will take your focus off of that career you had planned...like William Holden did to that screenwriter chick in Sunset Boulevard.)

shaina said...

my bathroom closet started to smell really bad over the summer, for no apparent reason. to try and discover the reason, we took out all the shit that was in there. do you have any idea how many hair ties and barrettes i have? bright colorful ones that i haven't used since i was, oh, 9 or so? LOTS. and also cleaning products from the 80s or so (those are my mom's). although, i did discover this amazing thing...it's a little mitten thing that you use to wipe the mirror after a shower and it de-fogs it and keeps it from fogging up again for a few hours. SO COOL.

Harry Finch said...

Here's my rule: if none of the shit falls out when you open the cabinet door, you do not have too much shit. As for shelving (no door involved, just an open area for baby powder and dead skin to collect on), if you have to clean the dust (and dust is a very generous appellation) from the shit on said shelving, then that shit should be thrown out.

It is very important to throw out the shit that should be thrown out. That is how we make room for new shit.

I'm not sure which it is, but one of the first five books of the Bible deals with this in detail.

lucie said...

Ahhhh. Such truth to behold.

jonas said...


Well played, my man...well played. Any amusing Pentateuch reference is gold in my book, pal.

deangc said...

I think you're on the edge of discovering a new class of fundamental particles. They govern interactions between large objects. I think there's one that operates between cars and parking spots.

Old bathroom shit emits particles that attracts other old bathroom shit. I think someone should work out the formula. It's probably one o' them there inverse square relationships.