Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Jesus Christ

Although I eschew formal religion, there are times when I am obliged to attend church. I listen to the sermon with great interest, although it is invariably an elaborate version or corollary of the Erin Commandment (Don't Be an Asshole), which serves as both a comfort and affirmation for me (I was right and the God Guy says so).

And although it is always a part of the proceedings, when the God Guy announces that he will be doling out portions of JC's body and sips of his blood in order to absolve everyone's sins, two surprising thoughts bloom:

1. Cannibal/vampire.

But that image is quickly erased by the next exciting notion:

2. Man-o-man! It's my lucky day! All I have to do is eat a JC cracker and drink some grape juice blood and all the bad shit I did is cleared out!

Then of course, the God Guy explains that unless I'm a member of the church (I never am) or have been Confirmed (nope) or chinned some other God bar that I do not understand, I can't receive the Holy Communion.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I deflate back into the pew and hope that my Karma that was so close to being swept clean isn't all that dirty to begin with.

That I do not have to enter a church in order to experience church became evident during our trip home from Disney.

We passed the following sign and my hopes rose much like they do at the prospect of the anti-sin Christ cracker. Why ... JC loves me! That means he'll think I'm okay no matter what. He might clean out my sticky Karma as a housewarming gift of sorts. I'll tell him about how I proselytized the Erin Commandment over the Internet and bag a few more points. Christ awmighty, I thought, this is some good news!

A moment later, however, the facade came crumbling down. There is always a catch.

I wonder if Jesus drinks Stroh's beer.


Norm said...

I think Jesus spends a lot of time doing the facepalm when he happens to notice what a lot of his so-called followers are up to. Talk about not getting the message. Makes me wanna get all p.o.'d and toss all the moneylenders out of the temple from time to time.

Anonymous said...

It's hard to tell because it's dark on my monitor but that appears to be a Waffle House sign in the background of the second photo There brethren is the true tabernacle of the sinner and raison toast and black coffee are the sacraments.


Paul said...

The "anti-sin Christ cracker" is now one of my favorite phrases ever. I'll have to use it around the more devout members of my family and gauge their reaction.

As for the sign, if Jesus really did love you, you wouldn't have to repent, so you're good either way.

Smiling Irish Bastard/danb said...

I have it on good authority that Jesus is, most certainly, a beer guy. Stroh's will be just fine.

deangc said...

You trying to crucify Him a second time?

When one can move in mysterious ways, one is not confined to drinking beer available in flats of 96, or 128, or whatever that stuff come in. I think Jesus is a beer guy (wine was the beer of the 0th century), but I'm pretty sure even He would avoid Stroh's.

Diane Vogel Ferri said...

our church welcomes all to communion- just like Jesus would've. Some "churches" still don't get WWJD.

josh williams said...

I love Christopher Moore's novel Lamb. It follows Christ though out his early life recounted by his best buddy. Very funny read, easy read as well. I loaned aka gave it to a friend of mine whose father had his own Church he founded and my buddy loved the book, he also loved the novel by Mark Twain Letters to The Earth. (which I loaned but stole back from his bookshelf on a visit, he is probably still wondering where my book went) Both books are taught at seminary's, I suppose preparing the clergy to answer some pretty difficult questions.

Carla said...

Ya, ehm, good luck with the karma. I'm sure that putting some beer on the alter won't hurt.

ahclem38 said...

I believe...

I'll have another Klondike bar.