Thursday, March 29, 2007

More notes from the road

Favorite sign: RESTA RANT: This was emblazoned above a shack-like building somewhere in Kentucky? Ohio? Can't remember. Anyway, I wondered about the place, thinking maybe it was a cool sort of Reggae bar or roadhouse. Drove about 10 miles before it occurred to me that it was just a beat-to-shit diner and that the U on the sign was missing.

Favorite bumper sticker:
BUMP in bold block letters.

Favorite moment: Those mothers down in Tennessee go effing fast. I was standing on it the whole trip, doing 85 - 90 as often as not. I'm over in the right lane, getting effing passed as I'm pushing 90 in Tennessee. Here comes Hotballs behind me in a service van, horn blaring as he goes to pass. Then he keeps on the goddamn horn! I look at him as he goes by like, what's the effing problem, Hotballs? And he looks at me like he doesn't have any idea what the problem is. I take a swig of my Diet Pepsi and the horn stops.

I had been resting the pop can on the horn button. It was my own horn.

Favorite peeve: Those godsquad road signs. "If you die today, where would you spend eternity?" and "HELL IS REAL" and the one that lists the ten commandments.

For everyone's safety and convenience, as I drove, I mused over the ten commandments and concentrated them down to one:

The Erin Commandment
Don't be an asshole.

And I think that ought to be posted along This Great Nation's roadways.


josh williams said...

Ein your commandment is goijng to
send me straight to hell. God have mercy on my wretched soul, it aint easy being an asshole. Coul you tweek that one just a tad, maybe "try not to be an asshole"...Thinks about it, K?

CheekierMeSly said...

Tripped across The Arse Test today as a reference from the metacool blog. What's scary is I know people who would answer yes to most of the questions. Well, "know" might be a strong word.

Elisson said...

Tennessee? Why, that's just north of Georgia! Ya comin' here, or wot?

Hal Hotballs said...

Los Angeles is the hotball capitol of the universe. Don't be surprised if Hotballs comes up on your ass when you're in the slow effing lane and starts flashing their lights for you to go faster, and then passes you on the effing SHOULDER when traffic is too slow in the faster lanes.

I must confess to tweaking Mr/Ms. Hotballs sometimes when that happens by letting up on the gas and slowing down, down, down. Especially when they are riding my ass on city streets, and I'm rolling up to a red light. Invariably, Mr./Ms. Hotballs will change lanes and punch it, arriving safely at the red light before it turns green. It's even invariabler that the aforementioned hotballs is guessed SUV.

I just laugh, because gas is presently $3.21 a gallon.


~d said...

My fav bumper sticker, I have only seen it once, read:
I Heart My Dog's Face

I thought it was the funniest effing thing!!

Michael Manning said...

I like the Las Vegas cabbies bumper stickers. "If you can see my rear tires, you are a good driver. Thank You!" :)

sombrero11 said...

Don't let Williams sissify your commandment. "I would suggest that you not be an asshole. If it's not too much of a bother..." Grow some sack Williams. That is no commandment. This is a commandment:


Bobby Farouk said...

Everyone's an asshole. I'm an asshole, all my friends are assholes, I don't know anybody that isn't an asshole. Your commandment is unreasonable. Next you'll be telling me not to covet my neighbor's wife.

Bobby Farouk said...

And you have an excellent forehead.

Dean said...

O'brien, I want to go on a road trip with you. You and me and the sxKitten, and maybe the Goat if he promises not to get too hammered.

We'd eat barbeque and we'd stop at stupid roadside attractions. We'd drink beer in every state we went to. We'd take dumb photographs of dumb stuff.

It'd be a blast.

sxKitten said...

Ooh yeah, road trip!!!!

I call shotgun!!!

Chicky Pea said...

LOL @ the pop can. That is freakin' hysterical. You can tell we are from the same parts because hardly anyone calls it pop.

Erin O'Brien said...

Williams: Awrighty sugar kitten baby. Please try not to be an asshole for Mama, kay?

Cheekier: I went to take the Arse test, but ran into trouble on the very first question, "You feel surrounded by incompetent idiots – and you can’t help letting them know the truth every now and then." That the answer to this was yes might not seem to be a problem, until you consider I work by myself. I guess they need a new category for me.

Elisson: Perfect--a reason for another road trip.

Hal Hotballs: I think driving the Mini Cooper makes the SUV types hyper-pissed off. They REALLY love to cut me off. And isn't that just the shit? A great big SUV picking on a lil' Mini? Effers.

~d: I Heart that guy's dog's face too!

MM: I Heart that guy's dog's face as well!

S11: Yes sir! ([removing pants] You can't know what that show of power and authority does for a woman.)

Farouk: You remind me of the Asshole Song "Were you born an asshole, or have you worked at it your whole life. One thing's for sure, you're an asshole tonight."

And even if I do say so myself, my forehead is the perfect companion to my $0.88 cent sunglasses.

Dean and sxK: Clearly, you two know how to roadtrip. You're on. And, yes, we'd have to take along the Goat no matter what. After all, who else would eat all the empty the beer cans?

Chick: I purposefully used 'pop' to see if someone would call me on it. I get laughed at more for calling pop 'pop' than i do for my so-called Cleveland accent.

sombrero11 said...

I've been in Ohio so long I didn't even notice the use of "pop" in that sentence. I still say soda though. It's one of the last vestiges of my southern upbringing.

BV said...

I hate when I press my own horn down. It's one of those embarrassing moments that everyone has.

josh williams said...

I hardly think its fair I go to h e double hockey sticks for being an asshole. Bugger this commandment! Kind Regards JW

Jon said...

"Don't be an asshole" ... fucking perfect

Hairy Prison Guard said...

You aren't God, Erin.

PDD said...

This guy again...??

The Fool said...

****Happy Fools' Day Erin****

Erin O'Brien said...

S11: Isn't a soda something that you sip at a fountain while you sit next to a girl in a pill box hat?

BV: And I did it for like, 30 seconds. What a doof!

JW: I love it when you say bugger.

Jon: I know. It totally covers the bases.

HPG: Don't be an asshole.

PDD: He's like a bad penny. Let's hope he takes my advice.

Fool: Back at'cha a day late ...