No one wants to listen to me bellyache, so I won't. Instead, here's a link to a post wherein I reveal everything I know about self-gratification devices for men.
Oh, okay, fine. Too lazy to navigate around? Then enjoy this (ahem) teaser quote from the post's associated chain links:
The unique Sex In A Can makes the perfect bachelor party gift or dorm room accessory! Inside this simulated beer can is a sensual insert with an opening shaped like a vagina. The Real-Feel Super Skin material is velvety soft and 100% safe, and it's pleasantly scented for extra enjoyment. Functionally similar to the FleshLight, but smaller and without a rear cap to control suction. Overall length 7.5 inches (2.75 inch diameter). From Interactive Life Forms.
I'm worried. I'm very, very worried.