Sunday, October 22, 2006

Easy coat

Never believe this statement: "Covers in one easy coat!"

This is the color we are painting part of the family room.

You know when you're watching a shitty and lame B slasher movie where everyone gets stabbed and sliced and eaten? And then they find a creepy hidden room somewhere? And there are devil bones and upside-down crosses and bits of fur and candles in the room? And the room is painted blood color?

That's the color I'm putting on my family room wall. It is Shitty Slasher Movie Devil Bone Hidden Room Red. Or maybe you could call it something lame like Candy Apple Red like you were a cheesy guy painting his teardrop gas tank. You could probably call it Hooker Red and that would be okay.

Look at what a shitty painter I am. I do not go back and correct eff-ups like the mother drip shown in the photograph. Instead, I hope you consume alcohol and that when you come to my house you will consume alot of it and not notice that the Shitty Slasher Movie Devil Bone Hidden Room Red paint was applied by an arthritic and blind baboon.

I promise to stop saying shitty and lame.

(shitty and lame shitty and lame shitty and lame shitty and lame)

So here's a picture of this crap in progress. Who cares? Shit.

You people need something to read. Okay fine. I'd like nothing better than to write it, but I've got to sling more bloody drippy paint on the wall before the effing floor guys come next week. You're going to have to settle for some leftovers.

Here is an Erin O'Brien classic from about a year ago: Puppy cars and shattered ice cream dreams.

And an excerpt from my novel Harvey & Eck:
Lunch with the Crunch.

I promise to be back in bloggerland and commentland and surferland sometime next week (those sound like areas of an amusement park. Adventureland!). My ISP has turned old-lady-in-the-middle-of-the-grocery-aisle slow anyway and I can't navigate for shit until they get that straight. So this is a good time to be AWOL, but I miss you people and your crazy sites. Thanks for all the comments. I love on them big time.

(Someone is going to ask, so I will tell it now. The weird lamp on the floor was fashioned from a vintage fire extinquisher by my dad. He gave it to us as an engagement gift. I yelled at the Goat to move it before we got Candy Apple Red Hooker paint on it. He did and that was cool instead of turning out to be shitty and lame [promise to stop saying it]. Bye.)


Denny Shane said...

You could do 2 things with this "mistake". Either put a small frame around it and call it art. Or, you could put a chair or sofa in front of it and then you don't have to call it anything cause no one will see it. ;)

Anonymous said...

It is funny when you get red paint all over you and then go to the hardware store to get more supplies. People there think you just hacked someone up in a bathtub and are probably thinking that you are shitty and lame.

Hal said...

That lamp rools!

Dean said...

Would it be shitty and lame of me to think that shitty and lame are lame and shitty?

I think that paint people need to come up with cooler paint names. "Arizona Sunset"? Please.

I think that, if the paint company were to employ my services, I would name that there red "Zombie Hooker Rent Flesh". No need to add "Red", cuz we all know that rent flesh is red.

Dean said...

Although people are going to think that "Zombie Hooker Rent Flesh" has something to do with the periodic payment of money in exchange for housing services.

"Zombie Hooker Torn Flesh" is much better.

sxKitten said...

As long as my mother never realizes that she helped us paint our kitchen Zombie Hooker Rent Flesh.

PDD said...

I love your living room/family room/killer room.

The paint job is just fine. It gives it a bit of character. Besides, if anyone ever asks you could always blame it on your daughter. (Kids have to give back something for all the suffering the parents go through.)

sink sink socks said...

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Jim Winter said...

Do not let my wife read this blog. She watches HGTV and TLC all the time and sometimes gets delusions that she's Hildy from TRADING SPACES.

Of course, sometimes, in the process, she thinks I'm Doug, and then we find out what happens between those two off camera...

Honey, there's this blog I want you to check out. Oh, and Erin likes bright red like Hildy does.

Strow said...

i used to work in the benjamin moore paint shop at home, and the little things you learn while working there are amazing.

I hope you learned from this erin. Also know that when you take the lid off your can, the paint will dry a shade darjer than what you can see inside

Farm Girl said...

In one of our bedrooms I did one wall in that color. I had to put THREE coats on to get it to look right. Good luck!

Baron Ectar said...

"Lizzie Borden took an ax
And gave her mother 40 whacks.
And when she saw what she had done,
She gave her father 41."

or, you could just blame it on the Goat ...

exposed said...

i would use the age old trick - stick a peice of furniture in front of it and convientely forget you messed up

best of luck dear, and i would have painted my living room the same color, but since my couch is B slasher movie red it would have been too much =)

FLAMINGO1 said...

Why do those old ladies at the grocery store insist on parking their cart on one side of the aisle while shopping on the other side of the aisle?

How am I supposed to get by without giving them a forearm to the head? I've now had to ask the grocery store manager that very question 3 times.

It took me a week to paint our spare beedroom. I am a slow and tedious painter and you will find no drips. The spare bedroom is Kermit Springtime Meadow Maple Leaf. It is lovely.

Zombie Hooker Torn Flesh has more of a master bedroom feel to it.

Hope Dangling said...

I think you should work for a paint company naming colors.

fhb3 said...


"shitty and lame shitty and lame shitty and lame shitty and lame"

Now that's funny...