Eff all you mother effers who don't think I know what the eff I'm doing.
*UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE*
Looks like I need to add some information to this entry.
1) Listen effers. If you effers need an effing soup can to know how big an effing book is, you are effed. Eff off. I'm not taking another picture.
2. The work lists copyrights for 1965, 1966, 1969, and finally, 1973. Looks like this baby was born in 1965 just like me. I, however, only come in one edition. I am not now, nor ever was I, available for 50 cents.
3. The book is chock-full of helpful information including how to care for Alpaca wool; drying curve graphs of time vs. temperature for light and heavy loads; and how to remove stains such as blood, alcohol and lipstick (information of which I'm certain each of us is in need).
4. When I was 16, Pete Wilken came to my house and we necked on the couch while my parents were out at a party. Pete became so aroused that the tip of his enthusiastic member peeked out of the waistband of his jeans and he ejaculated all over my shirt, which was crafted from cotton gauze. After I laundered the shirt, I found that there were holes and frayed spots where Pete's semen had landed.
Although the Maytag Encyclopedia of Home Laundry offers this advice regarding the removal of catsup: "Scrape off excess with a dull knife. Soak in cold water 30 minutes. Rub detergent into stain while still wet and launder in hot water using chlorine bleach. For non-bleachable fabrics: Same method. Launder in warm water. Omit chlorine bleach," it has no specific instruction regarding my situation with Pete, my cotton shirt and his ejaculate.
5. I love you.
31 comments:
Without a Campbell soup can, I can't tell how big that book is. It might be 12' tall, or it could be sub-atomic.
I will spend the rest of my day worrying that O'Brien's laundry book is too small to actually read.
Anyone can see by how shiny and dust free your bookshelf is that you must know what you're doing.
Effing Gretchen talkin like a ghetto ho! You knows you is too sophisticated for dat shit. Shit!
The Maytag Repairman probably wrote that in his spare time. You know, with all that time he has on his hands...
yeah...moving on...
Thanks for reminding me. I've got some stuff in the dryer to get out.
Nickle and Dimed? Is that about how you're paid back after loaning a friend money?
(cough-cough) go to Hal's (cough-cough!)
Um, I don't know why you're angry, but maybe me and buttercup can help calm you down...
Can I throw in some boxers? Um, they might need to be pre-treated.
The fourth edition was 50 cents. I wonder what the first edition was...some beads and a blanket?
Barbara Ehrenreich is a communist. Seriously. And literally.
I'm just saying.
Yes. No. I never do that. I always do that. I do so! No way you said that! Absolutely. I will as soon as I can. Hello?
Erin love her bloggers ...
Jesus is one hot bitch.
Do you think he does laundry?
I'll put it next to my Chicago Book of Style.
Yeah, what ~d said. There is some serious smut on my blog.
Woo Hoo!
i wonder how old that fourth edition is?
I have the readers digest version, they edited out all the profanity for me, god blees them.
Wow #21 Im such a loser. Do you have a book on how to make the baskets of clean laundry magically fold themselves?
I was once called The Acid Man, but it had to do with psychedelics.
The problem with admitting you know how to do laundry is that, sooner or later, someone will expect you to, you know, produce clean clothes. Which starts you on that whole downward spiral of housework and hygiene.
How did I miss number 4 & 5 before? If I had seen it before, it would be burned into my memory, like it is now.
Sounds like a real seminal experience for you.
Dear Erin,
Thanks for reminding me of that.
Hey, remember that root canal I had in high school? Why don't you mention that?
Or how 'bout that time that nazi of a nurse yanked the foley out of me like there was no tomorrow. I'd really like to be reminded of that, so why not write about that, too?
Sincerely,
Pete Wilken
P.S. You can see The Lawrence Welk Orchestra playing "Sister Ray" over here.
Erin,
That is simply the best story I have heard in a long time. It sounds like ol' pistol Pete was a young, budding Polynesian Cartographer. I wonder if he has kept up with it. Perhaps he needs a mentor. I could use a new pupil around here to pass all my knowledge on to. I could probably help him out with that quick-draw problem.
Quid pro quo Clarice, you left out the juicy details of your reaction to your first(?) spelunking adventure. Do tell. I'm all titilated and swollen with anticipation.
Erin,
I've learned a lot about the destructive properties of semen today. Thank you very much ! From now on I shall refrain from getting my semen on my partner's clothing and get it in her hair instead.
Thanks again, you are da bomb indeed.
I am sleepydog, hear me snore!
One thing Dongley doesn't need is another "pupil." His one-eye causes the tourists enough trouble, methinks.
I understand stained, but frayed? Did Pete ejaculate bleach?
Timothy Gager
expert launderer
That is the most erotic story I've ever read. Yay for 1965'ers!
Wow. That was some POWERFUL semen! Wonder what that guy was eating?!
Ya know, I've always thought semen had a...chlorine-y kinda smell. Like Comet, maybe. But I don't think I'll be using it as a replacement for Clorox any time soon. heh
Dear Erin,
Sounds like ole Pete was a chip off the old block.
Sincerely,
Peter North
I am not now, nor ever was I, available for 50 cents
How about a buck?
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