Thursday, September 07, 2006

Laundry *UPDATED*


Eff all you mother effers who don't think I know what the eff I'm doing.

*UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE*

Looks like I need to add some information to this entry.

1) Listen effers. If you effers need an effing soup can to know how big an effing book is, you are effed. Eff off. I'm not taking another picture.

2. The work lists copyrights for 1965, 1966, 1969, and finally, 1973. Looks like this baby was born in 1965 just like me. I, however, only come in one edition. I am not now, nor ever was I, available for 50 cents.

3. The book is chock-full of helpful information including how to care for Alpaca wool; drying curve graphs of time vs. temperature for light and heavy loads; and how to remove stains such as blood, alcohol and lipstick (information of which I'm certain each of us is in need).

4. When I was 16, Pete Wilken came to my house and we necked on the couch while my parents were out at a party. Pete became so aroused that the tip of his enthusiastic member peeked out of the waistband of his jeans and he ejaculated all over my shirt, which was crafted from cotton gauze. After I laundered the shirt, I found that there were holes and frayed spots where Pete's semen had landed.

Although the Maytag Encyclopedia of Home Laundry offers this advice regarding the removal of catsup: "Scrape off excess with a dull knife. Soak in cold water 30 minutes. Rub detergent into stain while still wet and launder in hot water using chlorine bleach. For non-bleachable fabrics: Same method. Launder in warm water. Omit chlorine bleach," it has no specific instruction regarding my situation with Pete, my cotton shirt and his ejaculate.

5. I love you.

37 comments:

Denny Shane said...

Wasn't that book just on the Best Seller List?

Dean said...

Without a Campbell soup can, I can't tell how big that book is. It might be 12' tall, or it could be sub-atomic.

I will spend the rest of my day worrying that O'Brien's laundry book is too small to actually read.

Denny Shane said...

geez, I just can't get away from that soup can... it even shows up in the comments now.

Jozee said...

Anyone can see by how shiny and dust free your bookshelf is that you must know what you're doing.

gretchenhr said...

I am kinda rollin with Denny here-no soup can, no size comparison...hmmm. DO you know what you are doing?!

~d said...

Effing Gretchen talkin like a ghetto ho! You knows you is too sophisticated for dat shit. Shit!

Hal said...

The Maytag Repairman probably wrote that in his spare time. You know, with all that time he has on his hands...

yeah...moving on...

Richard said...

Thanks for reminding me. I've got some stuff in the dryer to get out.

Toby said...

Nickle and Dimed? Is that about how you're paid back after loaning a friend money?

~d said...

(cough-cough) go to Hal's (cough-cough!)

Jesus Toast said...

Um, I don't know why you're angry, but maybe me and buttercup can help calm you down...

Paul said...

Can I throw in some boxers? Um, they might need to be pre-treated.

Brookelina said...

The fourth edition was 50 cents. I wonder what the first edition was...some beads and a blanket?

garrett said...

Barbara Ehrenreich is a communist. Seriously. And literally.

I'm just saying.

Erin O'Brien said...

Yes. No. I never do that. I always do that. I do so! No way you said that! Absolutely. I will as soon as I can. Hello?

Erin love her bloggers ...

Tits McGee said...

Jesus is one hot bitch.

Do you think he does laundry?

Bugwit Homilies said...

I'll put it next to my Chicago Book of Style.

Hal said...

Yeah, what ~d said. There is some serious smut on my blog.

Woo Hoo!

Mone said...

i wonder how old that fourth edition is?

gretchenhr said...

erin - FYI, ~d made that comment on my spot. She was fixing mine 'cause I couldn't pull your link up. Then she got to reading, forgetting she's logged in as me and starts writing.

My question is "WHY?" I think you should post some of the important points of Home Laundry. Maybe I'm missing something or there's a better way to do my laundry. Is there an edition for Commercial Laundry? I think that would be much more interesting! :)

josh williams said...

I have the readers digest version, they edited out all the profanity for me, god blees them.

Bostick said...

Wow #21 Im such a loser. Do you have a book on how to make the baskets of clean laundry magically fold themselves?

Toby said...

I was once called The Acid Man, but it had to do with psychedelics.

sxVixen said...

The problem with admitting you know how to do laundry is that, sooner or later, someone will expect you to, you know, produce clean clothes. Which starts you on that whole downward spiral of housework and hygiene.

Bugwit Homilies said...

How did I miss number 4 & 5 before? If I had seen it before, it would be burned into my memory, like it is now.

Sounds like a real seminal experience for you.

Pete Wilken said...

Dear Erin,

Thanks for reminding me of that.

Hey, remember that root canal I had in high school? Why don't you mention that?

Or how 'bout that time that nazi of a nurse yanked the foley out of me like there was no tomorrow. I'd really like to be reminded of that, so why not write about that, too?

Sincerely,

Pete Wilken

P.S. You can see The Lawrence Welk Orchestra playing "Sister Ray" over here.

gretchenhr said...

Alpaca wool. Who has that?

drying curve graphs of time v. temp. I don't even want to go there.

You have to wonder about people who need info on removing blood from clothes.

Clinton would probably like to know how to get those stains out too!

Dongley Shlongford said...

Erin,
That is simply the best story I have heard in a long time. It sounds like ol' pistol Pete was a young, budding Polynesian Cartographer. I wonder if he has kept up with it. Perhaps he needs a mentor. I could use a new pupil around here to pass all my knowledge on to. I could probably help him out with that quick-draw problem.

Quid pro quo Clarice, you left out the juicy details of your reaction to your first(?) spelunking adventure. Do tell. I'm all titilated and swollen with anticipation.

sleepydog said...

Erin,

I've learned a lot about the destructive properties of semen today. Thank you very much ! From now on I shall refrain from getting my semen on my partner's clothing and get it in her hair instead.

Thanks again, you are da bomb indeed.

I am sleepydog, hear me snore!

garrett said...

One thing Dongley doesn't need is another "pupil." His one-eye causes the tourists enough trouble, methinks.

Anonymous said...

I understand stained, but frayed? Did Pete ejaculate bleach?

Timothy Gager
expert launderer

Brookelina said...

That is the most erotic story I've ever read. Yay for 1965'ers!

Colleen said...

Wow. That was some POWERFUL semen! Wonder what that guy was eating?!

Bobby Farouk said...

I told you I'm not seventeen years older than you.

Pammy said...

Ya know, I've always thought semen had a...chlorine-y kinda smell. Like Comet, maybe. But I don't think I'll be using it as a replacement for Clorox any time soon. heh

Peter North said...

Dear Erin,

Sounds like ole Pete was a chip off the old block.

Sincerely,

Peter North

Bernardus Sylvestris said...

I am not now, nor ever was I, available for 50 cents

How about a buck?