Good morning motherfuckers. My Dearly Beloved has asked me to share these thoughts with you. All I'm going to say is that I came clean about this before.
With a resolve and determination unmatched in recent memory, Erin O'Brien and her world famous Snoring Stones gave a concert last night in the Adult Wing of her home theater. Not only was the performance memorable due to its length, the variety was also spectacular.
The performance began with an O'Brien classic: the inhale snore. She then ran through some of her extensive repertoire: the inhale snort, the end of breath snort and the mid-breath snark.
Despite the efforts of the lone audience member (capacity of the theater), O'Brien heroically continued to saw logs throughout the night. He attemped to reposition her and/or contain the volume via a series of nudges and leg movements. Neither the arm bar nor the pillow cover had any effect. At one point, the exasperated audience completely flopped O'Brien over to no avail. There was a brief intermission at some point in the evening that inflated the beleaguered individual with cautious hope, but then the session continued with renewed vigor.
In a startling revelation, the audience member discovered one of O'Brien's precious and magical stones beneath one of her seventeen pillows. Thrilled, he placed said stone within O'Brien's reach. Alas, she did not grasp the stone and calm, but instead crescendoed to a new volume.
O'Brien finally wound down with a brief end-of-the-night whisper a little after 4 a.m., which gave the audience just enough time to fall blissfully asleep at 4:52 a.m., a scant eight minutes before the alarm sounded at 5.