Saturday, September 09, 2006

Guest blogger: the Goat

Good morning motherfuckers. My Dearly Beloved has asked me to share these thoughts with you. All I'm going to say is that I came clean about this before.

With a resolve and determination unmatched in recent memory, Erin O'Brien and her world famous Snoring Stones gave a concert last night in the Adult Wing of her home theater. Not only was the performance memorable due to its length, the variety was also spectacular.

The performance began with an O'Brien classic: the inhale snore. She then ran through some of her extensive repertoire: the inhale snort, the end of breath snort and the mid-breath snark.

Despite the efforts of the lone audience member (capacity of the theater), O'Brien heroically continued to saw logs throughout the night. He attemped to reposition her and/or contain the volume via a series of nudges and leg movements. Neither the arm bar nor the pillow cover had any effect. At one point, the exasperated audience completely flopped O'Brien over to no avail. There was a brief intermission at some point in the evening that inflated the beleaguered individual with cautious hope, but then the session continued with renewed vigor.

In a startling revelation, the audience member discovered one of O'Brien's precious and magical stones beneath one of her seventeen pillows. Thrilled, he placed said stone within O'Brien's reach. Alas, she did not grasp the stone and calm, but instead crescendoed to a new volume.

O'Brien finally wound down with a brief end-of-the-night whisper a little after 4 a.m., which gave the audience just enough time to fall blissfully asleep at 4:52 a.m., a scant eight minutes before the alarm sounded at 5.

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

I guess he didn't say "snore welcome".


Timothy Gager,
sleeping at the moment

Libby Spencer said...

LOL. Snorers unite. Life without a human buzzsaw in your bed is not worth living.

Goat said...

Timothy-- However he did have a few choice comments

Libby--YOU obviously do not have to go to work in the morning.

Henri Banks said...

B b b hmm Ooh you mean stones okay i dont gonna ask!!

Dean said...

I'm trying to figure out how I can work a Campbell's soup can into this conversation, and failing.

I'm sad that the magical stones didn't work. Perhaps they need to be recharged in the fires of Mt. Doom (or perhaps Mt. Cleavage) or something. You could take them from O'Brien's slumbering fingers and carry them on a perilous journey through dark and foreboding lands, fighting odd and crazed creatures along the way.

Of course, you'd need something to carry those stones in. They look like they'd fit into... a CAMPBELL'S SOUP CAN.

josh williams said...

Before you were married and slept in seperate bedrooms, did you have two Campbell soup cans with a string tied to their bottoms so she could snore into one while you pressed the other to your heart?

Bostick said...

Erin. I am going to believe that The Goat posted that just because you say so but it has your signature all over it..hugs

Denny Shane said...

I could have sworn I made a comment here. Erin? Did you erase it? ;)

Helen Mansfield said...

Wow. I used to kung fu fight with John until I got a CPAP machine. Apparently, I've had sleep apnea since I was a small child and didn't even know it.

Oh sure, I look like Dennis Hopper's character from "Blue Velvet" when I wear it to bed, but we both wake up refreshed, with no bruises.

Poor Goat, I think Erin's going to crack you in the head one of these days with those rocks. Completely unintentionally, I'm sure ...

Goat said...

Henri-- Erin has told me about you. Love your videos.

Dean-- Maybe I can try to charge the soup can with an elctromagnetic field to recharge the stones. I am getting too old to fight odd & crazed creatures. Although the Campbells soup can would be destroyed in the process.

Josh-- You do not understand!!! The sheer volume eliminates the need for any equipment to transmit sound.

Bostic-- There was a little editing going on here. Next time I am demanding final approval.

Denny-- After the way she chewed up my original submission, I would put nothing past her. (Just kidding my lovely)

Helen-- Erin does not need the stones for weapons. She prefers the two footed kick/push in the back. I am still not clear on why she needs the stones.

Goat said...

Henri-- Erin has told me about you. Love your videos.

Dean-- Maybe I can try to charge the soup can with an elctromagnetic field to recharge the stones. I am getting too old to fight odd & crazed creatures. Although the Campbells soup can would be destroyed in the process.

Josh-- You do not understand!!! The sheer volume eliminates the need for any equipment to transmit sound.

Bostic-- There was a little editing going on here. Next time I am demanding final approval.

Denny-- After the way she chewed up my original submission, I would put nothing past her. (Just kidding my lovely)

Helen-- Erin does not need the stones for weapons. She prefers the two footed kick/push in the back. I am still not clear on why she needs the stones.

Erin O'Brien said...

Normally, I would delete a repeated comment, but not today. Doesn't everyone want to hear the Goat's comments twice?

Erin O'Brien said...

Normally, I would delete a repeated comment, but not today. Doesn't everyone want to hear the Goat's comments twice?

Denny Shane said...

huh?

Denny Shane said...

huh? ;)

Hal said...

There is something magical about that soup can. I don't know, maybe that could cure the snoring.

Just a thought, from a chronic snorer meself.

Goat said...

My lovely-- You would think a loving/caring spouse would take pity on her computer illiterate mate, but noooo !!!
Now you have shown the world the true misery of my life.


Note to all-- You will (hopefully) only be receiving one response in the future.

Denny-- A true professional f up (like myself) would be more than happy to explain to you the multitude of ways to bemuse and confuse the world.

Hal-- Based on my lovely's continuing (and successful) attempts to point out my many and varied inadequacies, any use of the infamous Campbells soup can may result in bodily injury, or worse, destruction of said can.

josh williams said...

I like the double resonse, it makes me feel important to be responded to twice!

Bunyan, Paul Bunyan said...

Who are all these people? I'm going home!

Jozee said...

I had a cpap machine. Too cumbersome and scary for anyone trying to sleep with this woman. Now I just sleep alone. Everyone's more well rested that way.

jamwall said...

*zzzzzzzzzzz* huh?

*snort!*
wha?

mmmmmmnnnnnggnnnn...

Goat said...

Josh-Just trying to help

Josh--just trying to help

Paul Bunyan--Home is where the heart is

Jozee--i am experienced at sleeping in a noisy environment if you wanna try cohabitation again.

Jamwall-- The snore matchs the look !!!

Jozee said...

ha ha Mr Goat, brave man!

Paul said...

My ex used my snoring as an excuse to throw elbows and knees. I should have pointed out that, had she not filled the room with methane, I might've breathed easier.

Anyone can tell the snore from the snort, but it is the true aficionado who knows the snort from the snark.