Wednesday, July 12, 2006

To have and to hold

I am surfing at my computer, looking for fodder for essays, blog entries, idiotic erin thoughts, etc. It is rainy and dreary. My dearly beloved is taking our daughter to day camp.

He returns and creeps up behind me. The gurgles and ululations he makes in order to indicate his desire for a conjugal visit ensue.

What of it? We've been married nearly 14 years. We're good at this. We know what to do. It works every time. No, dear reader, the trouble herein has nothing to do with my husband, his ululations or a conjugal visit.

The trouble is the site I had visited and closed just as he entered my office.

Click here if you dare.*

I follow him to the bedroom. Once there, for better or worse, I do what I have to do.

*I am hesitant to call this site pornography. Call it the sexual equivalent of drinking yourself sober. At some point, an image is so graphic that it ceases to be sexual at all. Is this site safe for work? Unless you work for a urologist, probably not. Does this site depict, with unapologetic accuracy, what approximately 50 percent of the chairs in the office hold? Absolutely.


Here is text taken directly from the site:

"Scrota Contra Vota" (2000-) is a form of radical political comment for 50 percent of the elective population.

Your scrotum counts!

Attention, male individuals (biological and/or gender)! Please undress and sit down on a flat bed scanner and scan your scrotum. Anatomize the hi-res JPEG to monochrom via email. As a form of protest, monochrom reserves the right to send these digital images to various public people of political interest.

From time to time we offer hygienic scan stations."

And from another of the pages associated with the site:

"at the moment i have forgotten if i am abraham lincoln or captain ahab – nonetheless i am an important figure in u.s. history.
anyway: this address is false, you landlubber, you confederate!"


~ good girl ~ said...


I don't know what to say. Well, actually, I do. I'd quite literally reeled away from my desk. And then, as we do passing an accident scene, craned my head out from behind my hands to peer closer. Is it me or do you find that at first, these "jewels" are fairly recognisable? And then latter participants added more hair and onto the square patch, as if afraid the world might not know these parts come attached to a stud? Cld just be me.

Thank you. I do believe any randy urges I may have had have just been swiftly dealt with.

Mone said...

How come there are only male participants? What about us girls/women?
Should we start our own organisation?

Dean said...

I don't make it a habit to say 'dude', but, dude...

I'd stop there, aghast, but I notice that it is a political organization, and I wonder what the hell these people are protesting? The astonishing lack of compressed scrotum photos in public spaces, or of public money available to take photographs of squashed genitalia? The inexcusable failure to provide safe and effective male depilatory options?

I further notice that some of these were taken in an art gallery, which invites further stunned speculation that this is a work of 'performance art'.

Feeling slightly woozy, I will close by saying that Mone, if you want to start an organization dedicated to the scanning of vulvas* flattened against hopefully-clean plate glass, I won't stand in your way.

* I'm sure there's a cool Latin plural for this, analogous to 'clitorides', but I'm too damn queasy to go look it up

Mone said...

Hi Dean, cool dude. You are our first supportant. Can you raise some money, because we need to get a lot of alcohol to clean the glass plate!
And yes, it is performance art!!

Toby said...

I puked in my mouth a little. Some of them are squashed pretty good. I want to see one of them break the glass.

Erin O'Brien said...

First off, let me say that I love the way the site carefully shows the chair, the cleaning solution and one of the subjects preparing the station. It's as if they are saying, "Hey! We're serious here!"

And does anyone remember when chicks used to just sit on the copy machine glass and press the button?

Good Girl: Call it digital saltpeter.

Mone: Oh girl, I laud your get-up-and-go attitude. Let me know if you need subjects.

Dean: The plural form of vulva is vulvae, pronounced vulvee. Adjective forms include vulval, vulvar, vulvate and vulviform. (I love playing Miss Teacher Erin).

Toby: And here I thought one of those guys was you!

Jozee said...

If scrotums count, perhaps that's why we have Alfred E. Neuman in the White House.

Toby said...

Erin, never will you find any of my naughty parts on the internets. Unless you ask nicely. ;)

Brookelina said...

Is there anything men won't do with their penises? I think not.

Also, I learned a new word today. This site is so educational.

Doug Hoffman said...

I'm at work, surrounded by nurses. The temptation to click that link and leave the images up there is great, but they'll know it was ME who put it up there.

Of course, I doubt I'd have to deal with anything more strident than, "Oh, Dr. Hoffman," but there's always the possibility of another sexual harrassment lecture from the hospital CEO. *shiver*

Denny Shane said...

I, unlike Toby above, did not puke a little in my mouth. I PUKED a lot in my mouth. I probably don't want to know the answer to this but Erin... what words did you use to find this site? "Squashed Balls?

And Mone I really like your idea. Please let me know where I sign up when you find it and of course take a shot at it yourself! ;)

Dean said...

I love playing Miss Teacher Erin

If I'm a slow learner are you going to make me stay behind and bang the erasers?

Blonde Vigilante said...

How weird. Although I must confess I probably do weirder things with my breasts. Their big and fun to play with. You know how you can squeeze a water balloon and push all the water to one side...I can do that with my boobs and it makes me laugh.

So, if dudes wanna take pictures of the stuff I will only talk about...I can't judge cause I do just as sill of things.

I can't believe I just confessed that.

n said...

I didn't hit it. I figure if I am bored of the dance as it is why make it harder for myself than it has to be.

Erin O'Brien said...

Jozee: Hey! You just insulted Alfred E. Neuman!

Toby: Perhaps we need to discuss this privately, darling.

Brook: I am so delighted to hear you find the Owner's Manual educational. As you will see tomorrow, we aim to educate!

Hoffman: Believe me, you DO NOT want to publicly display these images in a hospital. God knows how many delicate patients will keel over at the very site of this--or healthy nurses for that matter.

Denny: No idea how I came about this. It was linked on some blog somewhere. Nasty, nasty business.

Dean: I believe I'll have to teach you a lesson with my pointer, young man. Now bend over!

BV: No need to feel uncomfortable. The Owner's Manual is the perfect place to talk openly about our bodies. Hell, I post pictures of mine.

n: You are a wise woman. These are not images for the squeamish. In fact, these are not images for anyone, but sometimes I've got to post what I've got to post.

garrett said...

Anybody that would digitize an image of their scrotum and publish it on the internet for anyone and everyone to see has got balls, that's all I've got to say on the topic.

Vince said...

You'd figure God would have made these things a little cuter...

zorgon said...

Ok, It's a political statement. But I'll believe they've arrived when you get the check box on the voter registration form:
[] Democratic
[] Republican
[] Green
[] Scrotal

Dean said...

Zorgon, they'd probably be known as:
[] Nuts

mushroom said...

Vote for a scrote...

Like the hot or not equivalent for ball sacks.

PDD said...

I am impressed to see one of them shaves it completely including the corn hole.

This mystery man deserves a blowjob.

Doug Hoffman said...

I'm safe at home where I can look at balls to my heart's content. Erin, I only have on thing to say, and I pray I'm the first one to say it:

'Taint natural.

Jozee said...

1. "What me worry?"
2. "Girly bits" aren't thet purty either.
3. Some people really looked closely.
4. Ewwww!

For the record, I clicked the link AFTER work.

Erin O'Brien said...

Garrett: Very eloquently stated. And believe me, we need some eloquence around here.

Vince: Given good lighting and a little make-up, they ARE cute.

Zorgona and Deanna: what about the monstrous hanging shads? Chads? What were those things called?

Shroom: Very nicely done. You should be their campaign manager.

PDD: You are a woman whose opinion I truly respect. If I find the 'mystery man' I shall forward him to you (once I am through, of course)

Hoffman: If this 'taint natchrell, then, baby, what is?

Jozee: This is why god invented candlelight, no?

PDD said...

Is this man capable of sitting in the chair, any chair?

PDD said...

I don't mean to make fun. It is very unfortunate. How do these things occur?

Erin O'Brien said...

PDD: An excellent piece of information. Thank you for bringing it forward. This is what we do here.

mushroom said...

Scrotums need their profile raised in the popular media.

Timothy Gager said...

shouldn't they just naturally hang down to your knees?

Bill Fitzgerald said...


I clicked, but I dared not scroll down, and with reflexes normally seen only in Hong Kong martial arts films, I directed my mouse to the back button.

Have you checked the following websites:

(If these websites actually exist, I take absolutely no responsibility for the contents therein)

jamwall said...

i knew i shouldn't have sat on that piece of glass..

Hal said...


From the look of some of these scrotal, I would venture to say that - were they intellectually honest - they would check both "green" and "scortal."