Thursday, June 01, 2006

Loud shoes, coupons and accessible sex

Since you have been gazing at bathed-in-forgiving-light-blurry-erin boobs for two days, I thought a slice of reality was in order.

Reminiscent of this post, I cannot throw away twisty ties.

I have an expandable envelope called a coupon secretary.

I have insoles in my tennis shoes that make a loud squashy squeaky noise when I walk. I also wear ankle socks. Hence, my legs are tan, but my feet are not. My feet are white. Since no one wears pantyhose anymore, I have been furiously applying a product I playfully call Tan in a Can to my feet in preparation for this event, for which I will be wearing a skirt and sandals.

"I think I puked on my cat" was the subject of a spam email I got today, wherein they were selling a weight loss product.

Despite the myriad photographs of perfect women that he posts, which make me feel short, fat, old and in posession of breasts that are entirely too big, I dig this guy's art.

My first radio spot ever is tomorrow. If you live in Northeast Ohio, listen to "Around Noon" with Dee Perry at noon on 90.3 FM. Anyone else can listen to the live streaming audio on the Net via this link at 12 p.m. June 2 Eastern Standard Time. I pray I do not eff up.

Confidential to the blog crush who has apparently been hanging around my informational website and subsequently sent me this email:

"O'Brien will be leading "Writing About Sex" on June 13 and "Writing
Accessible Fiction" on Aug. 8."

Erin, my love, is it true that on Aug. 16, you'll be combining the two
workshops into "Accessible Sex"?

Perhaps we can arrange something privately, darling. Your missive, incidentally, did not make me feel old, short, fat or in possession of breasts that are entirely too big.

The Tan in a Can is not working.


Denny Shane said...

you should find a local nudist camp to get that all over tan... that will also take care of the areas below your ankles. ;)

Toby said...

Will we be able to call in to the radio show? I want to heckle you.

Vince said...

My hands are white becaue I wear motorcycle gloves. Speaking of underware, what happend to slips? I haven't seen one of those on a real person since the '60s. I thought those were sexy as hell...

~d said...

How'd you get an question mark in your name on the flyer? I think thats cool!

Erin O'Brien said...

Denny: Yeah sure, I'd have tan ankles. But what about the sunburned tatas? Eek!

Toby: Don't you dare!

Vince: Do you wear anything else, or do the gloves pretty much make up the whole outfit? I didn't think anyone had mentioned underwear, but I do remember slips and might still have a few, although I don't think any of them are in your size. Sorry.

D: There is always a question mark by my name, be it literal or figurative.

Paul said...

"Blog crush"? Jaysus, tell that loser to get a life.

Toby said...

I don't even know the definition of heckle. Can we call in?

Le Chitelier said...

Do it Toby! Call in!

Erin O'Brien said...

Paul: Don't be so harsh, baby. Blog crushes are my favorite thing. And how do you know it's not me who has the crush?

Toby: I truly don't know if they take calls.

Here is the numbers to the station:

Phone: (216) 916-6100
Toll Free: (877) 399-3307
Audience Services: (216) 916-6301

I hope I don't eff up!

Chit: Oh sure, go on and encourage him!!

Le Chitelier said...

Don't worry, you'll be fine Erin!

jungle jane said...

i very much hope we don't have the same blog crush. otherwise i will have to call up the radio station and say odd things.

good luck erin - next step is stardom!

Erin O'Brien said...

Thanks, Chit.

Oh hell, Jane. We're all friends here. If it's the same one, we'll have a drink and a good long laugh and call it a threesome.

josh williams said...

There is no way I will be able to listen tomorrow, my office does not have speakers on its PC and I could not make the speakers work on the speakers I stole off of... But at this moment I like the option of the phone #'s so I have chance to call the station and ask you...Have fun...JW

Jesus Toast said...

First let me say how sorry I am for all the bad mojo, negative self image, anti good vibes I have unintentionally sent your way...I thouhgt you'd get, "hey we're only 6-hours away, can't we meet up and make out for a few hours" vibe I"ve been trying to send your way, but it apparently isn't working.

Secondly, thanks for the plug on your world famous blog.

Lastly, I will get in my car and drive sounth today until the radio station comes in clear enough for me to hear your angelic voice.

Toby said...

I won't be able to call unless I go home early. At the moment going home early sounds like a good idea since it's friday and all and I have no work to do. Yeah, I'm going home.

Hope Dangling said...

HEY - GOOD LUCK TODAY - i'm sure you'll be awesome and smart and funny. (Just take off your shirt if none of that works.) Have a great public radio day you sexy intellectual!!!

Erin O'Brien said...

Josh: Clearly, it is difficult being you. I understand this. It is difficult being me. I am me and I can't even get past the Erin O'Brien Chapter One Discussion Questions. Maybe I should send them to you.

JT: It would take you six whole hours? Bet I can make it in four. But baby, this is not what you will find. This is (minus Spurlock, of course ... oh, and I cut off about five inches of that hair).

Now here is the best thing I can think of to say: the women you draw look more real to me than all those real women in the fantasy photos you post. (The basketball players just look like basketball players).

And there is no need to apologize. My beleagured self esteem is not your fault.

Toby: Beer. Do not forget beer.

HD: You are so effing right. The shirt thing always works. Good advice.

Toby said...

I'm sorry, in all my selfishness I forgot to wish you well. I wish you the best, Erin. I know you'll be great. I think you should take off your shirt no matter how it's going, boobs always are a good thing.

If the guy interviewing you is suddenly lacking words, I know you'll have taken my hint.

Jesus Toast said...

I have no real concept of where you are (geographically) hence I'd obviously have driven past your location by like two hours. I know you're in Ohio. Thats south. How'm I doin? Thank you for saying the best thing you can think to say and not the worst, I appreciate that.

Good luck today. You don't need it, because you are the picture of composure and intellectual wit and charm, but good luck anyway.

Anonymous said...

i'm listening to you right're kicking ass


Toby said...

Listened in. You were terrific. Not enough time to call in. It was on my mind though.

~d said...

WOO! YAY! Than you so much for the link for us NOT in the NE !!

n said...

argh, missed it...I know you were the perfect radio guest and didn't where panties. All kidding as side I bet you did wonderfully.

jamwall said...

where in that pic is there "accessible sex?"

are the plastic bags and the twist ties for auto-erotic axphyxiation?

Erin O'Brien said...

Toby: I tried to get my shirt off, but the headphones got in the way.

JT: I am in Cleveland, Ohio, where I have been my entire life. And I take all the luck you send my way

*hands palm to palm, eyes closed, bowing deeply*

Gager and Toby: Thanks, guys. They just plopped me in front of a microphone. Had no idea how I came off.

d: Thank you for the support.

n: I would have worn panties, but I left them at your place again ... hm ...

Jam: Coupons Are Sex. And, er, yes!

Toby said...

Erin, you comment at the perfect times. What I loved best about your interview is when YOU read a little from YOUR book. There is nothing better than getting the author's perspective, tone, feeling. You are white gold!

Vince said...

The NPR program seems cool, and your appearance today added a lot of class and eloquence to the show. You even sound like a writer—but I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not?

Larry said...

I was driving home during the NPR thing. When you mentioned "adult content" I gunned my little blue Ranger to get home before my wife, intent on "googling Erin O'brian". I knew I would be either offended or titallated (sp?) As it turned out, I laffed my butt off!

josh williams said...

I missed your show, did not even have time to call in and try to make you stuu...stuu....stutttt...stutter. I had a sweet set of speakers but I was werkin' and wondering why I was so confused.
It appears you did well, as was expected, congrats. JW

Erin O'Brien said...

Toby: I hope I came off okay. Erf! And I hope I'm more gold than white tonight, compliments of the tan in a can.

Vince: I was going to do my circus-bearded lady skit, but it didn't seem appropriate.

Larry: Welcome. We aim to please here at the Owner's Manual. Come back soon and comment often!

Josh: I ... I ... I ... I m-m-m-miss ... ss ... ss ... ss ... ed y-y-y-ou.

BEAST said...

This may just be a boy thing , but If I had breasts that were entirely too big...I would be well pleased and waving them at everyone in sight.
Try cuprinol wood stain on your feet , it did a marvellous job on my shed :-)

Toby said...

Erin, you were perfect. Flawless. I'm just sad it ended so quickly. I was under the impression it was going to be the whole hour. Me and my assumptions have let me down more than not. Tell me about your canned tan, or your tanned can.

Le Chitelier said...

I missed it!
My kitty had to go to the hospital! Poor baby went into diabetic shock!
She is okay now. Still a little grumpy but doing much better.
*sniffs again*
I wish I hadn't missed you being on the radio but I'm glad to hear that you did so well. Maybe you can ease the pain of those of us who missed it by being on stickam again. Next time you do that, post something ahead of time because last time you were on I missed you by a matter of seconds!

Le Chitelier said...

Just finished reading Harvey and Eck!
I am very impressed and very glad I bought it!
May I email you my thoughts on your book? Don't worry, they are all positive thoughts but there are a lot and I didn't want to clog your comments with me babbling on about your book :)

Oh! And can I put a link for your book on my blog like I've seen other people do? How do I get that icon that is a picture of the front cover of your book?


-Le Chitelier

Erin O'Brien said...

Beast: some might say I've done that. And thanks for the cuprinol tip. I'll smell like someone's patio deck!

Toby: My canned tan is just that: canned. My tanned can? Not really, It's white like that one on the Coppertone kid.

Chit: Thank you SO much for kind words. Email me anytime at And I'll host a chat sometime soon. Promise, so stay tuned. And get well soon, kitty!

No Hassle Loans said...

Has anybody tried this Hoodia Diet Pills. I heard of the Hoodia Weightloss pills. Here is the Pure Hoodia Diet Pills or the Phentramine diet pill