Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Why I am stupid

Toothpaste Disease: The belief that there is always one more application in the toothpaste tube.

Sufferers of Toothpaste Disease often torture and flatten an empty tube of toothpaste until said tube disinte grates. They also endure severe depression when the dental floss comes to a non-negotiable end.

Container Disease: The compulsion to save all jars, containers, plastic tubs and (in severe cases) plastic knives, forks and spoons.

Persons afflicted with Container Disease also horde ketchup, mustard, tartar sauce and mayonaisse packets, as well as paper salt and pepper packets. The cruel irony of this disorder is the sufferer's inability to ever find lids that properly match containers. They also never use the portable condiments, which either get thrown away or expel their contents accidentally and unfortunately by being stepped on or squashed in a drawer.

Dishwasher Disease: The need to have the contents of the dishwasher arranged with maniacal precision.

Those with Dishwasher Disease often unload dirty dishes in order to reload them in a way that is aesthetically pleasing to them, despite the fact that said rearrangement will have absolutely no bearing on the efficacy of the automated wash process.

Doing Everything Dumb Disease: Sufferers complete normal processes in a dumb manner.

Painting a room, for example, often requires the afflictee to make eight or ten trips to the paint store. One to buy paint, another to purchase roller pan liners, another to purchase rollers, another to purchase additional paint and so on. Said trips are usually made within the same day and cause the diseased increasing frustration. Those afflicted often ask paint store clerks, as well as their own reflection in the rear view mirror, "Why do I do everything dumb?"

There are no known cures for the aforementioned diseases.

**This post originally ran in May 2006**

29 comments:

jungle jane said...

How about Cramming One Last Bit of Trash In the Overflowing Bin disease? Usually suffered by men and tardy women...

Mone said...

Except for the Dishwasher Disease I've been infectet by all of them including the trashcan Disease!
No known cures... maybe a bottle of whiskey will do?

PDD said...

PDD Disease: All of the above. Seriously!

Actually, I do have to dissagree regarding arranging dirty dishes with precision in the dishwasher. I do have a certain way of arranging them and they do come out cleaner than they would otherwise. I have proof as my husband doesn't have a certain way of arranging dirty dishes in the dishwasher and they always, always, without fail, come out not so clean. In fact, the majority of the time, they come out dirty. Seriously.

PDD said...

I also do exactly what Jane has mentioned. Seriously. I hate wasting plastic. My husband hates this habit of mine.

PDD said...

I love Mone's section on "favorite music" - Kelly osbourne. That's just brill...

Toby said...

Except for the Dishwasher Disease (I don't own one. If I did, I'm sure I'd be sick with that too) I'm infected with all of them including the trashcan Disease.

Jane, are you still curing disease? These are perfect and they aren't full of pus.

nadina said...

I need to get me some of those little disposable cubs ,dixie cups and the tooth brush holder that holds the brushes all apart and not jammed into a mug hey. I have a teenager home with mono and oh my gawd I am looking at salivia in a whole new way. Oh and my husband is the dish washer re-arranger. While he is re-arranging he goes on about how bad I am...nice.

Bill Fitzgerald said...

Edawg,

There is a cure for some of these afflictions, but it is not medication. Rather it is technology, or as I like to call it ... magic. For instance, in our bathroom, we have a magic Q-Tip container. Whenever, it runs low, I tell the Doc, and, magically, the next day it is full of Q-Tips. I don't know how it works (kinda like the Internet I guess), but I thought I would share my story to bring hope of redemption to the afflicted. If it helps just one person, it will have been worthwhile.

Stephanie Powers said...

Ok. First, I've been absent for a bit.
Second. The hole urine in an empty milk container freaked me out, too.
Third, I have been masterbated to twice while driving. Once on that illustrious stretch of West Virginian highway 77 and once on Hilton Head's 278. Both men, stretched it with one hand on the wheel. Really disturbing.
Fourth, I suffer from the dishwasher disease just for the sake of efficiency. The rest I could give a shit less about.
I have never peed while driving, nor masterbated, nor given a hummer whilst the automobile was moving with the recipient behind the wheel.
I just wanted to clarify these things from my perspective.

garrett said...

I will publish a picture of a milk carton after I have prepared it to be dispossed of in the trash in a soon-to-come post.

I finally cured myself of Teensy Bar of Soap Syndrome a few years ago. Now when I get down to where the bar of soap breaks when applied to my body with the appropriate force for cleansing, I immediately discard it and get a new bar of soap. I think Seinfeld did a bit about this. I am finally shut of the problem. It used to be quite serious.

Hal said...

You could also add the using coffee maker filters as toilet paper disease.

josh williams said...

How about spring is the season to neglect the yard work disease?

Le Chitelier said...

Wow, I am a very diseased corpse.

Erin O'Brien said...

Jane, this is the advantage of marriage, you get your dearly beloved to take out the garbage BEFORE you get to this point.

Mone, whiskey is an excellent suggestion.

PDD, I knew we were cosmically connected.

Toby, thank you for saying 'pus' on my blog.

nadina, thank you for saying 'saliva' on my blog.

Fitz, you have helped on person. It was worth while. Amen, brother.

Steph, I believe every word you utter.

Garrett, milk carton: word. and thanks, now I have to worry about teensy soap.

Hal. Let's have coffee at MY place next time.

Josh, I thought all seasons were appropriate for this.

Chit, I love dead guys.

moms viagra said...

How about "use the paper cup until the bottom falls out" disease?

Toby said...

We're all a bunch of neurotics. Maybe, I don't know. Some of us? Most of us?

Hope Dangling said...

I like these diseases. They are good. There are probably groups forming for them right now...counselors in training as we speak...affirmations of leaving the poor toothpaste alone for God's sake already....being posted all over America...right NOW! Because of you Erin. Thank you. Thank you for sharing.

Zen Wizard said...

Some say I suffer...

Zen Wizard said...

...from the last one but...

Zen Wizard said...

...I beg to differ...I think I am...

Zen Wizard said...

...remarkably efficient.

Toby said...

is there a better way to draw attention?

Erin O'Brien said...

MV: please send bottomless paper cups to me. I cut them into little pieces and use them to make mosaics.

HD: I am a Public Servant of sorts. Gets me off.

Zen: Ever.
Work.
For.
Burma.
Shave?

Toby: Crayons, maybe?

matty said...

...I have that problem where I fear I failed to lock the door. It drives me to distraction and I have to walk back up the block to test the door. ...like 8 times. Not the walk back. ...but I test the door like 8 times before I am statisfied that all is safe and locked away. Not that I own anything of value. But, I do have toothpaste!

momentofchoice said...

i guess i'm afflicted with the dishwasher disease, however it's only so that i may cram more in. and then i forget to turn it on.

josh williams said...

I had a girlfriend who could grill some great steaks, she was pretty good at it, she was proud that she had surpassed the skills of her former boyfriend. I tried to help but was not very much help, so I tried to do the dish's load the dishwasher. Big mistake, she rearranged everything in the dishwasher and explained to me in detail how a dishwasher should be loaded and what amount of detergent should be used, that before I ran the dishwasher I needed to run the hot water tap to the sink until the water was hot so when the dishwasher was turned on it was hot. All this did was not make me hot. I am no longer seeing this woman and to tell you the truth to be belittled about dishwasher loading after I helped put in a patio, windows, tile etc. I think I just grew tired.
Just let it go, I am still mystified by this condition. But what can you do when it comes to mental illness?

Ben said...

I have all of these, including the trash can one. I usually do the dishes, but my wife often helps out by loading the dishwasher. I try to stop myself from spending more than 2-3 minutes rearranging, e.g. moving glasses to the bottom shelf.

swine said...

i am afflicted with the "gas pump has to be on an even dollar number" disease--even while paying w/a credit card. you know that one. if the tank is practically overflowing after i've filled up and the amount is $39.01, i HAVE to get it up to an even $40.00.

ALF said...

That is too funny! Just yesterday morning I had to let myself throw out the empty toothpaste tube before I drove myself nuts trying to get more out of it.