Wednesday, May 17, 2006

I am a jellybean

All bean-flicking aside, I spent an afternoon drinking beer with old guys and betting on horses. I wrote the thing up and sold this resulting essay to the Free Times. You'll have to read it to figure out the jellybean reference.

I spent the proceeds on a pair of high-heeled sandals. Nice.

One conversation nugget that I could not fit into the essay:

"How old are you?" I ask one Old Guy at the track.

"I'm 84," he says.

"Got a girlfriend?" I say.

"Got me 14 of them," says the Old Guy. "How old are you?"

"I'm 41."

"Hell," he says. "You too old for me. Oldest girlfriend I got is 34."

"How many girlfriends did you say you had again?" I ask.

"Got me 17 of them," says the Old Guy.

"Seventeen, huh?" I say. "How old are they again?"

"None of them one day over 30," he says.

"That's something, old timer," I say. "What's your secret?"

"Viagra," he says. "Now, baby, who you like in the fifth?"

11 comments:

garrett said...

Come again??

Something about you "selling" a story to the "Free" Times just doesn't compute.

Vince said...

I enjoyed that article--I think I actually met that same old guy at the track last month, but he had 30 girlfriends, none of which was older than 17.

Toby said...

Old guys are the best. They're full of untapped insight and information that can not be found in any book.

My buddy, Emil c. 1919, is a blast to hang out with. He's been at the age where he feels he's paid his dues and he can do whatever he wants. He does have two relatively way young girlfriends too. One black and the other white. One about 40 and the other about 50. I've met both, so it's true. I'm sure he hops in the sack with the 50 y/o, I'm not sure about the 40 y/o. He's not rich, his savings were drained when his wife was in a home after having a stroke. Neither of the women are anyone I'd take home to meet my mom. I think they truely enjoy his company and he forsure enjoys their's.

PDD said...

Garrett: Yes, people are paid for contributing to free papers. Free indie papers etc. The advertisements pay for it. But I know you already know this and you are just being your usual smart alec self.

Okay, can't wait to read the essay girl.

Did you have to assist the old guy with his dentures when he spoke of the women he dates?

josh williams said...

I liked the essay and the old guy quotes, reminds me alot of myself in a few years.

Erin O'Brien said...

Garrett: I am free. You are free. And when I remove my brassiere, my boobies are free. Free! Free! Free!

Vince: Meet me at the last mutuel cashier window on the right. I will be dressed all in black and will be carrying a red rose. We shall travel to Istanbul by night. Bring thousands in cash. Tell no one of your whereabouts.

Toby: I knew an old guy who used to say this: "To calculate the proper age of your mistress, take your age, cut it in half and add seven." Now go and get you a calculator, baby!

PDD: Fortunately, I did not have to deal with said dentures during the intercourse.

Josh: Meet me at the last mutuel cashier window on the right. I will be dressed all in black and will be carrying a red rose. We shall travel to Istanbul by night. Bring thousands in cash. Tell no one of your whereabouts, particularly Vince.

Zen Wizard said...

That will teach you to go around trying to rob the cradle, old woman!

Toby said...

My buddy Emil "sells so much land." That's his favorite line when it comes to bullshittin. I've know him for about 20 years so I can tell when he's selling me land.

Pixie Sprinkle said...

mmmm...jellybeans....

Le Chitelier said...

I've never been to a horse race before...

Oh and,
WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
"Harvey and Eck" has arrived in the mail!!!!!! And it's way ahead of schedule too!!!!

Le Chitelier said...

Oh and no need to get nervous. I'm just really happy I have something to read :)