Wednesday, May 10, 2006


Where do I begin?

I'll start with some of my favorite quotes from the associated pages:

"Deodorizer: Automatically starts operating when you sit down and stops approximately one minute after you stand up."

"Warm air dryer: An adjustable warm air dryer provides the ultimate in relaxing luxury."

"Massage Wash: During the posterior or feminine wash, the adjustable pulsating stream of water helps stimulate the area improving blood circulation and provides a more delightful and calming spa kind of experience."

Relaxing luxury? Improving blood circulation? Calming spa kind of experience? Is that what they're calling it these days?

And what about the name?

Imagine a bunch of guys sitting around a conference room table, ties loosened, sleeves rolled.

"It's a brilliant idea Farnwarth," says The Boss, "A do-it-yourself auto-asswash for broads. Broads are always worrying about their asses."

His minions smile and nod at the sheepish Farnwarth.

"But what should we call it?" asks The Boss.

The smiles dissolve. They furrow their collective brows and pinch the bridges of their collective noses.

"Rectal Rinse?" offers one.

"Too clinical," says The Boss.

"Cleft Clear? says another.

"What clear?" says The Boss.

"Auto Blunge?" says yet another hopefully.

"I like it," says The Boss, "but it's too industrial for broads. Broads don't like industrial. Particularly when it comes to their asses."

They tap fingers. They look down. They clear throats.

Finally, the timid Farnwarth says, " ... mmm ... Cleanbutt?"

"That's it!" exclaims The Boss. He leans back in his chair. His lips curl into a smile, eyelids close to slits. "Farnwarth," he says, "I like the way you think."

Whether or not said sublime wonder is worth $549 is something you can decide for yourself:


jungle jane said...

it should have been called Asswipe...

Le Chitelier said...

With all my IBS lately, I'd be worried about the spray nozzle getting... er... splashed on.

Le Chitelier said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Le Chitelier said...

Today's to-do list:
-Goof off: check
-Check email: check
-Call pharmacy for prescription refill: check
-Wait for phone to ring: check
-Check email again: check
-Order Harvey and Eck on check
-Order The League by Mark Barnes: check
-Order Cloud 8 by Grant Bailie: check
-Stand by mailbox with the intention of waiting there for the next three days for the books to arrive: check
-Give up and go back to writing my paper like I was supposed to be doing all this time: check

...see? today has been pretty productive after all :)

PDD said...

The ASSassinator.

Erin O'Brien said...

Jane and PDD, excellent suggestions, will either of you girls be purchasing one? Maybe we three can all pitch in, buy one and use it on a time-share basis. Erm .... maybe not.

Le Chitelier: I have effed off endlessly today, I mean really effed off. But I will do one thing right before this day ends and thank you thank you thank you for buying my book. I sure hope you enjoy it.

Le Chitelier said...

Hee hee

From everything everyone says about it I'm sure I will enjoy it :)
*avidly watches the seconds tick by waiting for 5 days to pass untill the books arrive*

Le Chitelier said...

I'm just sorry I didn't order it sooner (gasp! I've gotta wait 5 days?!?!)

cookie wonton said...

Did you notice the woman in the ad? Is it just me or does she look like she's uttering a soft-core porn moan?

Erin O'Brien said...

le chit: Please let me live up to your expectations!

cookie: I was very concerned about the graphic associated with the cleanbutt site. Is this not supposed to look like a naked chick on the toilet? Are they effing serious? And who looks like that on the pot? Well, maybe a chick who's getting her zorched sprayed with warm water, then blown dry.

Effing hell.

Toby said...

Best shit talkin I've ever heard.

My next "bored" meeting on or about June 5, I'm passing out a transcript. With Erin approval of course. I second it!

Erin O'Brien said...

Thank Heaven. Toby is finally back!

Toby said...

We, you and me, have our own little private heaven. A heaven that has no borders. A heaven that promotes no violence. Most importantly, a heaven that has no gods that creates borders and violence.

Le Chitelier said...

Relax girl, it's all good. My expectations will not set you up for failure. I like reading all sorts of books and a book would have to really suck ass in order for me to be disappointed. And from what I've heard about your book, that's not the case. Besides, I'm just really impatient, when I want something, I want it now damn it! That and I am currently devoid of reading material *pouts*
Of course, a current lack of reading material probably means that I will enjoy your book even more :)

Vince said...

There's nothing like a clean butt--and who knows when you'll need it. But brush before you rinse (baby bottle brushes recommended.) Twice a day for a clean fresh taste.

Toby said...

I forgot... and cheap gas.

Erin O'Brien said...

Toby, that started out strong, baby. Very strong. But I gotta tell ya, by the time we got to "cheap gas," I was putting my pants back on. I implore you to try again ....

Le Chit: There is a vibrator in the book.

Vince: You must be very popular with the ladies. And I am so glad I never threw that bottle brush away. Now where did I put that thing?

Bill Fitzgerald said...

Other rejected titles:

Private Pumper (too militant)

The Squadouche

Pixie Sprinkle said...

Guess what Mummy is getting for Christmas!

~d said...

( OK, I admit, I have been lurking a while: but this Cleanbutt...wh0a! )
Do you get disc0unts?!

Neel said...

I have a CleanButt in my home. Warm jet stream cleansing and air dryer. I cant explain how impressed I am!

Have you seen the commercial?