Booger categories: crumbs, stringers, way-backs and "the occasional crispy." Credit: anonymous.
Advice 1: "Watch how he treats the waitress before you marry him." Credit: Erin cannot remember.
Advice 2, in response to "what is the first thing you need to know before you get behind the wheel of a car?"
"How to open a beer with one hand." Credit: Erin's father.
Quote: "Hm. I'm not sure where you could even get the video. Maybe Cockbuster has it." Credit: Hal Perry
Factoid: I own one dildo.
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16 comments:
Dear Ms. O'Brien-Nowjack,
It has come to my attention that you have, with reckless disregard and malice aforethought, continued to pilfer the nickname "cockbuster," my client coined for the really lame video store chain. Consider this your first and only warning that if you persist in using this term without permission of or royalty payment to my client, you will soon be in receipt of a letter much strongly worded than this one.
After that, I might get REALLY MAD!
So, for your own good, I advise you to cease and desist.
Sincerely,
The lawyer of the guy from whom Hal stole "cockbuster."
Dear Ms. O'Brien-Nowjack,
I am the guy from whom Hal stole "cockbuster," and although I am contacting you against the advice of my attorney, I feel it important to notify you that not only will he get really mad, but I, too, will get really mad. And trust me, you don't want that to happen.
I suggest you stick to writing about blenders, meat grinders, or whatever the hell the KB-4, was, or is.
Sincerely,
The guy from whom Hal stole "cockbuster."
Dear Ms. O'Brien-Nowjack,
My name is G. D> Spradlin, also known as "the guy who played the coach in One on One," who originated the term "up your ass with a red hot poker." Am I that much of a nobody that people can't even remember my name? Don't people remember me from Apocolypse Now? - "His idearsh, became....unshound..." "...terminate...with extreme prejudice." - or North Dallas Forty - "Conshentration, Elliot!!"
I'm sorry to burden you with this, Erin, because you have nothing to do with this. In fact, like everyone else, you probably don't know who the hell I am. So why bother?
Sincerely,
G.D. Spradlin
cockbuster cockbuster cockbuster cockbuster cockbuster
only one?
Yes, she got it at Blockbuster when she rented The Cotton Club.
Dear Ms. O'Brien-Nowjack,
It has come to my attention that, while you are dispensing various tidbits of advice and a cross-section of quotations, you have failed to include, "Nobody puts Baby in a corner!" in your selection.
I find this to be a serious oversight on your part which merits immediate redress. In the event that you fail to rectify this egregious error within 3 business days, I, too, will have no other alternative but to seek legal recourse.
Sincerely,
The Guy Who Wrote "Nobody Puts Baby In A Corner"
its harder to park and car and roll a joint at the same time. even worse if you are in the Cockbuster carpark...
CRISPY???????????
Is your dildo in the shape of a plastic sea Captian, about 10inches tall? If not I know where you can get one.
shit, i'm a day late for the live erin cam. i think i'll kill myself.
kc
Dear Ms. O'Brien-Nowjack,
For more than 20 years, I have been emotionally scarred by the fact that nobody laughed at my jokes, and that everyone thought that, while I was a nice guy, ultimately, I was as much fun as a chlymidia test. For that reason, I am granting you permission to use my pun, "Department of Cunnilinguistics," (along with the companion T-shirt) in any way you see fit. Somehow, I think you will get more laughs with it than I could ever dream of, and if that's so, at least I will know that my pun is in good hands.
Sincerely,
Stew Peckham
A friend of mine's father had a beat up old huntin' truck and he rerouted the windshield washer fluid tubes to the inside cab. He would then fillED the fluid resivour full of his favorite boubon and whenever he felt like a drink, he would push the wash button and out came the whiskey into a container he had set up.
This is all true. He was at a liqour store (keep in mind this is Mississippi years ago) and came out with a bottle opened his hood and started to pour the whickey in the winshield washer container, a man sitting on the curb jumped in a panic and said he had some washer fluid and would trade him even and explained with horror in his eyes what a waste of good whiskey this was. His dad said naw and topped her off and off to the woOds to have a few pulls and maybe hunt.
My buddy who told me this story was not spreading a 2nd hand story, I believe 90% of it! Good stuff. Your opening a beer with one hand got me started you know.
Dear Mr. Williams,
There are random and usually unintentional instances when my father's sudden passing three and a half years ago is as acute as it was the day after he died.
I have just now finished reading your post. There is not one thing I wouldn't give to slide into Dad's 1948 Willy's jeep, open a beer with one hand and tell him that story.
I bow deeply to you, sir.
Dear Erin O'Brien
Well I bet he had a great sense of humor, I'm glad you liked the story, sorry for your loss of course. I bow back and as expected we head butt because my timing is off, I apologize for the goose egg...Thanks and once again I did not expect that favorable of a response, very nice. JW
i think it's neat you have a dildo. And I liked your reddi whip party...cam party with whiskey dicks for all!!! how's it hangin sister???? (I wish i could come see you in Toledo...that would be soooooooooooooooo cool!! I would sit in the back and giggle.)
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