Thursday, February 09, 2006

On phone with writer friend

"So how you doing?" he says.

"229,075." I say. "That's how I'm doing."

"Shit," he says. "Amazon sales rank?"

"Yeah," I say.

"Shit," he says.

"Yeah," I say. "And get a load of this shit."

"What?" he says.

"Frey and his million little pieces?" I say.


"Five. Number fucking five."

"That fuck!" he says.

"I know," I say. "Fuck him. Motherfucker."

"Cocksucker," he says. "Someone needs to really fuck that hack over."

"Like go and break all the bindings on his books!" I say. "The son of a bitch hack."

"His soft covers and his hard covers!" he says.

"That's right," I say, "every book that fucker owns. Totally cracked open at the binding."

"He is such a hack," he says.

"Total fucking hack," I say.

"And did you read that piece of shit book that fucking hack wrote?" he says.

"Christ, was it a piece of shit."

"No!" he says. "It was a million pieces of shit!"

"Brilliant!" I say.

"Goddamn fucking shit," he says.

"Yeah," I say. "Fucking hell."

And so dear reader, now you know the truth about writers. This is what happens to your humble, otherwise eloquent scribes when we are angry, have not our supper or are just feeling batchy in general. We completely loose control of our usual masterful command of the language and we just swear a whole lot.

Although I must admit, there are few things I enjoy more than unchecked swearing with my writer friends. It is masturbatory and satisfying and gleeful.

Confidential to Mr. Frey: I wouldn't swear with you if you begged me, you cocksucking hack. So fuck you very much, Your Royal Assholiness.


FLAMINGO1 said...

Shit, I was certain that my purchase would put you in the top 200,000.

I love the rant about Frey. If it is any consolation I have not read his book but I have read yours.

Fuck him.

Erin O'Brien said...

Actually, flam man, Amazon numbers fluctuate wildly and daily. As I type this, "Harvey & Eck" is listed at 45,381 with a ranking of 558,921 for yesterday. No one anywhere can make any sense out of them, but authors point to them when they're good and dismiss them when they're bad.

Effing amazon bullshit. Effing Frey dickhead.

Thank you for your support.



Hal said...

Sorry about Frey...

but maybe my purchase will pad your rank a little.

Bloodgood said...

Well maybe you can set a school on fire or something, at least you wouldn't be lying to people and you could probably out sell him.

I wanted to swear too.

Stephanie Powers said...

I just need to find my fucking credit card and then I'll boost you're ratings ten fold! That fucker. If he ever hurts you Erin, you just let me know. I'll send Robert Wagner (that's what Art calls Av)after that Frey jack ass. I know what your Dad would say. He'd say, "Hey Judy, this guys a real assHOLE!" Wouldn't he? And I say, "Hey Frey, I didn't like you when you were with the Eagles and I'm not reading your fucking book now, either!"

zanytwo said...

Who loves ya Erin O'brien!!?!! We all do. Where's the love folks, now come on..... Blog about fellatio or coitus and almost 20 people comment. Come on Erin fans...give some love, some support.

Frey is a four letter word. He gets no more than that.

I loved, loved, loved your book. Going to send it overseas to a friend in London. She used to be a journalist. She'll love it as well...I am sure of that!

Hey, side bar....the other night flippin channels I saw the very end (credits actually) of a Seinfeld re-run and I swear I saw a tribute...that said, In memory of our good friend John O'Brien. It made me think of you :- ) Bittersweet.....I, too, know deep loss.

jungle jane said...

yeah. fuck frey. i will never flash my tits at him.

Satan said...

that fuckin liar is mine

jungle jane will you flash your tits at me

i have been out late drinking and carousing and now i want a little lovin

right now i could screw a republican i am so horny

where is condoleeza rice and her giant adams apple when i need a hummer

Lipp said...

Frey is a Jagoff lying douchbag

And you are not. Therefore I shall have to check out your book.(congrats on that, by the way!)

PDD said...

I have a confession: I still want to read his book. Not as much as I did before, but nevertheless, I want to read it.

Should I shut up now?

Bill Fitzgerald said...

I hate to throw sunshine on your rained out parade, but hey, at least you have a book to find on Amazon. And I am sure Oprah would like you and your book much better than him and his. Have you sent her a copy?

Hal said...

Hey Lipp, welcome to Erin land!

Anonymous said...

As the writer on the other end of that conversation (unless you had two identical conversations about the same topic using the same set of expletives), I'd like to thank you for making me sound infinitely more thoughtful and well spoken in your post than I was during our conversation. Kudos, young writer lass! Cranky writers rule!! P