Monday, February 13, 2006

Open letter to Satan

Dear Satan,

I am so Mistress of the Underworld material.

All those other chicks got nothing on me. And really, don't you sort of, like, owe me? Look at all the shit I do for you!

There was that suspension bondage thing with all those pictures (I never even told you that I had a cramp in my hip that entire time) and, okay, my license plate might not be a true vanity plate, but EH39SP does stand for "Erin has 39 sexy panties," and that is plenty vain right there.

I think we can both agree I've got the gluttony thing down. An entire bag of Chex Mix, three slices of garlic pizza, the Tagalongs and five Bud Lights in one night ought to count for something.

(shit. I can never remember all seven of them)

Oh yeah. Greed.

I'm totally greedy. Shoes. Shoes shoes shoes. Can never have enough shoes. Just spent $27.50 (on clearence at TJ Maxx, full retail $175) for a pair of stilleto patent leather boots that SO go with these horns.

And what the eff have you done for me lately?

The motorcycle guy with the leather pants (John from Pittsburgh? Albany?) was good, I'll grant you that. But, baby, that was nearly 20 years ago!

I make one hell of a cup of coffee. And a great chocolate decadence cake. People shit straight up their backs for my deviled eggs.

Need another reason? Just look at my effing eyebrows! Now those are eyebrows, not some plucked anorexic commas stuck on my forehead.

Listen Satan, all I'm trying to say is this. I have got it all going on, baby. Sure, I could have a go with JC, but he's binging, man. I don't know what is up over there. He's got no time for me. But you and me, baby? We could make something FLY. So ditch those other broads. Pick me as Mistress of the Underworld.

What do you say, baby?

21 comments:

Hal said...

I would take the Lord's name in vain 700,000 times to see you in those boots, Erin.

Yowza! Yowza1 Yowza!

jamwall said...

sweet fancy moses erin! those horns are fuckin' sexy as hell on you.

i'm coming over...

PDD said...

I say lock horns (in a kind way of course)

I say, since I am a bull I will join in the locking of the horns. What do you say to a threesome, Erin & Satan?

I want to be Satan's mistress too.

Confidential to Erin: Have I told you lately how lovely you are?

Satan said...

erin my nipples are now completely erect with excitement

the horns and boots are hot

and you know how i like hot

as part of your application i need to see you in the new boots

there are two primary reasons for this

first i like babes in hot boots

second i think we have hal on the hook and i want to pull in his soul while he is ripe

you have a solid resume and i am strongly considering you for the position of mistress of the underworld

as recommended in the interviewing process you asked me a question about the position

what i have done for you lately

good question

yes i sent you john from pittsburgh the motorcycle guy with the leather pants

thats what i do

i get you started down the road to depravity

then i sort of expect you to run with it for a while and you have done one hell of a job running with it

making people shit up their backs for deviled eggs is top notch work

by the way i love deviled eggs

while i pleasure myself with my hooves i will think about you in your horns and boots and consider your application

lust

satan
can we still do the threesome with psychic dumb dumb

PDD said...

Oh, please say yes, Erin... Please...?

PDD said...

Okay... I also want to sit on Erin's head too.

Erin O'Brien said...

photo of self in boots forthcoming ....

PDD said...

I have already spurted.

Bloodgood said...

Whats with girls and shoes????

Stephanie Powers said...

I am aghast with this offering! Erin, your mortal soul given over to the God of Hedes, Louis Cypher. You signing on with the likes of Lisa Bonet, Linda Blair, and the unwitting, Patricia Arquette. Frankly, I'd rather see you strap yourself onto Muhammad's turbine and raise a rucus at the Bush Embassy of Christian Dictatorship!

Why can't we all just get along?
Praise Bob Marley on high...

Stephanie Powers said...

Oh Jamwall - Can't stop watchin' you do your thing on that bell. Such stamina.

jungle jane said...

Erin i haven't gotten laid in a while. can i have your sloppy seconds??

jamwall said...

thank's ms. powers.

robert wagner said i could be in films and shit.

more cowbell!

PDD said...

I was just going to say the same thing as Stephanie Powers. Everytime I see Jamwall jammin away I giggle. Another person who makes my day.

Erin, have I told you lately how lovely you are?

Bill Fitzgerald said...

So you got a cramp while posing for the bondage pictures? How do you think you will feel frozen in that position for all eterntity?

kellywalters said...

you've got my vote babe!

Erin O'Brien said...

Hey, Steph, what can I say? The masturbating* housewife thing only gets me so far ...

Jane, take your pick. I will even hose them off for you.

Bloodgood: Chicks Dig Shoes.

PDD, Jamwall and Steph: Get a room already!

Goddamn, Bill, you have a point. Hmm ....

Roxi: thank you for your support.

*Satan: please do not take the masturbation comment as ingratuity.

Cupid said...

WOMAN YOU NEED TO GET LAID. COME SEE ME

jungle jane said...

oh erin, just throw me whoever is still breathing. i'm not proud...

Stephanie Powers said...

Jim & Eddy, Cheese and Crackers, I can't keep up. First Satan, now Cupid's joined the mix.

Back to the Underworld Goddess thing. Though you'd be a provocative representative, do you want to join the ranks of Evil Women: Leona Helmsly? That Brigette chic married to Stallone for 5 seconds? Nancy Reagan or Allanis Morrisett (jagged little thing). You are too Pia Zadora for all this satanic nonbsense.

Anybody up a quail shoot with Cheney this weekend?

P.S. Jamwall - Is that really you in the clip. Can I ring your bell?

Mongrel Porksword said...

I am quite anxious to see you in that outfit.