Sunday, November 23, 2008

On the hirsute virtues of Geraldo Rivera

Yesterday, this post from my favorite fool inspired me to look up the following entry that ran, ironically, exactly three years ago today. I liked the post so much, I decided to put it up again for my newer readers' perusal.
* * *

His fans claim he is a world-renowned journalist. He was surely once a daytime television talk show host that was some unholy combination of Phil Donahue and Jerry Springer. That gig earned him a live-on-the-air broken nose, as well as shows with titles such as "Men in Lace Panties and the Women Who Love Them." He hosted a prime time special that featured the opening of Al Capone's vault, which, after two hours, revealed not hordes of jewels and mysterious piles of human bones, but instead only a beer bottle and a pile of dirt. While on assignment in Iraq, he drew a map in the sand that disclosed sensitive location information to anyone with a television and, according to some reports was subsequently barred from imbedded reporting by the Pentagon. He's been called a sensationalistic hack and a monger of trash t.v.

I don't care about any of that.

Because no matter how many "Drag Queens on Parade" he shovels onto the small screen, or freindly fire locations he bungles, or how much fat he has extracted from his buttocks for injection into his face during his telecast, the only things I can think of whenever I see Geraldo Rivera are two little words.

1. mustache.

2. ride.

This does not give Rivera a direct get-out-of-jail-free trip to the short list. It does not necessarily mean that I am amenable to said mustache ride. I simply pose this: Is there any woman out there who can take one look at Rivera and not think, tickletickletickle?

Two other notables:

-Can you identify the likely suspect in in this photo?

-And although he's not well known, surely facial hair like that found on this urban myth buster cannot go without mention.

In the end, gentlemen, all I can offer is a low raspy purrrrrrrrrrrr and the assertion, viva la facial hair.

22 comments:

paige said...

Those last two ... wow.

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

lol...great entry! i used to always think about al capone's vault. until NOW. :P

thanks for stopping my recreational use. cool blog.

Dongley Shlongford said...

Ahh yes. The flavor saver.
Ms. O'Brien, as long as I have a face, you have a place to sit.

FLAMINGO1 said...

I laughed heartily (a more sophisticated version of LOL) when I saw that picture of the cast of the Today show and then spotted Gene Shalit.

My son and I call a mustache of that size and proportion a Mooostache. It's far grander than a simple mustache.

As for me, I have evolved beyond the point of unnecessary facial, back or chest (and most head) hair. I am the least hairy viking on the planet. I pray to Odin to give me the hair of the gods but to no avail.

How I shall now dream of having a mooostache for the sole purpose of becomeing Erin's face rodeo.

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

Rock on! I'll add it to my collection of books signed by their authors. Okay, I just have the one other one, but it's David Sedaris!

Erin O'Brien said...

My good Mr. Shlongford,
How nice of you to drop by, and with such charming missives at that. Do tell, did you attend the same etiquette school as our man Flamingo?
I suppose I shouldn't complain. A girl with options is a girl with the world in her palm.

Or at least something in her palm.

Erin O'Brien said...

Er, by the way there, Shlongford, forgot to ask.

Do you have a mustache?

FLAMINGO1 said...

When you're built like that guy, you don't even need a mooostache.

Sherpa said...

geraldo..rivera..

maybe i'll understand in a few years. or not.

PDD said...

Salvador Dali's always amazed me.

Shlonglord, I have never received such a sexy comment as that. How come? How come?

Dongley Shlongford said...

Sorry Psychic.
I'm always open to a game of musical chairs.

Shelli said...

Erin you forgot to mention Sam Elliot.

Check here...http://www.perfectpeople.net/picpage.php3/cpid=88601

PDD said...

I have already pressed play...

Erin O'Brien said...

Dear momstheword,

Regarding my regrettable omission of Sam Elliot,
point taken. So, so, taken.

Toby said...

Gerdildo.

I can't grow a stash, my face hasen't fully finished puberty yet. But, I can type with my tongue.

Erin O'Brien said...

Toby:

Gerdildo.

This, I like.

And your linquistic abilities clearly make up for the baby-smooth upper lip.

josh williams said...

Funny thing, this morning while showering where I shave without a mirror no less. I decided not to shave. A rare decision on a work day.On a day off I don't feel compelled to put a razor to my thoat. So I should have a full stash by noon.

James said...

I have only two words to say about the moustache:

1. Hitler

2. Stalin

If you're going to fly with face fuzz airways then why not go first class and get the beard?

Erin O'Brien said...

James! Baby!

I loves me some beard as well, but just a-cause a girl likes mustaches, doesn't mean she likes every man attached to one.

I mean, baby! You can put a 'stash on Rush Limbaugh and it's still a pig--I mean Rush Limbaugh ...

erf!

B.E. Earl said...

I've had facial hair running on 18 years now, but I've always gone with a beard variation. Goatee, full beard, big goat and chops, beard with no 'stache (the Amish) and my current favorite. The Van Dyke.

swine said...

he's an asshole. i worked on his CNBC show in the 90s. and the moustache makes him that much of a douche.

Bill the wrenchbender said...

Damn, and I just cut all my face hair off..........