Al's sausage

Dear friends,

Frequent Owner's Manual visitor Al the Retired Army Guy has delivered unto me this photo of his sausage, shaped no less into my own initials, EOB.

Here in Cleveland, we have a lot of sausages and believe me, I've got my share of sausage experience and then some. I know a righteous sausage when I see one and Al's sausage is top notch.

Al the Retired Army Guy

Look at the way the flesh fills the casing--it's stuffed to the perfect consistency. Al's sausage also has a lovely sheen and a respectable girth, which matters more than people think. That there is one long tube of quality. It may be the most beautiful sausage I've ever seen.

I picture Al's sausage framed by glistening threads of sauerkraut or nestled in a cozy bun with a thick bead of Stadium Mustard dressing its glorious length.

Imagine picking up Al's sausage and wrapping your lips around it. Imagine rolling Al's sausage around in your mouth!

~~sigh~~

Any woman would surely admire such a sausage. I daresay plenty of men would envy this hefty coil. It is a fine sausage of which Al should be proud. To that end, Al should display his gorgeous sausage for all the world to enjoy.

Thank you readers. Thank you Lord. Most of all, thank you Al, for allowing me to be part of your sausage's debut.

Love,

Erin

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Frank's Kraut Juice

A message from Princess Erin of Shitkanistan

I am moved to found a new country. I shall name it Shitkanistan.

In my new country of Shitkanistan, everyone will drink sauerkraut juice and wear comfortable shoes. Gooseliver and onion sandwiches will be popular. Women will wear men's socks and large competent brassieres.

Shitkanistanians shall be tolerant people. If the hockey people want to come over and throw octopuses around, they shall be welcome to do so. If Sarah Palin travels to our shores, the National Choir of Shitkanistan shall sing a stirring rendition of the Shitkanistan National Anthem upon her arrival. Then we shall offer her heaping platters of jellied pigs' feet and pickled eggs.

I shall name the capitol Rublinka. I shall live in the shining city of Rublinka, in a great palace with one hundred onion-shaped roofs, each swirled in shimmering stripes of gold and scarlet and azure blue.

Shitkanistanians shall enjoy certain entitlements, wondrous parks through which our swaddled tots may run and play, public steam rooms and mud baths, and free hair removal kits and breath lozenges.

Your Loyal Royal Hostess,

Princess Erin of Shitkanistan

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Mail call

Coming soon to a theater near you

GOP: THE DESTROYERS

SPEED! NEED! GREED!

STARRING: Rushie-poo LIMBAUGH, Category 5 PALIN, Baby Blue BOEHNER, Jingle Balls JINDAL, Stainless STEELE and Coldcocker COULTER!

* * *

BURN before the roiling wrath of Rushie-poo Limbaugh when he can't find his earpiece!

SIZZLE as a helplessly bound Category 5 Palin begs for abstinence-only from a merciless Jingle Balls Jindal!

GASP as a leather-clad Baby Blue Boehner fights his way through 18 thrilling holes opposite a snarling Stainless Steele!

COWER before a ravenous Coldcocker Coulter as she eats kittens!

FLY with the freedom of this no-holds-barred gang as they speed over the crumbling highways of America in fully-loaded Cadillac DTS's!

* * *

I'm working on the script. Anybody have any ideas?