Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The proper equipment

Dear inventor people,

When I do phone interviews, I have a tiny microphone in my ear that plugs into a digital recorder. Then I have a headset that goes over that so I can type the interview into my computer (and believe me "type" is a generous designation; it's more like a vague outline chock full of misspelled words and gaps which is more or less why I have to record the whole thing in the first place so I can go back and get accurate quotes). The headset plugs into the phone.

When I get the whole miserable mess wired up, I practically look like Alex in Clockwork Orange as he endures correctional programming.

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, what do I want? I want one device, dammit! It will replace my iPod, my phone, my computer, my recorder, my Flip cam, my phone cam, my regular cam, my kitchen stereo, my television, my laptop, my iPad, my electric toothbrush and who knows what else.

You can call this new device The Thinker. If you Apple people get there first, you can call it the iThink. It'll have to fit in my pocket with a screen that expands to the size of a 60" plasma TV and do every job as successfully as the components it's replacing. I want this thing built to last ten years and I want every part of it made in America. Cost: $99.99

I don't want any cards or chargers or cables or adapters or any of the other crap that's choking the hell out of my style as it is. I want one cord that plugs directly into the top of my head.

If you can't figure it out, you're a bunch of candy asses.

Love and good luck,


ps: Okay, it doesn't have to replace my electric toothbrush.

pss: If you want to call it the iErin, that's okay too.

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Marcus said...

AND it has to have a heads-up display on the inside of my glasses so no one else can see, or even know, if I'm using the web;

AND it has to have a virtual keyboard that lets me type out in front of me as if on a full-size keyboard anywhere any time;

AND it all has to plug in to my body's metabolism, so there are no battery issues, just my body working away burning the many many delicious calories I have to eat all day in order to run the entire array.

Cleveland Bob said...

I was waiting for it, and thankfully, was richly rewarded with the payoff of "bunch of candy asses".

Kidding aside, you've raised some excellent points that I'm sure some super smart bearded kid is toiling away at in Cupertino as we speak.

"iThink...it's not just for morons anymore".

Rex said...

Does it need to iBrate too? I really do need one of these so we can get rid of the power strip just for recharging phones. http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/e81a/

Erin O'Brien said...

See? I knew you people would get it!

I'm up to my ass in work this week and the tools of my trade are driving me bonkers: wires and devices and file transfers ....


Erin O'Brien said...

It needs an iBeer holder too.

Erin, stop fooling around and get back to work.

Verdant Earl said...

And here I was thinking you were a quasi-Luddite or something. I want less iCrap in my life, not more. I do want a mind/eye activated camera thingy though. That would be sweet.

Erin O'Brien said...

I think we already have that, Earl, it's called your "memory" or something. Mine doesn't work as well as it used to.

Larry said...

There is a gadget, about 6 inches long, yellow, wood and is pointy on one end. This do-dad will replace about half of your "devices". During the space race, NASA spent zillions developing a "device" that would write under water. The Ruskies just used that yellow. pointy thing a ma bob.

But... a former engineer could figure that out. BTW did you ever see the photo of eb white, typing away on his trusty Smith-Corona, in the boathouse?

Nin Andrews said...

I want one, i-everything! Sign me up!

Anonymous said...

While we're at it, let's just get a holodeck.