Friday, March 16, 2012

Bird flu


I walk twenty-some-odd miles a week and suffer any number of geese. I'd like to see one of you plastic goose people put a raincoat on a Canadian goose, or better yet, a postal carrier outfit. Those sonsabitches are mean. I hiss and make faces at them whenever I pass by. They open their miserable black bills and hiss back, the bastards.

I've heard Canadian geese are a protected species. I should stop right here and research that, but frankly, I'm just too damn tired. Someone else can research this crap. In the meantime:

Note to persons protecting Canadian geese: You're wasting your time, the miserable bastards can protect themselves. Don't believe me? Try and dress one up like an Easter bunny.

Houston, we have a problem.

Sometimes in the park, there's a whole flock of your Canadian geese. Twenty? Thirty? Maybe even more. I don't hiss at your Canadian geese when they're hanging out in those numbers.  When you've got Erin vs. 25 Canadian geese, the only one who needs protection is Erin.

Got Tippy Hedren?

If I were ever walking through one of these polite suburban neighborhoods and I saw a plastic goose decked out in a fetish bondage outfit, that would really float my boat. I could really get behind a plastic goose in a fishnet body stocking. Extra points for a gay/black leather & chains theme. Bet that'd get a Canadian goose's attention.

Yesterday four wild turkeys hauled ass in front of me and crossed the street (no postal carrier outfits, no hissing). Your wild turkeys have style. Your wild turkeys have panache.

So, what does a person think when a person sees a quartet of turkeys bouncing across the road? Bet they'd be good eats. (Style and panache only get you so far.) To be honest, I often think the same thing about the miserable Canadian geese, although everyone says this is not so, that they are not good eats. I don't believe them. I say use the trusted cook-the-living-shit-out-of-it-until-the-living-shit-is-cooked-out-of-it method. Throw some wine or beer in there, few shakes of salt and an onion or two. Slop it on a plate with a side of mashed spuds. Your Goat will eat that goose.

Anyhow, what was I saying?

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17 comments:

Erin O'Brien said...

Dear everyone who is telling me that the proper name is "Canada geese:" tough shit.

Tony Rugare said...

Have you seen the latest about a goose attacking a man?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nC2WBdYQHls

John Venlet said...

Your Goat will eat that goose.

You know what they say Erin, goats will eat anything, I mean anything, and sometimes while in drag,

Joe said...

Not only are geese mean, they shit turds like a dog all over your lawn, if you live where they congregate.

Anonymous said...

Canadian. Protect the border. I'm thinking drones could do the job.

RJ

B.E. Earl said...

Whenever I see wild turkeys I think of bourbon. True story.

Ms Amanda said...

I am terrified, absolutely terrified of birds! One Sunday morning we rode past a field that was undulating, turns out it was just a bunch of horrid Canada geese. I had to put my head down and haul ass. My racing heart and shaking hands had nothing to do with the hauling ass...
Once my husband was driving down from the hills and a pack of wild turkeys filled the road. When stopped to avoid hitting them, they surrounded his car pecking and looking in the windows.
Sometimes an emu gets loose from a farm on the outskirts of town and wanders the nearby neighborhoods.
I always have one eye open for emu when I'm on my walks...

Judy said...

I'm told if you marinate them or make jerky, it's good...Ask Goat...

Kirk said...

Know why you see more Canada geese now in Northeast Ohio than you did, say, 30 years ago? Overdevelopment. They're natural habitats are gradually disappearing, and so, as is the case with raccoons, skunks, deer even, they're now encroaching on our territory. Save your anger for the next time some developer wants to build a new housing development or shopping center, which we really don't need seeing as Northeast Ohio has been declining in population for as long as I can remember.

By the way, you might want to go to YouTube and check out Hitchcock's trailer for The Birds. It's pretty funny.

DogsDontPurr said...

A few blocks from where I live, there is a lagoon. It is surrounded by multi~million dollar condos and homes. It is also home to a very large flock of extremely LOUD and nasty Canadian geese. The Real Estate agent who sold all those properties must have been extremely charismatic. And I bet every one of those home owners has now come to regret their purchase. Especially when the geese are "in season."

Also, I have heard that Canadian geese meat is really oily and super gamey. Not something you'd really look forward to feasting on. But on the upside, you'd probably have lots of leftovers. Those mothers are HUGE.

Anonymous said...

"We are going to go through him like crap through a goose."-General George S Patton, Jr.

RJ

BTW, whenever I am reminded of kicking the shit out of Nazis I think of philbilly. He didn't fall in a grease pit or something did he?

Anonymous said...

M-80s...just a few M-80s, and the flock is encouraged to move along.

I saw some Polish geese in December. They were flying Northwest...

MR

Erin O'Brien said...

Thanks for the links and comments, gang. Seems I jinxed myself with the title of this post. I spent the better part of the day and night fighting some ol' bug. Feeling a bit better. Hope it sticks.

Now I need to see if they have that pink leopard goat coat* in the Goat's size. I think he'd look pretty.

*goat coat? how much to I love goat coat? A LOT

Anonymous said...

When I was somewhat younger I worked at Geauga Lake Amusement Park (RIP) and the geese were truly a menace, a really filthy menace, particularly in the morning when we were trying to get the park ready for customers.
There was one of the maintenance guys who was seen more than once acquainting himself with a goose by it's neck.
Nobody knew if he was going to roast it or f**k it. Given his Appalachian roots, we just prayed it wasn't both.

MR

Erin O'Brien said...

yikes!

Anonymous said...

I hope they never uncover any bodies out there. Between 1977 and 1994 I deposited my share of DNA out there...no goose...just girls......

MR

WV: operee-as in "Grand Old"...

CGuy said...

No they are not good eats... unless you render every last ounce of Chemlawn-laden fat off of them. These wretched things leave a pile of green 'calling cards' all over the parking lot where I work, and I'm sure it's all from neighboring lawns.

Left unmentioned is the traffic hazard these bowling balls pose; they'll cross any road at any time and at least here in CBus, we take that as an abdication of protected status... boy do geese leave a greasy stain on the road ;0