Saturday, February 04, 2012

The proper handling of cucumbers

Dear Readership,

Tomorrow's Plain Dealer book section will feature The Irish Hungarian Guide to the Domestic Arts. You can preview the article here. In it, reviewer Donna Marchetti references my description of the alternative use of certain vegetables, then says, "I'll spare you the details."

I won't.

Below is the excerpt to which she refers. It appears in the middle of my incomparable recipe for Hungarian cucumbers.

* * *
We interrupt this recipe to bring you the following public service announcement:

Any consenting adult is duly encouraged to use any vegetable matter as a marital aid. Please carefully consider the following guidelines for a safe, convenient and enjoyable experience. Choose firm, high quality organically grown products. Wash vegetable matter first. Carving/peeling vegetable matter into realistic shapes can make the experience whimsical and more satisfying. Any person who has used the vegetable matter as a marital aid is welcome to consume the vegetable matter after a thorough washing (of vegetable matter). DO NOT, however, serve the vegetable matter in question to parties who are unaware of the vegetable matter's previous employ, no matter how thoroughly they have been washed. Said practice is considered uncool.

We now continue with your regularly scheduled recipe, already in progress. Thank you. 
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Timeless, no?

The world needs more straightforward advice such as this. Why, it's as sensible today as it was for our great-great grandmothers (although "uncool" may have been outside their vernacular).

Thank you Cleveland Plain Dealer. Thank you Ms. Marchetti, and as always, thank you to the readership.

Love,

Erin

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11 comments:

Anonymous said...

This will be a kind of insulting question but it's been on my mind so forgive me. Once one moves beyond the colorful language all the recipes are tried and true right?


Bon Appetit.

RJ

Erin O'Brien said...

Hell no, it's not insulting, RJ.

What's funny is that the recipes are exactly how I cook them. So yes, they are tried and true to a fault. That said, they can also be vague because I rarely measure anything, which might be irritating to some, but there it is.

Anonymous said...

I didn't really think you'd publish imagined(?) recipes but it occurred to me a man can't be too careful. I mean if the widow Gildenstern shows up at my door with a bundt cake and I'm aimlessly waving around my cucumber the results could be catastrophic. Get on the shit list of the local quilting bee a man in these parts could get pretty lonely.

Anonymous said...

True question: aren't the natural juices of a cucumber liable to interact with certain other natural juices in a way that might be irritating to "God's Little Playground"? I would think that a cucumber, used for these purposes, ought to be left unpeeled...
MR

Erin O'Brien said...

God's little playground?

That's beautiful, MR, really beautiful. As for your other point. Talk to Lisa S. Lawless, Ph.D.

Anonymous said...

Never heard "God's Little Playground" before?...I am honored, truly honored to introduce you to my own little euphemism for the true secret to domestic bliss...
MR

Anonymous said...

Wait... I wanted to read the cucumber/sour cream salad recipe again. Salt... slippery little suckers. What's not to love?

tricia said...

Congratulations, Erin!

The Twisted Tine said...

I think I lost it at "God's Little Playground"...

That's either the best euphemism ever, or God had a messed up childhood.

Anonymous said...

I want some cucumber salad...Lots of onions and celery seed....
MR

Ms Amanda said...

Every time I have purchsed cucumbers since reading this I've thought of you EOB.