Saturday, December 10, 2011

Guilty pleasures vol. six: Steven Tyler

Come here Stevie baby and let me whisper in your ear.

I love your feathers and your big ol' stretchy mouth. I love that you wear fingernail polish and make up and sparkly clothes and tons of jewelry and still come off as being totally hetero. I love that you're 150 years old.

Kings and queens and guillotines.

Do I remember? Hell yes I remember. After all, I'm 100 years old.

I swear I cannot take my eyes from you whenever you tumble so gloriously through the electronic ether and into my living room via a magical LCD.

I love the way you call all those losers sweetheart on "American Idol." And those ensembles you wear? I should wear ensembles like that.

Sometimes I like to imagine you getting your hair done. Extensions and balayages and weaves. A clip-clip here and a clip-clip there. I like to imagine the way you regard your reflection with a studied critical eye as the obsequious stylist fusses away.

Goddamn how I dig you.

I don't think I ever loved you more, though, than when the fam and I were moving through the cavernous dusky rose portion of the queue for Disney's Rock 'n Roller Coaster and your screechy voice blasted from unseen speakers as the bovine-like crowd inched along.

Pink, it's my latest obsession.

Oh Stevie! Did you really just say that? You naughty naughty boy!

I love that your real last name is Tallarico. I love that you have a plumpo daughter and a non-plumpo daughter and that they're both famous hotties.

Hey! Wiki says that your dad was part German. So was my Mom! And your birthday is March 26. Mine is on March 31. OH MY GOD. Stevie--you Demon of Screamin' you--we are practically related.

If we, like, really knew each other, would you let me borrow some of your stuff, like, a skull necklace or one of your hats?

I so love you, baby.

*  *  *


Glass Houses said...

I also love Steven Tyler. I have missed every opportunity so far to see Aerosmith, because he keeps falling off of stages and canceling tours.

twinkly sparkles said...

I've never seen American Idol, but maybe it's time to start watching.

He's not so smart, but certainly he is smarter than the rest of the band.

How about the song "Seasons of Wither?" Is that ridiculous or what? On the album in high school and even on into college, over and over and over....

He is incredibly sexy, except maybe when he was falling down drunk. Sober Steven is sexy.

I love him long time.

Erin O'Brien said...

Glass! Glad to see you back here in the comment section.

GAWD, Twinks, I remember listening to that "Toys in the Attic" album endlessly in my girlfriend's bedroom as we smoked clandestine cigs.

As for sexy, dunno. He does have that je-ne-sai-pas though.

Joe said...

My birthday is March 20 -- does that makes us cousins or something? I can't sing at all. My fashion sense is more Nike T-Shirts and faded Levis. I don't even own a skull necklace. I have never been on TV or the radio. I do have a daughter, she is neither thin nor plump. My family heritage is German!

Me and Steve are pretty much the same, otherwise.

Erin O'Brien said...

Joe, if you can replicate the action at the 25 s mark in this vid, you're in.

philbilly said...

RE: Photo of Tyler's daughter;

I have no words.

Kirk said...

"Every time when I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face getting clearer
The past is gone
It went by, like dusk to dawn
Isn't that the way
Everybody's got the dues in life to pay"

--Dream On

Erin O'Brien said...

Phil, confident?

Kirk: how funny to think that "Pink" came after that!

Bill said...

Phil, in denial?

Al The Retired Army Guy said...

For me, as a bass player, Tom Hamilton's lines in "Sweet Emotion" are timeless. Great band, great music.


philbilly said...

Actually, Erin, I think I would be stammering and sweating a bit and trying not to stare at those magnificent...Oh,heh heh, I see, you meant Ms. Mia, yes?

Confident, yes, and why not, she's got more curves than Highway 129, The Tail of the Dragon. Not a speck of cereal. I may be trying to give up corned beef, but I do likes me a Rubens now and then.

twinkly sparkles said...

Wait a minute, Erin. I thought guilty pleasure was all about sexy, even if you are a liberated woman.

He was always a hottie: cross-dressing, dirtier than Jagger, almost as pretty too. Black shredded shirts and low-cut pants. leaving just enough to the imagination. What's a guy got to do?

Are you saying you don't find him sexy? Maybe this has to do with him in his current manifestation, but like I said, I haven't seen him close up in a long time.

When we visited the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame, I was shocked to read how dirty the lyrics to "Walk This Way" are. I thought that was a family museum. The shock!

Oh, and the other song played endlessly? "Back in the Saddle." I wouldn't mind being his mic stand for just one song...

Erin O'Brien said...

Hi Al.

Phil, HW 129 might be a good reason to (gasp) cross the Mason Dixon line. And I love that I can order a hand-painted reproduction of "Angelica and the Hermit." What would Rubens say about that?

Twinks: The thing about Tyler and American Idol is that I never cared one thing about either until they came together--a perfect pop culture confluence. "Idol" is the perfect place for a guy like Tyler to go to die. He looks cool, doesn't have to take himself too seriously, and can wear feathers in his hair at age sixtysomething.

It's beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Don't be comin' up with ideas to cross the Mason/Dixon. When the natives find out they'll want to build a fence. Frkn interlopers.


Anonymous said...

I also prefer the plump daughter. Liv is cute, but Mia is SEXY...

dean said...

I suspect that you love Steven for the same reason I love the Stones, which is that we both know that rock n' roll isn't about about pretty harmonies and who can play the fastest guitar solo, it's about sex and love and pain and death and sex and sex. It's about the stuff that really makes the world go round, not that fancy-ass art school shit. Tyler gets that. Jagger gets that. You get that. I get that.

I'm going to listen to 'Exile' now.

dean said...

PS: Mia is hot.