Thursday, October 21, 2010

Guilty pleasures vol. four: Suze Orman

I love Suze Orman.

I am hypnotized by her white teeth and eyeballs. I'm dazzled by her orange John Boehner tan.

Have you seen the outfits this chick wears? Those shiny leather jackets. The yellows and oranges and purples. And dig the coordinated jewelry--two perfect gold drops at the ears and another at her throat. I can never figure that sort of shit out.

I totally love it when Suze calls people "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" --the way she grins and leans forward a little bit, like she's flirting, even though she hardly has any time on account of having to fit all the segments into her show. And that she flirts with everyone--chicks AND dudes--even though she's gay? I love that.

I love it when Suze talks directly to me via the camera, even though I'm not the poor schmuck who is a zillion dollars in debt, unemployed, and wants to take a $10,000 Paris vacation.

"You are DEE-NIED!"

I secretly want to be on the "How Am I Doing Segment," just so I could hear Suze give me a financial "A" and tell me I'm really fucking great. (Of course, I'd never actually go on for fear that she'd really give me a C+ or worse.)

Once Suze said this to a caller, "Get down and dirty with me, girlfriend!" with this sort of naughty look on her face and I thought that was great. Once she called a caller named Julie "Jules." Once she called a caller named Brittney "Brit."

I wonder if she'd call me "Er." I would so love that.

"Come on, Er, what do you want to buy?"

When Suze Orman talks about serious financial matters like Roth IRA's, my eyes glaze over and I stare at her hair. Her hair has so much hairspray on it, it looks like a helmet.

Shit. I need some hairspray like that.

On that "Can I Afford It" segment, I love it when Suze says, "show me the money, boyfriend!"

Suze Orman is from Illinois, but for some reason, I suspect she's part Canadian. I love that.

I love Suze Orman.

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Sausage Fingers said...

Have you seen the SNL parody of her, it's hilarious.
Cheers, Sausage

Bill said...

"Suze; can I afford to send $1million to Media Matters?" "Yes Mr. Soros! You go boyfriend!"

dean said...

You love that she's part Canadian? Or that you suspect she's part Canadian? I am not sure which.

Never got the Orman, personally. She seems too hollywoodteflon to be even part Canadian.

Contrary Guy said...

accckk... Suze sucks, as does everybody else associated with CNBC. It is funny though that she has more style than the CNBC dayshift whores like Becky Quickie and Caboose Cabrera.

kamper said...

Right, you love her til she cuts your marital aids budget to ZERO!!

Daniel said...

Her teeth and eyeballs scare me.

Erin O'Brien said...

JEEZ! I never thought the Suze would evoke so much controversy.

I suspect she's part Canadian, Dean--even though I'm not really sure what that means.

VideoDude said...

Since you made the "political" coment Bill: "Suze can I afford to send $1 mil to the Chamber Of Comerce and another $1 mil to the Rupub Governers Assoc"? Yes Mr. Murdock, you go boyfriend!

Except Mr. Soros doesn't have a whole media empire to use to lie about the Repubs like Murdock!

Bill said...


"Suze, can I afford to spend another Trillion Dollars of the taxpayer's money,money that doesn't exist, on stuff that doesn't stimulate anything?" Yes Mr. Obama, you go boyfriend!

Erin O'Brien said...

Dear Er,

Sorry you had to find out this way, but what can I do? There is no sense of humor left in the human race, so why not take yours and drown it in a bottle and a half of whiskey. After that, take a nap and write something really shitty for money.



HeyJoe said...

I repeat: WTF is up with her neck?

Bill said...

Dear Er: Of course there is plenty of sense of humor left in the human race and you bring it out in many of us.

Vince said...

Herself and Ellen are certainly off the same shelf in the looks department.
I've seen her on the telly here in Ireland a few years ago, when she said that most people even the middle-class were five paycheques away from pure poverty.
Little did she know wnen saying it that the finantial shit was about to hit the fan of a aero engine. But she was certainly puting out warning flags .

Anonymous said...

I'm with you Er, I love her.

Kalei's Best Friend said...

definitely from Chicago and when I googled her :
it also stated she is gay... had no clue, did u?

Anonymous said...

Rant about CNBC wall street shills.

I do believe Suzie is virginal when it comes to men.

I would plow Becky Quick. My idea of a stimulus package.


Bill said...

Yep. Becky Quick does it for me too!

Bill said...

"Suze, can we afford to hire another commentator?" Yes NPR, we'll continue to fund you as long as you don't tolerate anything other than lib viewpoints. You go girls"

Anonymous said...

So THAT'S Suze. For decades I've thought it was Martin Fry from the 80s pop group ABC

philbilly said...

In a land far away in a time long since forgotten, I made out with a Newfy girl in an afterhours bar in Toronto that was called the Matador Club. They served only plastic cups of Pepsi, eh? with a bowl of ice on a tray. Bewildered at first, I sat in a church pew like the others, watching a snot-slinging drunk country band doing justice to Lou Reed behind a chicken-wire Blues Brothers projectile shield. At one point, one of the largest meanest looking humans I have ever seen stood by me and glared down at me. I did not fuck with him, he walked away.

Seeing my confusion, a good Canadian fellow explained that the bouncer had come by to "slip me a mickey" on the sly, one pint of Old Overholt rye whiskey, citing Commonweath liquor laws and such. He then took my 20 $US and returned with said rotgut. Over hideously delicious drinks, he told of his fondness for the US, having been a student at Kent State for a time.

After introducing me to the lovely Newfy girl, he wandered off, and Newfy girl and I communicated through friendly kisses and friendlier gropes. At some point in the wee hours, the rye mercifully gone, I bid the fair Newfy girl ado, and tottered down Spedina street to have a fresh bagel on the sunrise walk back to my hotel.

Later that same day, I crossed over to Olympic Island for Caribana and endless steel drum and soca music. I love Canada. And Canada loves me.