I'm trying to reach around her and her cart in order to get a lousy cucumber. GOD FORBID she should inch her cart forward to free up the space in front of the bin I'm after.
Broad's got a little kid with her, who is fingering every shiny green vegetable within her reach, to which (of course) Mom is oblivious.
The kid starts pawing on the jalapenos, which low and behold, finally gets our darling Stepford Wife's attention.
"No, Brittany, No!" She bellows, dropping her lone green bean. "That's a hot pepper. It's loaded with dangerous oils. We never ever touch a hot pepper!"
She proceeds to fish a foil packet from her purse, frantically tears it open, pulls out the sanitized wipe and starts scrubbing the kid's hand. The kid stares off vacantly with a slacked jaw.
No, I didn't tell the miserable off. (Did it ever occur to you that the general population does not appreciate your kid's snotty hands all over the vegetables not to mention your own on the reject beans [no doubt rejected for some invalid and candy ass reason] and on top of all the ways you're showing your kid to have zero concern over anything but her own needs, you've nixed any chances of her ever enjoying a decent pepper dish [for no goddamn reason as there isn't any goddamn pepper oil on the outside of that jalapeno] and she'll likely grow up to be one of those silly little broads wrinkling her nose and saying, "eeewwww!" every time she's served something other than a sandwich made with processed ham and Wonder Bread?) Yes, I rolled my eyes and made a big HUFF noise. (GOOD CHRIST, lady, you are a candy ass.) No, she didn't notice.
Behold everything that is wrong with America.
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Your humble hostess concedes that when cleaning, dicing and deseeding large quantities of hot peppers, the residue can stick to the hands, thereby putting the act of manual self-stimulation in peril. In such a case, your hostess advises you to vigorously rub a liberal amount of olive oil on your hands, which will dissolve the oil, then wash with soap and water. Test heat of fingers with tip of tongue and repeat as necessary before employing fingers elsewhere on the body.*
The reader should not infer that his humble hostess has any personal experience with manual stimulation and hands contaminated with hot oil begotten from preparing, say, Hot Hungarian Lecho,** or any other such dish.
*This method is also effective in the removal of tree sap from the hands.
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