Monday, September 13, 2010

Guilty pleasures vol. three: Cool Whip

It would not have been difficult to prevent.

All I had to do was reach into the shopping cart and remove the offending tub in one definitive swoop. My husband (aka The Goat) had slipped it in there.

The Goat, at over six feet tall and composed mostly of muscle and goat fur, is entitled to such indulgences. Furthermore, he could eat buttered bacon every day of the week and it would not elevate his cholesterol. It's a little different for me (my cholesterol once clocked in over 350).

Nonetheless, I acted as if I didn't notice and now we have a tub of Cool Whip sitting in the fridge. What can I do?

First, I outwardly (and I daresay pathetically) protested (Cool Whip! You bought Cool Whip?) while covertly getting accustomed to the idea of it. The assimilation period quickly dissolved into wanting to dunk something into it (it's Cool Whip for chrissake).

Hello Keebler fudge striped cookie (pictured above).

While chewing same, I made the ill-advised decision to read the ingredient list, which I do not recommend. Stay instead, dear reader, within the soft soma-like cloud of don't-ask-don't-tell denial. Enjoy this "rich & creamy" treat in blissful ignorance and abandon this post now.

**spoiler alert**

This stuff is made with hydrogenated oil. It's not even partially hydrogenated. This is whole-hog hydrogenated. It's like the Titanic tanking in your aorta. On top of that, it's loaded with high fructose corn syrup. But perhaps my favorite ingredient is: "beta carotene (color)."


Um, Kraft Foods? THIS SHIT IS WHITE.

None of this deterred me from eating the goddamn fudge-striped cookie/Cool Whip monstrosity (and the two that immediately followed), but a few days later I also creating a hellish "sundae" with vanilla ice cream, crushed pretzels, coffee syrup, dry-roasted peanuts and yes, a massive dollop of Cool Whip.

The worst part of it is that the Cool Whip will linger in my cabinet long after as its fatty particles have firmly attached themselves to the walls of my arteries. Being a Woman in Cleveland, I have to save the empty Cool Whip container, into which I will deposit leftover potatoes, sausage and sauerkraut to dispatch to my father-in-law, who will dutifully return the container to me.

Said too-good-to-throw-away container activity will continue for six to 12 months (or longer), until the lid suffers a massive injury (read: crack) and I can finally recycle it (although my mother has been known to use tinfoil to cover a still-good-enough-to-use Cool Whip container that has lost its lid--I have not advanced to this level yet).

And that of course brings me to the dreaded Bag Disease.

* * *

Guilty pleasures vol. one: Mark Dacascos

Guilty pleasures vol. two: I am ... I said

* * *


Bill said...

Erin said "...this bag is like a bahx" Love that accent. The vid is very Any Rooneyish. I bet that cool whip container, filled with left overs, was sent to your father in law in a used brown paper bag. Right?

Anonymous said...

Dear Bag Lady,

You have ghosts.


Don't believe me? Look at 1:08 and 2:42 on your video. You're gonna try and blame that apparition on Lil O'B, but I ain't buyin' it.

Just Another Girl said...

I love Cool Whip. They actually make it around these parts. I, too, have many of the containers stacked in my cupboard just waiting to serve a purpose. It's really good in a mug of hot chocolate too!

Anonymous said...

Did you know that TRANS fats only occur in PARTIALLY hydrogenated oils? In the case of your cool whip, since the oil is completely hydrogenated, it's free of trans fats!

Kev D. said...

You should put the leftover potatoes in while there is still some cool whip left. It would probably help preserve them, maybe forever.

Kate Collings said...

Firstly every time you wrote Cool Whip I almost peed myself laughing because of Stuies accent in Family Guy! Hilarious. Youtube it if youve never seen it. You'll never say it the same again.

Secondly OMG the bags, the bags. Whilst stunningly beautiful I have to say you brought back some memories of my mothers hoarding days where she keeps every bag and trinket in site. Seriously though they are beautiful step away from the bag baby!

Thirdly the whole ghost thing. Eeek. The movements behind the door were identical both times. Interesting.

Take care
Kate Collings
xx - always welcoming new followers, guests, and comments xx

Karen Sandstrom at Pen in Hand said...

Cool Whip. Directly out of the container. With a big spoon. Nothing else. Except perhaps Neil Diamond.

philbilly said...

I was skinny for almost 30 years, eating 4-7K calories a day. I had a body sculpted by meat, alcohol, very heavy lifting,repetitive motion and slam dancing. Around the age of 29, a voluptuous blonde lassie once referred to me as "perfect".

Around 32, it all started to change. I also noticed, but didn't connect it, that I didn't like the taste of ketchup, pop and many other foods as much. This was the time that HFCS and transfats were rammed into the US food supply. To be sure, my corpulence today is my fault, and without Korporate additives I'd still be a lardass.

But I will tell you that as I am now cleaning the Korporate crap out of my diet, my joints don't hurt and I sleep better. A little Cool Whip in strategic places can be great, but I beseech my fellow 'Merkuns to drastically reduce the HFSC and altered oils in your diets and crank up the fruit and fiber. When I do eat like days of yore, I'll down a couple fish oil caps. My guess is the body alternates between inflammation and counter inflammation, and uses saturated and unsatured oils to trigger the effects. The American diet was at one time roughly 1:1 sat vs. unsat oils, meat from grass fed animals is near that ratio as well. Our diet today is around 20:1 sat vs. unsat.

Or, possibly, I'm completely full of shit.

joanne Meincke said...

I myself prefer to operate under the delusion that Cool Whip FREE is the healthier alternative and therefore you can eat more of it. This is borne witness when one opens my plastics cupboard, and is attacked by a toppling army Cool Whip FREE containers (and margarine tubs).

One of them is currently mending the error of its ways in the fridge however, holding truly healthy Homemade Broccoli Soup.

When they become lidless, plastic wrap and a rubber band is my fix of choice.

I love your Fudge Stripe Dip recipe, however years of eating that way now have me on sugar free jello and oatmeal. But it was great while it lasted!

WV- wingsliz. Don't have a meaning for it, but it's sure fun to say!

Erin O'Brien said...

Bill, I'm sending all my bags to you.

GTZ: That has to be Jessie. Boo!

Girl: Hailing from the home of Cool Whip. Fabulous!

Anon: Thank you, now I shall shovel that ol' Cool Whip in without remorse.

Kev: I wonder how long Cool Whip takes to mold. I wonder if ANYONE has ever found out.

Kate: GAWD. After reading your comment, I tossed a bunch of containers. Don't let me become a hoarder!

Karen: for some reason, I'm thinking wooden spoon. Or maybe a soup spoon. I could even imagine the spoon half of the salad-tossing set.

Hi Phil, I'll bet someone out there still thinks you're perfect. We've never met, but I think you give pretty damn good comment.

: )

Joanne: I love that you called it a "recipe." And don't think I haven't seen the plastic wrap/rubber band trick, lady!

jonas said...

Kate, you stole my thunder...

Daniel said...

This is the first time that the "nutritional" value of Cool Whip has ever been brought to my attention.

I've never had the slightest bit of guilt about eating half a tub of that stuff in one sitting...

Not that I do this. That often. Or anything.

My word verification for this comment is "glagob". I'd totally like to glagob some of that Cool Whip right now.

Erin O'Brien said...

Kate, Jonas, that vid was hilarious. It's true--now I want to say Cool-hhwhip.




Daniel: gimme a gl-hhagob of the Cool-hhwhip, please.

Anonymous said...

Cool Whip is better than "pistol whip", at least.

Amy L. Hanna said...

trown sez:

Heavy whipping cream, sugar, bowl, mixer.
No Mystery Gelatinous Concoction of Conglomerate Namesake to fret over.
Try it sometime.

Dudesworthy said...

That bag video was great!

It suggests that through superior design and construction, a disposable object, such as a bag, may transcend its own nature and become undisposable.

I may have misunderstood the rules concerning bag re-use but still... surely you could regift them? And if you can't then, couldn't you throw them away? A bag is a functional object and if it has no use then it has no value, or is this something that defies logic?