Saturday, June 05, 2010

Dear People without Televisions,

As I sink into my nest of pillows and blankets on the couch every night before Iron Chef, The Office, America's Next Top Model, Community, 30 Rock, etc., I know this vapid fare does not make me a better wife, mother, voter, cook, or sex partner. It only serves to dull my mind as well as my body.

"Hey baby? Grab me another Bud while you're in there."

Thereby I concede: I lose, you win. You are a better person than me, wholly entitled to that smug expression. Your kids are not mentally flattened by the likes of Spongebob and Hannah Montana. Their impressionable young minds are not swirling down the toilets of the Jersey Shore.

Can we be done with this now?

Because if one more television non-owner comes up to me and manages to find a way to inform me of their non-television ownership status within the first 30 seconds of our initial meeting, I'm liable to let loose a serious string of expletives.

It is obnoxious when you say, "Well--heh-heh--having not owned a television for the past 12 years ... " three seconds after I've extended my hand and introduced myself. Did you fail to notice that no one mentioned Satan's box or any of its relevant contents? And no, your jolly self-deprecating tone does not help. At all.

Remember when the first People With Cell Phones felt the need to say, "I'm calling you on my cell," at the beginning of every conversation? That is you, except they have faded, you have not.

Now for the bad news, sugartits. Having a television set is no longer relevant. You can watch mind-sucking slop online 24/7. Courtesy of a high-speed internet connection, the Cartoon Network will gladly deliver unto you Courage the Cowardly Dog starring in "Son of the Chicken from Outer Space" in all of it's glorious mediocrity.

Gee, you're in a tough situation. You either give up involvement in the modern world or try desperately to differentiate yourself within it. Because, whether or not you choose to dip your intellectual ladle into the barrel of online sewage is irrelevant, baby. Your choices are limited.

You could simply banish the evil Internet from your life, thereby joining the ranks of Aunt Gertie and Uncle Fred. Buy a cane while you're at it so you can shake something at the kids while you croak from the screen door, "Hey you kids! Get off the grass!"

Here's my advice: Come over to the dark side, if only for a moment. Click on, log in, drop down.

Behold a darling bevy of 16 and Pregnant mother's-to-be, or the luscious queens of RuPaul's Drag Race. Do what you do best and wax superior when the hellish reality of Hoarders comes spilling from your sleek iMac. Have an innocuous tab at the ready (Salon, HuffPo, or perhaps Epinion's latest commentary on Samsung's DualView digital camera). When the Missus wanders in to see what your chortling over, with one clandestine click, you'll temporarily banish Snookie & Co. until you are alone again with your new little friends.

You have another option. You could revamp your clever unlike bottom feeders like you, I don't have a television speech to sound more like this: "Although I'm completely savvy regarding today's online media, I never, ever use my Cox DOCSIS 3.0 enhanced wireless ultimate high speed connection to watch (ahem) television shows."

Only trouble is, no one will believe you.

* * *

25 comments:

glittergirl said...

thank you! i LOVE tv!!!

the smuggies who love to tell you they don't have a tv in their home can go to hell.

i watch "housewives of..." without shame!

Bill said...

I'm with you all the way on this one E. As I post this on my laptop, the TV is providing me with much needed coverage of the Belmont Stakes.

Erin O'Brien said...

Don't get me wrong, I don't think one thing about someone who doesn't have a tv or doesn't watch the one they do have. I only take issue with the ones who act as if their nontelevisionocity makes them BETTER than me.

g. said...

My Buffet includes Hoarders; Toddlers & Tiaras; Mad Men; 16 & Pregnant; and Modern Family.

And, as you know, I'm a friggin' genius, Erin - the quasi-Intellectual Elite can just suck it.

And on that note, I'm off to chug a PBR.

Amen.

Bridget Callahan said...

You know, the thing is, people always end up mentioning the non-tv thing as I'm talking about something really cool or interesting that they KNOW NOTHING ABOUT BECAUSE THEY DONT WATCH TV.

Bill said...

If you don't have a tv, you're nuts. If you have one and don't watch it, you're more nuts.

Once Known as The Badger said...

Did I tell you I don't have a tv? ...cough, cough...

Please, put the bat down!

Erin O'Brien said...

Actually, Badge, that's the point: you don't go around with a 10' by 10' sign announcing that you don't have a tv. In fact, I don't think you've ever mentioned it.

I wrote this after I met this person and they tell me they don't have a TV about 16 seconds into the conversation, even though I hadn't said one thing about TV.

That's what makes me crazy!

Jim do little said...

I have 4 TVs, I just don't watch TV on them. I stream netflix and otherwise watch DVDs of my choice, when I want to watch them. I get my news off the internet but buy the plain dealer for the crossword. I just don't want to be on my couch at 8 o'clock to see whatever! Where does this put me?

Bill said...

Is watching news clips from ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, MSNBC, FOX, etc, on your computer, the same as watchng TV? Just curious.

I started watching TV when I was a kid in Albuquerque. Since we didn't have one I had to watch at my neighbors house. Of course it wasn't because we didn't want one. We just couldn't afford it. I still don't get the reason for not having a TV. Having one doesn't obligate you to sit on the couch at 8 o'clock.

I can't imagine, for example, someone calling me one morning to tell me to turn on the tv because 2 planes have flown into the world trade center and I say, "I don't have a TV."

Just sayin. Isn't it un American to not have a tv? (joke)

Mr. L said...

ah...fond memories of people I knew who claimed to "never watch TV", though anytime you drove up to their houses there it would be: the tell-tale blue glow in the window... LOL

Anonymous said...

courage the cowardly dog is the creepiest cartoon EVER.

Oh yeah, baby, I have a TV. And I know how to use it!!

jo

Bill said...

anonymity enables us to be more courageous than we would otherwise be. don't you just love it?

Peter Dietz said...

Its not that I don't like TV, or people who watch TV.
Its that I don't like when people who watch tv, spend their time away from the tv, talking about tv.

--Example--
ME: Hi everyone, I just got back in to town, whats going on?
Everyone else: Hi... Did you see that episode of {SHOW-NAME-HERE}
ME: Uhh,, {smug-comment-about-no-TV}
Everyone else: Ohh... {turns away and talks to someone else about tv}

I'm just hoping that the TV-watching clique can meet me in the middle, perhaps talking about current events or types of cheese?

standing on my head said...

i have a tv, i just don't turn it on much. i don't think that makes me a better, or worse, person. that's just my preference, partially because i don't sit still well for long stretches. i read, and noodle around the internet. so be it.
it does confuse people, though, when they ask me if i've seen a show that, not only have i not seen, i've never heard of.

Erin O'Brien said...

TV Shows I Have Never Watched:

Lost

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

The Simpsons

A Bunch Of Others

Amy L. Hanna said...

So long as I'm on the premium tier my choices ain't THAT limited, baby. I loves me some current gold like Treme on HBO, reruns of Monk, JAG, King of the Hill and oh yes, Indy racing on Versus to name just a few.

Long live the so-called Idiot Box.

Bill said...

I thought everybody watched Cops! I hate HGTV. I mss the Sopranos. I don't watch much soccer but am really looking forward to the world cup.

Big Mark 243 said...

I think you missed out on the first few years of 'Buffy' with Sarah Michelle Gellar. That was some good couch potato time!

Just Another Girl said...

I think I have to take exception to what Bill said. I own a TV but very rarely watch it. My kids on the other hand......... if it weren't for them I probably wouldn't need a tv. Yes, there are shows I enjoy but I would rather read a book or not be home in the first place. I do realize though, different strokes for different folks. And I love Cops!

Glass Houses said...

My least favorite are the people that smugly brag about how their children have never been exposed to TV...thereby insinuating that because I watch television while my infant is awake, I am a bad mother.

To them I say; Fuck you.

I used to read. I used to read all the time. You wouldn't catch me without a book. If I wasn't home reading I was out. I had a VCR. You hear me? A God Damn VCR. You know how outdated that technology is?

Now I have an active 4 month old baby. And I'm a single parent. Which means if the child needs a bottle or a diaper or just to be held, I'm it. You know how hard it is to hold a book and an inquisitive baby at the same time? So I sprang for cable. Because now that I don't go out every night I can afford it. And because if my only entertainment, ever, was watching my daughter blow raspberries at me and play with her toes I would go insane. (Not that she isn't adorable when she does that. She is. You get my point.)

Dudesworthy said...

This is highly topical for me, I am totally having a televisual crisis.

I used to watch my idiot-box like most folks but I only followed a few shows, and now they've all ended.

I was really into Lost but now its ended so I got nothing (apart from the occasional rerun of T.J. Hooker and Ironside).

I need a new show! (Suggestions are welcome!)

Bill said...

Dudesworthy: Suggestion: Tune your TV to the Fox News Channel and then get on blogs that hate FSN. Make comments about how lame the left is. You can have lots of fun and learn something at the same time. You might learn that Fox sucks or you might think they're great but you will have a reaction. You're welcome

Bill said...

Not FSN but FNC.

CherylT said...

Hilarious. Found you on Zimbio. I'm your latest follower.