Thursday, March 18, 2010

Big One Leg and Von Huffer

I go to a local gym that has a sauna and sometimes I like to sit in there and sweat until I can't stand it anymore. It is weird to be in a little room with a huge window sweating in your bathing suit with a bunch of strangers. That said, they are not strangers for long.

There's the one guy in his seventies with only one lung who speaks with a German accent.

"I only got da von huffer," he will explain while he shows you the scar that was created when his lung was removed.

When the ladies' swim class starts (the pool is right in front of the sauna) and all the old dolls come out with their skirt swimsuits and rubber caps with flowers, the one-lung-German-accent guy says, "Here come da vah-ter buffaloes."

The sauna/pool guy I respect the most, however, is Big One Leg. He's also in his seventies and clocks in somewhere around 350 or 400 lbs. He's so big that when he passes in front of you, you actually notice how long your view has been obstructed, sort of like when an elephant goes by in a parade just when you're trying to check out the hottie on the other side of the road. Dude is BIG, and as you might expect from my nickname, Big One Leg only has one leg.

It's really something to watch Big One Leg come out in his giant swim trunks and lumber over to the pool. Then with no small effort, he gets himself situated on the edge, removes his prosthesis, sets it aside, then plops into the water and swims around for awhile.

I find it ironic that the one-lung-German-accent guy doesn't call him a vah-ter buffalo.

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Miz Dinah said...

He sounds just like my friend's father-in-law. I can actually picture him saying that in the same accent. He has both huffers, however.

Kirk Jusko said...

Sounds like you're the youngest one in the place.

LimesNow said...

This is irreverent, but you started it, Erin. I am put in mind of a line from Thelma & Louise: "You could park a Mack truck in the shadow of that ass."

Ms Amanda said...

I swim a few times a week at our local pool. I love to sit in the hot tub and people watch after my laps. I have a Ms One Leg at my pool and about 85 Mr. What The Fuck Were You Thinkings'. You know, old guys in Speedos. It's like a train wreck. A sausage train wreck, that is. Mostly vienna sausage at that, partially obscured by round, firm stomaches.

Mr. L said...

I've met a few people with only one lung, and it seems to me they all like to tell you "ya know, I only got the one lung" or some variation. Are they required by law to announce it? :)

paul bitzan said...

I coult zit ahrount alles tag lishtening to zee aldes volk zhat shpick vis zee Chermahn accent.

Zehr gut, ja!

Anonymous said...

Reckon von Hoffer could take One Leg in race?


The Expatresse said...

Sauna in swim suits . . . [shudders]

JBlank said...

Ah hell! That is a lot of fun right there.

Matt Conlon said...

Sounds like he may be a baron of some small section of Shitkhanistan.

Baron Von Huffer.

Or perhaps a Duke?

Big Mark 243 said...

When a cat whom by sight, should be less hardy, but can do something that YOU CAN'T, gets much respect.

The big boy can swim with a single leg... maybe better than the German cat could with two... EVAH.

That will humble a cat right quick. So he picks on the ladies, and chuckles to himself. But when he steals a glance at Big Boy (is that the one that was dropped on Nagasaki??) the stale taste of envy comes up in the back of his throat.

Either that or I am in full ramble mode!!