Thursday, February 11, 2010

A message from Princess Erin of Shitkanistan

I am moved to found a new country. I shall name it Shitkanistan.

In my new country of Shitkanistan, everyone will drink sauerkraut juice and wear comfortable shoes. Gooseliver and onion sandwiches will be popular. Women will wear men's socks and large competent brassieres.

Shitkanistanians shall be tolerant people. If the hockey people want to come over and throw octopuses around, they shall be welcome to do so. If Sarah Palin travels to our shores, the National Choir of Shitkanistan shall sing a stirring rendition of the Shitkanistan National Anthem upon her arrival. Then we shall offer her heaping platters of jellied pigs' feet and pickled eggs.

I shall name the capitol Rublinka. I shall live in the shining city of Rublinka, in a great palace with one hundred onion-shaped roofs, each swirled in shimmering stripes of gold and scarlet and azure blue.

Shitkanistanians shall enjoy certain entitlements, wondrous parks through which our swaddled tots may run and play, public steam rooms and mud baths, and free hair removal kits and breath lozenges.

Your Loyal Royal Hostess,

Princess Erin of Shitkanistan

* * *

36 comments:

LimesNow said...

Your Royal Highness, please accept this as my formal application for the position of lady-in-waiting. I long to wear men's socks and to wrap my small self into a large competent brassiere. I'll savor the gooseliver and onion sammies and I long to sing to Sarah. The free hair removal kits and breath lozenges will render me presentable. Please, Princess Erin, choose me, choose me!

WV = minab. Will this heartfelt letter help minab a position in your royal court?

PinkPanthress said...

If the official 'Religion' in Shitkanistan is Agnosticism I would like to know how I can become a Citizen.

Tony Rugare said...

Watch out for the Taliban!

Matt Conlon said...

Will the men be allowed to wear men's socks?

dean said...

I should like to be made a Knight of the Order of the Sensible Brassiere.

Kirk Jusko said...

So we're not talking a democracy here?

standing on my head said...

i'd like to apply for the position of fool in your royal court. every court needs one, and i have much experience, having been the fool more times than i can count. and i have the outfit!

The Shitty Astrologer said...

Well, as long you Shitkanistanians don't go line dancing with Talibans or become general global nuisances, them carry on...carry on...

Once Known as The Badger said...

Will there be a bicycle road racing team???

WV - curaunca, for which there is no known cure

Erin O'Brien said...

To my dear loyal Shitkanistanians,

My poor weary heart is lifted by your unfailing devotion. Let it be known that here in our beloved Shitkanistan, there is room for all who seek love, acceptance, and most importantly, a place called home.

Your every wish shall be granted. Your every need met.

Thank you for your support,

Princess Erin

g. said...

I covet a Greetings from Shitkanistan postcard.

That is all.

e said...

Sign me up...

Hiding Myself From Me said...

I love it !

Velociman said...

Erin,

Bravo! you have inspired me to create a parallel land of Brasspolistan. Populated by strippers, naturally. Dumb strippers. I forgot to add that. Otherwise they will smoke out my misogynistic worldview, and we couldn't have that, could we?

A simple question for you, dearest, by the by: why are leftists so enfrothed by Sarah Palin? She's a private citizen! As far as I know she has no plans to run for any office, including Wasilla dogcatcher.

At least we Neanderthals rage against people who are actually in a position to do something we disagree with. Palin is merely a speaker. And yet you remain enraged!

Of course, I know the answer: it's not disagreement. It's fear.

Matt Conlon said...

National food: Shitake Mushrooms
National dog: Shitzu

Gillian said...

Bows to the Shit Queen

Miz Dinah said...

Comfy shoes?? Well, colour me Shitkanistanian! I am seeking refugee status.

dean said...

V:

Why do y'all feel the need to inject political venom into Shitkanistan?

Anyway.

Of course, I know the answer: it's not disagreement. It's fear.

Damn straight it's fear. I can't think of a worse thing happening than that tinplated rattling suit getting elected.

Anonymous said...

Would citizens be entitled to smoke good shit?

RJ

Erin O'Brien said...

Baby, the shit we grow in Shitkanistan is going to be some fine shit, grown by the gummint, promoted by the gummint, and sold by the gummint.

In fact, me loyal Subjects, I'm feeling so puffed up with the regular love y'all are throwin' my way that I'm going to throw back some regular gummint love meself and give each and every one of you a kitten!

(Kimmie, don't eat yours.)

Al Penwasser said...

Is a "competent" brassiere one that holds boobs in? Or one that lets them flop out on a moment's notice (OK, that would be "competent" in only a man's world)?
All hail, your royal highness! :-)

Colleen said...

You have quite an imagination, Erin! All of this inspired by a can of kraut juice? Love it.

jford said...

If only you provided universal health care I would immediately petition for citizenship.

Anonymous said...

jford: you would not need health care. You will be drinking sauerkraut juice and eating gooseliver and onion (on fresh rye, im sure). You will be healthy as a horse.

erin: this sounds suspiciously like a polished up, tolerant Parma. ha!

jo

Erin O'Brien said...

jo--Oh how I wish all my readers knew Parma like you and I know Parma. Then they could me laughing like me right now!

LimesNow said...

I don't know Parma, but I've been giving this some thought. I picture a lady-in-waiting sitting on a velvet stool (even in Shitkanistan) doing fancy needlework, melmac tray of sammies at her fingertips. I'm turning my attention to designing our national flag.

jford said...

Parma? Chicken parma is okay, but I prefer veal parma ... Maybe that is why I am so unhealthy ...

philbilly said...

I spent my fumbleative years in Parma, studying competent bra strap removal and wearing white socks. Now that I've seen more of die welt, I can now appreciate Parma's insular prowess at rewarding the immigrants who helped build our republic. The narrow racial and religious scope of its suburban milieu is at once forgivable and repugnant, as the American experiment evolves. And that is precisely the issue many of us, across a political spectrum, have with the abdicated Queen of Wasillastan, she ain't that bright. We've had LBJ and Bush 43, don't need more lowbrow
perspective. Running this here Dumbocracy is complex, and we the people have abdicated savvy for convenience, education for platitudes and now mistake hubris for moxie. Obama's problem, and I saw this going in, is he's trying to run the show with Dumbocrats and groovy asshats like Emanuel.
You need look no further than that phony sleazebag Edwards and his sychophants to realize the utter slime that has crept into the system.

Ike, where are you?

Kirk Jusko said...

Obama's problem is he doesn't recognise a plutocracy when he sees one.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps philbilly could be Count of Cultural Contemplation.

RJ

philbilly said...

Pluto is my favorite Disney character after all.

LimesNow said...

Looks like we may have reason to be concerned about jford's kitten. Don't eat your kitten, prepared parma or any other way!

dean said...

I think the national anthem of Shitkanistan should be 'Sweet Virginia'.

' got to scrape the shit right off your shoooooeeess....' (twangitty twangitty twang)

Anonymous said...

Actually I think the Shitkanistan Academy of Science should adopt Pluto and other bodies in the Kuiper Belt as the officila solar system.

RJ

Heidi said...

Sounds like you Shitkanistanians are smokin too much shit :-)... but I need to know one thing, please, anyone... what in the hell do you do with Kraut juice??? Yak!! Jesus, and I'm German!!

Bill said...

who's going to pay for the freen hair removal kits? will we have to raise the taxes on the kraut juice? also, how do we handle the law suits triggered by the lack of variety of sandwiches? better start working on the shitkanistan constitution. oh. will be able to keep guns to fend off the shitkanistan haters?